[X&Y Emily] What To Do If He Says, "I Love You, But I'm Not IN LOVE With You."

Published: Tue, 10/20/15

 

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WHAT'S INSIDE:  Karen's been dating a man who now says he "loves"
her, but he's not "IN love" with her.  What to do?

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SIMPLE, INNOCENT WORDS THAT MAKE HIM
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Visit this fascinating website that shows you the innocent
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P.S. I have to warn you, if you aren't 100% sure that you want
him to crave you passionately forever, then don't ever say these
words to him.

They could be dangerous because once you use them he'll be
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He'll go out of his way to show you how passionate he is about
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Should you use them?  I can't answer that question for you, since
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Innocent Words



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HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT


Hello:

I'm 29 years old and I've been with my man for about 7 months now.
We took our time getting to know each other and started out as
friends.

We have our disagreements here and there but for the most part
everything is great; this is the best relationship I've had.

We had a very honest conversation this morning that bothered me,
honestly it hurt.  He tells me he loves me, I have no doubt that he
does because his actions tell it all.  But this morning he told me
that he's not IN LOVE yet.

He was in love with a woman whom he was planning on marrying but
left a couple years ago.  And he says he thinks its gonna take a
long time before he feels like that again.  

I am IN LOVE with him and assumed he felt the same because he acts
like a man in love.

I've had several men in the past fall in love with me sometimes too
fast and it made me wonder if that's just something that some
people do because they want love so badly.

Now I have this man that I'm head over heels for but he's telling
me that its not there for him.

Part of me says to move on because if he's not in love by now, he
won't ever be and maybe I'm just not the woman for him.

But I also wonder if that's fair to assume that everyone falls in
love within a few months??

Can you truly love your partner if you're not IN LOVE?  I would
love your thoughts.


Thanks,

Karen (Parts Unknown)



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Hello Karen, and thank you for writing me.

Remember when we were kids and we'd pluck petals from flowers
saying, "He loves me...he loves me not"?  Those were far simpler
times, right?  The idea of "love" seemed so basic in our
childlike minds.
 
However we're indeed adults now, and with that comes far deeper,
more complicated questions.  

Enter the concept of "loving" vs. actually "being in love".  And
even if we can sort that all out, how long then does one really
take to fall madly deeply head over heels IN love?

Most of us genuinely love our kids, parents, friends and possibly
even our favorite dessert.  Perhaps we have a passion or love for
a hobby or our career.  Maybe we say we love and care for people
in general.  

It's fair to say we love all of these entities differently and in
varied intensity.

When he said he "loves" you, he surely meant that he CARES about
you.  He has positive feelings for you.  He doesn't want to hurt
you, and most likely wants what's best for you.

So why is he not IN LOVE yet?

To answer that we need to see what IN LOVE looks like.

What is the recipe for being IN LOVE?



1.  Being Best Friends (But Not JUST Friends)


This requires spending time quality time together, and developing a
meaningful trust though actions.  This frees you both to feel safe
to share and learn all there is to know about each other over time.

This is why true love is not instant.  But then again, it doesn't
take years either.   



2.  A Strong Desire To Please Your Partner


Looking out for each other's best interest is key.  The problem
here is when one party takes and the other gives most, if not all
the time.  

A taker cannot be IN LOVE if all they do is take.  Being IN LOVE
requires giving even when it's inconvenient.  That's just how it
works.



3.  Passion, Emotional AND Sexual


Sexual passion tends to be strong in the beginning of a
relationship.  As the relationship grows the emotional bonds take
over.  

The emotional bonds are tied to what we cherish about our partner.
Of course, that means there should be qualities and attributes
that they cherish about us too.

Goals and missions we choose to share can drive passionate
connection as well, right?

Does your partner represent the qualities that you want in a man?

Are his ambitions and desires in life in sync with yours?

Do you connect on a level with him that you don't with anyone
else?

If all of that is the case, you probably have that sparkle in your
eyes for him.  

So now, lets turn the tables here.  

If he is what you want in a man, are you 100% sure you're want HE
wants in a woman?

You said, "Maybe I'm just not the woman for him."

Are you representing the qualities he wants?  Are you and he on the
same page when it comes to life goals and purpose?



4.  Trust


This is huge.

A man needs to know he can trust us not to cheat on him.

He also has to be able to rest assured that we'd never embarrass
him in public or around friends and family.

He needs to feel like we are his biggest fan and supporter of
whatever the plan is.  

Obviously, you've got to have faith in him also.



If he is not in love yet, the question is why?  Is there something
in what I've outlined above that is missing?  If yes, what is it?
 
Try talking to him again.

REMEMBER...he says he "loves" you, which means he must care about
you.  That means he does not want to hurt your feelings or see
you cry.

This can make a man clam up, especially if he thinks even one thing
he wants to say will cause you to react emotionally.

Let him know you appreciate the honest truth and that you won't
judge what he says.  Next comes the hard part:  keeping your word
on that.

Hopefully he will feel comfortable enough to share what he
perceives to be missing in the relationship.

Can someone go from "loving you" to "being in love"?

Yes, it can happen.  But you both have to want it and work towards
it.



 




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