[X&Y Emily] "How Can I Make Him Pick ME Instead Of HER?"
Published: Wed, 11/13/24
Updated: Sat, 11/16/24
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IN THIS EDITION: As women what do we do with a man who is
interested in us and another woman? And how do we get a guy to
pick us over her? Find out in this newsletter.
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QUESTION FROM A READER
Dear Emily,
Thank you so much for your newsletters! I have a question... I am
dating this guy who is dating me and another girl, how do I know if
he is really interested in me?
How can I make him more interested in me than the other girl?
He is such an amazing catch but is it silly for me to wait around
for him to decide what he wants? HELP!
Thanks,
Dana
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Dear Dana,
I am happy that you wrote me. Your question on how to get your guy
to pick you is one that many women are facing.
When you first meet a guy, he may be seeing other women at the time.
After the two of you get to know each other, at some point he will
have to decide to continue dating multiple women or become
exclusive with you.
That's a given.
If you are looking for a life partner rather than just a series of
casual flings, then you are very wise not to be willing to "wait
around" should he prove not to have similar goals as you.
It's a great idea to spend the first few dates evaluating a
man's long-term potential (as he no doubt is evaluating yours also).
But once you feel you have found a man with whom you'd like to pursue
something more long-term, you need to communicate your expectations
of an exclusive relationship to him effectively.
It's completely fair to tell him that you won't wait around forever.
That said, I stop short at recommending that you deliver an ultimatum,
though.
Why?
Although many women would be tempted to say to a man they've been
seeing for a few weeks or months, "Make me your girlfriend or else!",
I believe that such ultimatums only serve to place you in a position
of weakness. It really makes a woman look desperate.
Your idea of giving him every reason--and opportunity--to choose you
on his own is a much better idea than using leverage tactics.
As far as *how* to make him choose you, that will depend on how well
matched you are and how well you demonstrate to him that you are a
rare, high quality woman that he would be foolish to let slip by
him.
Most men have no problems committing to a women whom they believe
is a great catch. As long as you have worked on making yourself that
woman, then you should never settle for a man who does not appreciate
that rare opportunity to be with someone like you.
Handle yourself with feminine grace, and show class at all times.
Show yourself to be a trustworthy woman who will not be forever
"testing" him by flirting with other guys--especially right there in
front of him. This is a major cause of boyfriends being unsure of
committing to a woman...and rightly so.
Strangely though, men will almost never cite this fact as the reason
why for fear of either appearing weak and/or starting an unnecessary
argument.
Instead, they'll tend to simply keep the status quo...especially if
the sex is good and the pressure is otherwise low.
Also, realize that a man wants a woman who approves of him and is
his greatest cheerleader when it comes to rooting for him to
fulfill his life's purpose.
Women who can put aside the temptation to try to change a man (and
Heaven forbid nag him to death about it) are exactly the ones who
tend to attract a great man who is worthy of our respect.
And the beauty of that is you don't *have* to change a guy like that.
You can be proud to have him in your life.
Finally, here's the BIGGEST "decision maker" of all for most guys:
Be a woman who comes off as a "giver" instead of a "taker". Far
too many people--men and women alike--are so focused on getting
what they want that they forget to deserve what they want.
I'm not suggesting you be anyone's doormat. Rather, be a woman
who demonstrates a commitment to bringing something to a potential
relationship rather than simply talking about what you want and
expect from him.
When he sees all the benefits of being with you and you alone, how
can he possibly NOT want that?
Represent to him what he wants in a woman, and you'll be thrilled
when all he wants to do is be the man of your dreams in return.
Being the kind of woman who a truly terrific man chooses over all
others changes your life. Instead of dating a string of "commitment
phobic" men, you suddenly have men wanting to marry you rather soon
after you meet them...maybe even after the first or second date!
Although I hope you aren't the type who would make a hasty decision
and run off to Vegas with a guy that quickly, these are indeed what
we call "high quality problems" here at X & Y Communications.
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