[X&Y Emily] A Man Who's "Separated"
Published: Sat, 05/17/25
Updated: Tue, 05/20/25
=====
IN THIS EDITION: I sure do get a lot of e-mails from women who
are dating men who are...well...not *quite* divorced yet. Learn how to
"read between the lines" and make high-quality decisions in your
life. It's all about saving YOU from disappointment and heartbreak.
=====
ESCAPE THE "JUST BE ROOMMATES ZONE"
All of us have dreamed of living a charmed life with the
man of our dreams since we were little girls.
But when we're adults, we quickly find out how
complicated relationships can be...causing such deep
pain and heartbreak.
So why does it seem so HARD to have the relationship
you want?
It doesn't matter whether you are married, have a
boyfriend or are still single and looking...
...your heart yearns to get this RIGHT, and preferably
the first time.
Well, after over 12 years of living the dream together,
Scot and I spent two years compiling every bit of what
it takes to have the kind of relationship that lasts
forever and is the envy of every other couple you know.
Sure, there are good times as well as rough patches,
but we face life together...as best friends.
You may have experienced heartbreak and loneliness
in the past, but it's time to BREAK FREE of that
pattern and have the relationship you were MEANT
to have.
All the secrets are revealed for you in My One &
Only. Scot and I have held NOTHING back:
My One & Only
=====
SEPARATION ANXIETY
Hi Emily,
I met a man whose wife left him and is in the process of being
divorced. We had 6 great dates. We were very attracted to each
other and we had physical relations on some of the dates.
Then one day I freaked out a little cause he hadn't even filed for
divorce yet (he has now).
And I told him I couldn't do this any more. So we talked and he
said he just wanted a friend and nothing serious. He's not ready yet.
We still keep in touch thru emails and IM and I let him initiate
most of the time.
My question is did I scare him away?
I still like him very much but I don't want a pen pal I want to get
to know him.
So do I contact him and talk to him about how I feel?
Beverly (Scottsdale, AZ)
=====
Thanks for writing to me, Beverly.
I suppose I should have become used to getting e-mails similar to
yours by now. But in my heart I feel I really never, ever will.
Why soooo many women allow themselves to get involved with men
who are inherently unavailable to them is beyond me.
Here's the way it is. And know ahead of time that this isn't going
to be the easiest thing in the world for you to hear. But I'm
simply the messenger--the truth here really is rather clear.
When a man is "separated" or by any other description NOT divorced
yet, he is A MARRIED MAN.
What's more, many times you really can drop the "yet" part from
that last statement.
When there is no official divorce record, you are fully dependent
upon someone's word that he or she really has broken up with his or
her partner.
Notice that I wasn't gender-specific there. Truly both men and
women can experience what you're seeing in this situation.
But if you are dating a man who claims that his marriage is
through, but has nothing to prove that with, then the reality is
that just about anything could be going on. And almost anything
could happen as a result.
Even if you know for a fact that his wife has picked up and moved
to another city to be with some other guy she left him for,
reconciliation is always a possibility--made easy by the lack of any
formal severance to the relationship.
As you've found out, the man you are with was willing to sleep with
you, but never quite got around to getting his divorce filed.
This is a major red flag as I see it.
If his wife "left him", but no divorce has been filed for, it's
likely that one or both spouses is indeed reserving some hope of
reconciliation.
The possibility of legal tangles, etc. exists...but I wouldn't rely on
that explanation.
Besides, the fact that he wasn't forthright in telling you EXACTLY
what his status was portends that he has had good reason to hide it
from you all along.
Dating a man who is recently divorced brings about enough
challenges with regard to being "ready" for another serious
relationship so soon.
And dating a man who isn't *even* divorced is the very definition of
"complicated".
For all you know, based on the information you've shared, this guy
could be going home and sleeping in the same bed with his wife.
What's really going on is subject to hearsay, and he has already
demonstrated that he's willing to withhold info from you.
Further, when you challenged him on all of this, what happened? He
gave you the "Just Be Friends" talk.
This is further indication that he was interested in a hot fling,
perhaps because he felt he could get away with it and it was "now or
never" given that his separation from his wife is even factual.
Unfortunately Beverly, I'm not sure "how you feel" is going to
change anything.
I am, however, pretty sure you didn't exactly "scare him away".
His status is what it is, and what he wants out of life right now is
also plain to see. If you are looking for something stable for the
long-term that neither what he is looking for nor READY for.
Why allow yourself to become even more emotionally drawn in by a
man who has no ability to commit to you right now anyway? From the
looks of things, he has now gone so far as to clearly state that he's
not interested in that sort of thing anyway...were it even logistically
possible.
That all adds up to danger ahead if you choose to remain involved.
We as women MUST learn that when men tell us they don't want a
commitment or anything serious, they mean it.
There are over eight billion people on Earth, and lots of them are men.
Must you really select a man who is not only emotionally unavailable
but LITERALLY unavailable?
Avoid the drama and the heartbreak and position yourself to meet
men who are ready to meet you...and who know what it means to build a
great relationship on communication and mutual trust ALONG WITH the
fireworks!
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2025. All Rights Reserved.
1-on-1 Coaching With Scot And Emily
How Emily Met The Man Of Her Dreams, And YOU Can Too
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please use the
link below to quickly and securely remove yourself from our
mailing list.
I met a man whose wife left him and is in the process of being
divorced. We had 6 great dates. We were very attracted to each
other and we had physical relations on some of the dates.
Then one day I freaked out a little cause he hadn't even filed for
divorce yet (he has now).
And I told him I couldn't do this any more. So we talked and he
said he just wanted a friend and nothing serious. He's not ready yet.
We still keep in touch thru emails and IM and I let him initiate
most of the time.
My question is did I scare him away?
I still like him very much but I don't want a pen pal I want to get
to know him.
So do I contact him and talk to him about how I feel?
Beverly (Scottsdale, AZ)
=====
Thanks for writing to me, Beverly.
I suppose I should have become used to getting e-mails similar to
yours by now. But in my heart I feel I really never, ever will.
Why soooo many women allow themselves to get involved with men
who are inherently unavailable to them is beyond me.
Here's the way it is. And know ahead of time that this isn't going
to be the easiest thing in the world for you to hear. But I'm
simply the messenger--the truth here really is rather clear.
When a man is "separated" or by any other description NOT divorced
yet, he is A MARRIED MAN.
What's more, many times you really can drop the "yet" part from
that last statement.
When there is no official divorce record, you are fully dependent
upon someone's word that he or she really has broken up with his or
her partner.
Notice that I wasn't gender-specific there. Truly both men and
women can experience what you're seeing in this situation.
But if you are dating a man who claims that his marriage is
through, but has nothing to prove that with, then the reality is
that just about anything could be going on. And almost anything
could happen as a result.
Even if you know for a fact that his wife has picked up and moved
to another city to be with some other guy she left him for,
reconciliation is always a possibility--made easy by the lack of any
formal severance to the relationship.
As you've found out, the man you are with was willing to sleep with
you, but never quite got around to getting his divorce filed.
This is a major red flag as I see it.
If his wife "left him", but no divorce has been filed for, it's
likely that one or both spouses is indeed reserving some hope of
reconciliation.
The possibility of legal tangles, etc. exists...but I wouldn't rely on
that explanation.
Besides, the fact that he wasn't forthright in telling you EXACTLY
what his status was portends that he has had good reason to hide it
from you all along.
Dating a man who is recently divorced brings about enough
challenges with regard to being "ready" for another serious
relationship so soon.
And dating a man who isn't *even* divorced is the very definition of
"complicated".
For all you know, based on the information you've shared, this guy
could be going home and sleeping in the same bed with his wife.
What's really going on is subject to hearsay, and he has already
demonstrated that he's willing to withhold info from you.
Further, when you challenged him on all of this, what happened? He
gave you the "Just Be Friends" talk.
This is further indication that he was interested in a hot fling,
perhaps because he felt he could get away with it and it was "now or
never" given that his separation from his wife is even factual.
Unfortunately Beverly, I'm not sure "how you feel" is going to
change anything.
I am, however, pretty sure you didn't exactly "scare him away".
His status is what it is, and what he wants out of life right now is
also plain to see. If you are looking for something stable for the
long-term that neither what he is looking for nor READY for.
Why allow yourself to become even more emotionally drawn in by a
man who has no ability to commit to you right now anyway? From the
looks of things, he has now gone so far as to clearly state that he's
not interested in that sort of thing anyway...were it even logistically
possible.
That all adds up to danger ahead if you choose to remain involved.
We as women MUST learn that when men tell us they don't want a
commitment or anything serious, they mean it.
There are over eight billion people on Earth, and lots of them are men.
Must you really select a man who is not only emotionally unavailable
but LITERALLY unavailable?
Avoid the drama and the heartbreak and position yourself to meet
men who are ready to meet you...and who know what it means to build a
great relationship on communication and mutual trust ALONG WITH the
fireworks!
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2025. All Rights Reserved.
1-on-1 Coaching With Scot And Emily
How Emily Met The Man Of Her Dreams, And YOU Can Too
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please use the
link below to quickly and securely remove yourself from our
mailing list.
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