[X&Y Emily] 10 Things People With Great Social Skills Never Do

Published: Tue, 06/24/25

Updated: Fri, 06/27/25


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SOMETHING WONDERFUL TODAY FROM SCOT


Well, Scot just wrote out ten different ways that people who don't
have social skill tend to destroy conversations.  Not good!

I thought what he said was so on target that I'm reprinting his
"Top Ten List" for you here.

Now, bear in mind he was writing to the guys, but absolutely
everything he says goes for us ladies also.  Especially that part
about "gossiping like a vieja". (Geez...)

The best part is that since a GUY wrote this, you not only get an
idea of what NOT to do in conversations in general, you get a
golden chance to see what guys really look for in social settings.

By the way, Scot broke this down into two parts, but I figured
since I don't write you quite as often I'd just save you
the trouble of having to wait for the second part.   I've combined
them for you.

Here we go! 
 

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10 THINGS THAT PEOPLE WITH GREAT SOCIAL SKILLS
AVOID DOING  --by Scot McKay



1)  Interrupting Early And Often


Sounds basic, doesn't it?  But if so, why then do SO MANY of us
still interrupt others so often?

Well, the simple answer is that we are so busy trying to be heard
that we forget to listen.  So instead of giving a care about what
that other human being in front of us finds important, we spend
that valuable time hard at work trying to form our next verbalized
thought.

Bad move.

When this is going on, not only do we come off as rude, we
completely disengage ourselves from the conversation.  And who
wants to talk to a WALL?

Simply intentionalizing a new habit of fully absorbing what someone
else is saying before responding is tremendous gift to oneself.
That's an essential building block to becoming a hyper-effective
listener.  

And make no mistake; effective listeners go very far in life.
We're talking corner-office dwellers with high quality women
waiting at home.



2)  Stringing Multiple Thoughts Together Without Pausing


Okay.  Let's be honest.

If interrupting is a favorite speech pattern of the socially
unskilled, so is the "flip side":  talking non-stop such that
nobody else can get a word in edgewise.

If you are a passionate, enthusiastic person who genuinely adores
life, then it's super easy to lapse into this mode.  

And normally passion and enthusiasm are really good things.  

But if you consistently notice that those with whom you are
conversing are trying crowbar a comment here and there, and all you
can think is "How RUDE it is that this person keeps TRYING to
interrupt me", then you COULD BE the reason why others feel they've
GOT TO interrupt.

Here's a quick head-check.  A great tip for BALANCING conversation
is to speak exactly as we're all taught to WRITE...in PARAGRAPHS.

A PARAGRAPH, of course, is a block of text conveying a SINGLE
THOUGHT (except in e-mail newsletters, where it works better to
insert more frequent breaks for easy reading, natch.)

So how about it?  Do you converse with others a SINGLE THOUGHT at a
time, thereby allowing your friend to chime in with a response?

Or, do you repeat phrases like  "...which reminds me", "...and not only
that", or "...and here's what else" a lot?

If you bounce from point to point without pausing for interaction
from the other person, you're flat-out not leaving room for that
person to offer his or her own thoughts.  

And that's a solid recipe for NEVER having the opportunity to
converse with that other person again.



3)  Assuming Experts Are Clueless


You may have been able to guess that I'd mention any or all of the
first three "socially unskilled speech patterns" shared so far.  So
let's make the final two I share for now a bit on the more SUBTLE
side.

The first such example occurs when we find ourselves contending
with someone who is particularly well informed on a certain subject.

For example, if you find yourself in the front row at a comedy
club, trust me when I say you'll DO VERY WELL just to nod and laugh
when a particular stand-up comedian singles you out during his set
to poke a bit of fun at.

If you choose to go toe-to-toe with him when he starts with the
wisecracks--or heckle him, heaven forbid--you'd better be ON POINT.
By that I mean you'd better be as QUICK and HILARIOUS as a
professional...which the vast majority of us ARE NOT.  

Otherwise, you're going to look REALLY BAD...REALLY FAST.

Similarly, I'm reminded of a story told to me by a female friend of
mine who is a flight attendant.  

While on a first date, the guy she was with started the evening by
asking lots of questions, including about her cool job.   A little
"interviewish" an approach, granted.  But certainly not a deal
breaker in and of itself.

However, when my friend spoke about how she prefers international
assignments and particularly enjoys flying the 777 aircraft in her
company's fleet, the guy told her she must have been thinking of
some other plane because her company doesn't have triple sevens.

"Hello...", she told him, "I WORK there and do this flying stuff A
LOT.  I think I know the kind of plane I'm on 12 days a month."

Indeed, United Airlines has a dogpile of 777s.  

And there was no second date for "Mr. Dumas".

I doubt most of us commit such blatant infractions.  But where this
factor can REALLY jump up and bite you is when you don't have a lot
of background on who you're making conversation with.  

For example, imagine you find yourself in a conversation with a
random woman who starts talking about fast cars.  Off the top of
your head you say, "Oh yeah, what do women know about that stuff?"

When you realize you're talking to Danica Patrick, you might feel
slightly silly.  

It's dangerous to assume.  Don't be that guy.



4)  Treating New Info As If It's Old And/Or Unimportant News


This one may have been completely overlooked had it not come up in
natural conversation just a few days ago.

The dynamic goes something like this.  

Someone shares a tidbit of info with another person that is late
breaking and exciting to the speaker.  

And whether it is or not to the listener, he or she plays it off as
if it's common knowledge that the rest of the world has known about
for weeks.

For example, if someone shares with me that they've just checked
out a new Thai restaurant that opened across town, I SHOULD say,
"Whoa...I love Thai food.  I've got to check that out.  What's it
called again?  And are they on the Web?"  

All of this is not expressed in a needy, approval-seeking way, mind
you, but rather in a calculated tone that demonstrates what I'm
being told is acknowledged as important.

But what I MIGHT say instead is, "Yep. That one's okay but there
are all sorts of other great Thai restaurants in town."

The former approach makes the one who is sharing the news feel
validated.  The latter makes him or her resent your perceived
arrogance.  Whoops.



5)  Hating All Sorts Of Stuff


There has been a lot of talk lately by many about "eliminating
negative people" from their lives.

Well, there's been a whole lot of ACTION, also.  With more of a
spotlight on the issue than ever, human "radar" is tuned in to
detect "haters" more than ever.

If you freely express your disdain for job, coworkers,
acquaintances, minor inconveniences, TV shows, restaurants
and..well...EVERYTHING ELSE; don't be surprised when people stop
wanting to hang out with you.

For the record, anything that falls under the heading "complaining"
is exactly what we're talking about here.  

Now granted, you can't be expected to blow sunshine up people's
skirts all the time.  But instead of 24/7, aim (again) for 85/15.

And by the way, if you are of the opinion that being positive,
spreading optimism and encouraging others is dorky and lame, I have
a challenge for you.  

Make your next ten Facebook updates and/or Twitter posts expressly
positive:  words of encouragement, optimistic quotes, etc.  

Then watch the MASSIVE difference in how people respond to you.

Let that be your "field test" of the premise we're discussing here.
 

I promise that a similar dynamic will occur when you interact more
positively with people offline, too.



6)  Gossiping Like A "Vieja"


In case you don't habla Espanol, "vieja" literally means "old
lady".  And in Mexicano culture, which I've been immersed in for
nearly 20 years now, when "vieja" is uttered as a slang term it
basically refers to a woman who spreads rumors about others--usually
in conversation with friends.

Rest assured those "friends" will not remain "friends" for long if
they're the ones gossiped about.  

It's a matter of pure opinion, but I personally believe gossiping
is PARTICULARLY UNATTRACTIVE when performed by a man.  Perhaps
because the practice is so often associated with women, either
fairly or unfairly.

One thing's for sure though.  The more you spread other people's
business--especially when unsubstantiated as fact--the less of other
people's business you'll find yourself privy to.   People simply
won't trust you.  And sooner than later, they will choose not even
to TALK to you.



7)  Badmouthing Others / Talking Behind Someone's Back


We mentioned spreading unsubstantiated rumors above.  This is
similar, but with a distinct twist.

This is essentially all about sharing info with someone about
someone else that you really hope doesn't get back to them.

For example, you may tell a friend that you really can't stand a
common acquaintance...although when you are in that other person's
presence you smile and keep your opinion to yourself.

Or, you may share potentially damaging or disparaging info with a
friend about someone else.

Whether the subject of your wrath is a "friend" or not is
irrelevant in this case.  

The truth is that time and again studies prove that when someone
actively badmouths someone else, the listener is more likely to
assign the negative characteristics in question to the SPEAKER
rather than to the SUBJECT of the conversation.

Amazing but true, isn't it?

Welcome to why we all tend to walk away from a salesman at X-Motors
car dealership when he starts telling us how terrible a Y-Motors
pickup truck is.  

And we become more likely to ultimately drive off in a Y-Motors truck.

What goes for business goes for social settings also.  And a lot of
us "un sell ourselves", as a friend of mine who is a sales
consultant often says.

The real world test?  If you find yourself saying, "Don't tell him
I told you this but..." it's time to check yourself.



8)  One-upmanship


I am a huge fan of Dilbert comics.  Having come from a Bell-shaped
IT world, I plead the fifth on that.

Nonetheless, there's a recurring character in Dilbert named
"Topper" who habitually exerts "one-upmanship" on his colleagues.  

That is, no matter what positive thing someone else has achieved,
he can do (or has done) better.

In the comic version, Topper's self-proclaimed amazing feats are
greatly exaggerated for effect.  

And the reason it's so flippin' hilarious is because we ALL know
someone like that.  We've all been subject to it--and we've all been
annoyed to no end by it.

It appears to be a sign of quintessential arrogance on the surface.
But at its core it's really just needy, approval-seeking weakness.

As you can guess, one-upmanship is a KILLER for sure.  Beginning
conversation with the phrase, "That's nothing, I..." is the telltale
sign that it's going on.



9)  Giving Unsolicited Advice


Now let's turn our attention to the practice of giving advice when
it hasn't been asked for.  This is really a tough one.  

Why?

Because 99.9% of the time people who can't help but give others
unsolicited advice really MEAN WELL.  They're good people and they
just want to help someone else avoid trouble.

Even more troublesome, then, is how confused they feel when nobody
wants to hang out with them...when they're genuinely trying to be
NICE.

The problem, however, is that most of us feel stupid when subjected
to someone else's "eminent wisdom".  We may also perceive the
advice-giver's liberty at bestowing it upon us as a bit arrogant.

So we don't generally like people who give out advice we didn't ask
for.   We find their input pushy or even borderline manipulative.

Often, we even go so far as to think of such people as
under-qualified to even GIVE such advice, don't we?

But man...when you really care about someone and know he or she is
headed for a MAJOR mistake, it's all but impossible to bite our
tongue, isn't it?  We may feel at times that it's a flat-out MORAL
IMPERATIVE to step in.

So we might say, "You know, if I were you I would..."

And such is often responded to with a line like, "Hey look, if I
wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it!"

From a social perspective, it's surprisingly often the best idea
just to let people make their mistakes

When and if the chips are REALLY down, try asking permission to
share some insight:  "Would you mind if I offered you a
suggestion?"  

Often you'll get a more favorable response when you've taken the
time to respect someone's judgment ahead of time like that.

And interestingly, the more respect you GIVE, the more others tend
to respect YOUR advice--perhaps even asking for it before you attempt
to offer it.  Life is funny like that.



10)  Pre-Assuming Social Awkwardness


I believe I've saved the most fascinating one for last.

Based on the title of this section, you may be asking yourself who
in their right mind would ASSUME a social situation would turn out
awkward ahead of time?

I mean, why even attempt to be social if your intent is to make
things awkward?

Well, what if I told you people do this ALL THE TIME?

Actually, the dynamic can play out in any number of very specific
ways.  Let me offer a few examples and you'll quickly see EXACTLY
what I mean.

First, someone may say, "With all due respect..."  at the beginning
of a sentence.  Invariably, something disrespectful is about to
come out of that person's mouth when that happens.  

He or she KNOWS it's potentially disrespectful, but is going to say
it anyway.  

Or, the phrase "Don't take this the wrong way..." may be used.
Clearly, the speaker expects what is about to be said to be
potentially offensive.

Perhaps someone may lead with, "I hope this doesn't come out the
wrong, but..."  In that case, someone is literally PLANNING to be
misunderstood.

Lack of respect, offensive statements and wanton misunderstanding
were NOT signs of solid social skills last time I checked.



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OK, gals...I realize that was A LOT to cover.  But definitely worth
the read, dontcha think?

I'll talk to you again soon.


Have Fun,

Emily McKay




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