[X&Y Emily] "What Kind Of Guy Calls HIMSELF 'Emotionally Unavailable'?!"
Published: Sat, 07/27/24
Updated: Tue, 07/30/24
EMILY McKAY'S KEYS TO BLISS NEWSLETTER
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IN THIS EDITION: Is it really true that some guys may want to break
up with us but don't know how? Find out how to stop wasting your
time with "Mr. Wrong" and make things TONS easier on yourself.
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"WHAT KIND OF GUY CALLS *HIMSELF* 'EMOTIONALLY
UNAVAILABLE'?!"
Dear Emily,
I am so very sad....devastated actually. I had the WORST birthday
of my life last week. My man of over 6 months broke my heart and
broke up with me ON MY BIRTHDAY of all times!!!! :-(
He took me out to dinner the night BEFORE then asked, "so what are
you doing on your birthday?" HELLOOOO!!!!!
I've been dating him and sleeping with him over 6 months and he has
the audacity to ask me THAT!!!
And incidentally he didn't even give me a CARD or a gift of ANY
sort...and its not for lack of funds since he's loaded.
So I call him on my birthday night and asked him "I'm just curious
why you didn't want to take me out on my actual birthday but the
night before?"
And he says, "Because I have to get up early to go water skiing
tomorrow."
Then I said, "In the summer you went to Europe and brought me back
a gorgeous bottle of Chanel perfume....but on my birthday not even
a card?"
And we just had the discussion on how important birthdays are to
women....and his previous girlfriend broke up with him because he
didn't celebrate her birthday.
And then he said, "I WAS going to get something but I ran out of
time at work." THEN he says "Jennifer, you're such a nice person
and I don't want to hurt you."
Well...its a little too late for THAT don't you think?? This was
the WORST birthday of my life!!
Then he says, "This is a confusing time for me...and I can't give
you what you want and deserve. I'm emotionally unavailable. I've
been confused about this relationship for a while."
OK...has he been reading my email???
What kind of guy in the HISTORY of the world calls HIMSELF
"emotionally unavailable"???
So at that point I started sobbing. I said "it was the worst
birthday of my life and please don't call me any more."
And he said, "I will respect your wishes." And we hung up! That's
IT...over...just like that.
There goes driving with the convertible top down along the ocean
and so many wonderful conversations about life and love...all gone
And here I am--almost 50 and alone once again. :-(
If there's ANY advice you can give to this aching soul please do.
Kindest regards,
Jennifer (Culver City, CA)
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Hello, Jennifer. Thanks so much for writing me and telling me your
story.
First of all, I'm sure you feel devastated.
But I want to reassure you that you'll probably look back on this
in the very near future and see it as a blessing in disguise.
Why is that?
Well, if you take a very pragmatic look at the messages your guy
friend was sending you, you'll be able to find some "guy speak" in
there that makes it very, very clear that you're better off with a
guy who will appreciate you and be more excited about being with you.
I understand that when you have such an emotional "bomb" dropped on
you like this, all you can think about is the pain you feel and the
potential loss of not being able to share the good times any more.
But based on what he was telling you, he most likely wasn't really
'feeling it' for you as much as you would have liked.
However, knowing how much you liked him and how (guessing from your
letter to me) you are a deeply emotional person, he didn't know how
to break things off without devastating you.
Inherently, most guys really do want to avoid making us cry. In
fact, they really can't bear to see it.
Show me a guy who really thrives on causing a woman's tears, and
I'll show you a man who is pretty much at the very top of the
"Avoid Me" list!
So what does a normal, red-blooded guy do when faced with the
prospect of breaking up with someone who he isn't as interested in
anymore as he once was?
Well, very often he AVOIDS THE ISSUE.
Some guys do this by simply never calling again.
In fact, Scot showed me an article online by a guy who actually
RECOMMENDED that measure to other guys as the "easiest way to break
up with a woman".
Scot commented, "Now THAT'S not exactly 'character-based' thinking,
is it?" And I'd have to agree.
But other guys?
Well, for them it's more of a "civil war". Wanting to avoid the
drama, they may see you less often and/or show less active interest
when they ARE with you.
In that case, what such a guy is actually hoping is that YOU get
sick of HIM also and breakup with HIM.
Then, he doesn't have to feel like the BAD GUY.
Many men live with a pre-supposition that all of us as women think
"all men are alike" or that they're "all dogs".
As a result, they spend much of their time with us trying to live
that down.
The reality?
We as women would almost always rather be told the truth...as soon as
it applies. No "beating around the bush".
It's important to understand two things though.
If he knows he'll see you often in social situations or at work
even after a breakup, he'll be more likely to AVOID doing anything
that would create drama.
And yes...if he is having sex with you that MAY cause him to stick
around longer than he knows he should have.
This is especially true if you are the only one he is being
intimate with at the time. Going without can sound worse to him
than staying with a woman he doesn't really have feelings for.
But this is SETTLING at its worst...and YOU DON'T want to be "settled
for", right?
I mentioned there's some clear "guy speak" in his messages. If we
go over those, my guess is it really will clarify what I'm
explaining to you.
The first, as you duly noted, is that he pronounced HIMSELF
"emotionally unavailable".
Well, you're absolutely right. Guys won't refer to themselves in
such a way if they're out to impress you. That's for sure.
He has probably read his share of Cosmo magazine covers over the
years, and was communicating to you a HINT of disinterest in terms
he thought YOU could relate to.
In a sense, he was basically saying: "Everything I've read says
that being 'emotionally unavailable' is a complete turnoff to
women. So since I've readily admitted I'm exactly that, don't you
now desire me less?"
Another thing he told you was that he was "confused".
That's sideways-speak for, "Okay, I'm not at all convinced you are
the woman for me. But I don't know how to break this off without
hurting you."
One thing we all share as humans--man or woman--is that when we
aren't sure whether we like someone anymore or not, the answer is
almost always NOT.
This is especially true if that sentiment resonates over time as
opposed to simply for a few hours or so in the "heat of the moment"
after an argument, etc.
Another thing your guy did was to take a cavalier attitude toward
your birthday, already knowing that it was important to you.
By asking what you were doing for your birthday, he was openly
encouraging you to spend it with SOMEONE ELSE...almost as an
invitation to lower his level of significance in your life.
Certainly this isn't what a guy who is really excited about you
would want.
Finally, with what is likely the most poignant indicator of his
waning interest, as SOON as you gave him ANY SIGN that you were
ready for the relationship to be over...he EAGERLY TOOK IT.
I think that's pretty much the clincher.
When you said, "please don't call me anymore", he shot through that
"open door" like a hot knife through butter...right?
Jennifer, we could spend time wondering if he was seeing someone
else besides you, whether or not he really was going water skiing
the next day, etc.
But that would all be beside the point.
What I'd love to see you do is put this man in the rear view mirror
and find a guy who will genuinely appreciate you.
But before you do that, it's my job to ask you one very difficult
question first: Are you READY to meet the guy you WANT TO DESERVE?
This may sound like a bit of "tough love", but in your message to
me you appeared to focus a lot on your own feelings and on the
gifts he was giving you.
Remember, a great man only becomes GREATER when you are willing to
invest your emotions and feminine energy in HIM, even as he gives
to you.
And of course, deep in your heart you already know that gifts like
Chanel perfume and birthday surprises are just icing on the cake
when you've got a great relationship.
So with all of that said, how DO you make sure not to be alone
for long?
Simple...try online dating!
If you've been skeptical, NOW is the time to put your trepidation
aside and GO FOR IT.
You'll find that there are truly high-quality men online who are
looking for a great woman.
I wish you only the very, very best--and my guess is you'll be happy
again sooner than you think!
Have Fun,
Emily McKay
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