EMILY McKAY'S KEYS TO BLISS NEWSLETTER


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IN THIS EDITION:  What if your guy looks at other women?  What's
reasonable and how much is TOO much?  Read on for answers...
   
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WHAT IF MY GUY LOOKS AT OTHER WOMEN?


Emily,

What is your advice about what I should say to my fiance who looks
back at other women, checking them out after they have passed?

He never flirts with other women or makes eye contact with them in
a flirting way, or appears to try to let them know he is looking at
them.

I told him that it hurts me. He said the other women don't mean
anything to him. 

He remembered for a while but then went back to it after a month
went by. He's extremely sacrificing for me in other ways.


Sandra (Louisville, KY)



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Hello Sandra, and thank you for writing me.  Congratulations on
your engagement!

I understand how you feel.  But without really knowing you or your
fiance very well, I can only give some ideas as to what may be
going on. 

I have been in a relationship in the past with a man who was very
blatant about looking at other women.  And yes, it hurt me too.
 
I felt as if I did everything possible to be an attractive woman,
inside and out.  As such, I believed I did not deserve that kind
of disrespect.  Then again, who does?

The bottom line is he wanted a woman with a huge chest and who was
tall like a model.  I'm only 5'1" and at that time I was a size "A".

One time he actually went so far as to follow a woman at the
grocery store around with his mouth hanging open...literally.
 
In his defense she was in shorts that showed her butt cheeks and a
top that showed her mid section and most of her breasts.  Everyone
noticed her...men and women alike! 

Long story short, though, if your fiance is brazen enough to
habitually gawk at other women in your very presence, don't plan
on his behavior changing. 

It's one of those things you either choose to put up with or else
find someone more respectful who considers you more desirable
than other women.

Now you know by now that I don't ever, ever recommend settling
for less in a man than you want.
 
Let's face it, though--it's unreasonable to expect to cure a man of
looking at any other woman...ever.
 
But the fact remains.  If he has not settled for you and esteems
you above other women he will indeed respect you enough not to
openly lust after other women, either in your presence or when the
two of you are apart. 

Appreciation of female beauty is one thing, and in a perfect world
a man and a woman who are partners can still acknowledge that there
are indeed attractive people on Earth besides the two of them.

But let's take a look at it from another possible angle before
closing the book on this discussion.

The truth is, some women are the jealous type--no matter what a man
does.

Some men live in fear that if a pretty woman walks by, even if he
does NOT look that his wife or girlfriend will get very upset.
 
A man in this situation can never win.  Unfortunately, this kind of
behavior from a woman will drive a man away, usually sooner than
later.

It's hard to live a life where you are always being accused of
cheating or ogling at women when you are innocent. 

With that said, remember all men will look to some degree. 
Scot indeed notices women, but he does not get whiplash doing so.
And he does not look at the women in a way that openly indicates
that he wants them sexually.
 
If he had seen the woman my ex and I had saw at the grocery store,
Scot would have noticed her (who could help it?) but he would not
have been drooling over her.

Scot always lets me know how much he loves me.  He also shows me
AND tells me how he finds me to be the most attractive woman to
him.

As such, I feel safe and secure with him.  He does not make me feel
like less of a woman.

But you can't get this kind of feeling from a man naturally by
ruling over him with an iron fist.  You've got to be the woman of
his dreams and by doing so you deserve what you want in a man.

My first suggestion would be to determine if you might be letting
jealous feelings get the best of you.  Is your expectation that
your fiance will never, ever notice another woman at all?
 
If so, this can be rectified because it's something you have
ultimate control over.  Believe you are the kind of woman your
fiance really wants, and in doing so empower him to remain attracted
to and committed to you forever.

Notwithstanding that, if your fiance has a legitimately
uncontrollable habit of undressing every woman who passes with his
eyes, my next suggestion is to determine to what degree your
fiance is causing you to feel uneasy and ask yourself why he is
doing that.

In that case, definitely have a talk with him.  There has got to be
communication.

My guess is that he already knows his actions are both disrespectful
and hurtful to you.  If he cannot curb his appetite for the
smörgåsbord of women elsewhere, he may very well not be ready for a
committed relationship with you.

A little honesty can go a long way here...and that's exactly what the
two of you need right now.

I wish you both the best.  Any time two people who have been living
single lives come together there are always bumps in the road to
iron out.  The trick is to make sure those issues are indeed
resolved before it's too late to turn back.


Have Fun,

Emily McKay




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