[X&Y Emily] How Can I Say 'No'?"

Published: Sat, 04/19/25

Updated: Tue, 04/22/25

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WHAT'S INSIDE: Do you have a hard time saying "no" to people? If

so, it may not seem like a big deal, but it can be...especially in the context
of relationships.

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"HOW CAN I SAY 'NO'?"

After reading so many emails from wonderful women everywhere, I
can't help noticing that many of us have a common sticking point.

In fact, if I think about all the women I know it's really it's a
problem MOST of us women have. I have to admit that I've even
struggled with it.

That is we have trouble saying "no". And the craziest thing about
this problem is that the vast majority of us don't even consider it
a problem at all.

We just think we're being nice...that we're being accommodating. But
make no mistake, when we say "yes" to everyone and everything we
often find our lives AND those of others are worse off as a direct
result.

Why do we torment ourselves over being okay with saying "no"? Or
worse yet, why can't we stop saying "yes" even when we know it's
not the right thing to do?

We as woman are raised to want to please people. We've learned
how to nurture, care and help people in need. And making loved
ones happy brings us joy.

Let's face it...we all want to be looked upon in a favorable light.
No wonder we all worry about being a disappointment...you know,
letting someone down. Doing so makes us just feel completely awful!

This is precisely why when someone asks us for help, we struggle
with saying "no" or "I can't". This is especially hard for us if
the person is unwilling to take no for an answer, right?

So we give in and say "yes", knowing full well that helping out
will have a negative impact on our time and/or our lives in
general...all the while possibly facilitating something that isn't
even the best for the other person.

This is a scary thought because as women it can get us into all
kinds of dating problems.

None of us wants to hurt a man's pride or feelings. This could
cause us to go on that next date with a man we don't exactly have
romantic feelings for. After all, saying "no" might disappoint him.

Before we know it we are in a relationship with the guy. And guess
what, the break up will most certainly hurt more than that initial
"no" would have.

In the end, dating him is not doing him any favors and it's a waste
of your precious time.

What about being pressured into having sex before we are ready, or
being pressured into doing sexual acts we don't want to do or are
uncomfortable with?

Giving in isn't going to make him like us any more. Rather it will
most likely cause him to lose respect for us.

But if we say "no", it's possible he may lose interest or maybe not
like us anymore. On the surface it seems like a no win situation.

But truly, if we are using sex as a means of keeping a guy happy
then it's at best a desperate act on our part, and possibly even a
manipulative one. Neither desperation nor manipulation tends to
work out in the long run, right? We end up feeling used and
unloved.

Having difficulty saying "no" can leave us vulnerable to
manipulative men who can and will hurt us in other ways, also...
physically, mentally and/or emotionally.

How so?

Well, what if a man really knows how to make us feel guilt down in
the pit of our stomach? I mean, it just hurts to feel this way...so
we give in to his requests.

The request itself could have been absolutely unreasonable but a

manipulative man will prey on our guilt and make it sound like perfect

sense.

Well, at least sort of, kind of...but not really.

In the back of our heads, we already know the request is anywhere
from slightly unfair to completely preposterous.

Yet the emotional battle is a massive one at times.

So how do we say "no" in a way that makes it all feel right?

Start by asking yourself, "Is this request going to benefit or harm
him, me, both of us, or anyone else?"

Remember, at times a request can be genuinely harmful to the one
making it. And ironically, such requests are often powered by an
extra degree of manipulation. For example, he may need money to
pay off a gambling debt or buy drugs...so he asks you for money.

We can find ourselves saying "yes" even to our children when "no"
would have been the better answer. After all, we don't like to see
them cry when they're little and we don't want to deprive them of
anything even as they grow older.

Believe me, my three-year-old and my nineteen-year-old have very

different ways of asking me to do things for them that aren't
beneficial to their well being. But giving in to either one of
them would not be good.

Saying "No" can also be a loving and nurturing thing to do. After
all, the little one needs to go to bed even when he doesn't want to,
and the older one needs to come home a lot earlier than he wants to!

Now at times a request is only of benefit to the one making it.
That's not necessarily a dealbreaker, but consider if you would
feel comfortable asking someone else the same thing...or would that
be unthinkable?

Finally, you want to be sure to ask yourself, "Do I have time to do
what is requested without deprioritizing something that's more
important?"

For example, does the request interrupt your day, potentially
causing you to miss important deadlines or be late for work? If
that's indeed the case, then fight the urge to give in.

If a request made of you is ultimately of benefit to everyone, or
is of benefit to the requester and his or her heart is in the right
place; and you have the time to fulfill it, then saying "yes" is
reasonable. Go ahead and help out.

But if the request falls short in any way, shape or form give
yourself permission to say "no" and relieve yourself of any guilt
you may have over it.

Here is some homework which might standing up for yourself in
particularly tricky situations a little easier.

Instead of "no", try "I can't." Or say, "I'm just not in a
position to help."

In dating situations where you are not interested in the guy,
resist the urge to beat around the bush and give straight, honest
answers. I discovered that doing so brought much better results
over the long term than leading a guy on, for sure..

Try saying, "You're a good guy but for some reason I'm not feeling
it. I wish you the best in your search for the right woman."

Most of all, practice saying "no" every single time you should in
your everyday life. That way, when the more difficult scenarios
come your way it will be easier to say "I can't".

Have Fun,

Emily McKay

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