[X&Y Emily] Are You Stuck On The Wrong Man?
Published: Sun, 10/02/16
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IN THIS ISSUE: Sure, we all see a man from time to time who gives us
butterflies. But what happens when we get too carried away before
we even know what the future holds?
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ARE YOU STUCK ON THE WRONG MAN?
Hi Emily,
My name is Tracey and I live in Ontario, Canada.
At the moment, I am heartbroken over a man. This gorgeous man
and I have been sharing mutually attractive sensors for over a year
now. He works out at my gym.
He knows I'm interested because I asked his best friend if he was
single.
I knew he was at the time but wanted to feel out his friend and
have him get the word back to him.
It worked. He seemed to be interested although never approached
me. He was often in my proximity.
I am under the impression based on my highly intuitive nature this
man is afraid and shy.
He makes my blood boil and my knees shake.
He's 49, never married. I have never gone up to him because I
believe in chivalry and I am not a man chaser. He probably thinks
I'm not interested!
Here is the problem. Lately, I've noticed he's not around at the
same time and I sense he is avoiding me (for good reason) and seems
different to me.
Well, I've just discovered why.
Two nights ago, I was coming down my street and saw him pull into
the blond bombshell's place. She was coming out the garage to get
in the car.
He is dating her. She works out at the gym and leaves very little
to a man's imagination in the way she dresses in her workout attire.
She was also just dating someone whom she would work out with and I
haven't seem him lately.
It's new, I'm quite sure of this.
My dilemma: after the initial shock of this discovery and a few
tears, I am certain I now need to go up to him and flirt a bit.
I am an extremely attractive, warm and approachable woman. He is
what I want and I believe the kind of man I deserve.
What do I do? Do I let him go quietly with her or do I take my
shot at him now before he gets too serious about the "man jumper"?
Please tell me what to do Emily!
Tracey (Ontario, Canada)
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Hello Tracey,
Thank you for writing me.
Nice job on having the strength to ask Gym Guy's friend about him.
It's a great way to let him know you are interested. But bear in mind
that you can also initiate small talk yourself with a man without
necessarily coming off as too forward, if being overly flirtatious
isn't your style.
That way you can have some direct input without depending on
fate and/or third parties.
All of that said, I'm sorry to inform you that although there's always
the possibility that he has been afraid or shy about approaching you,
he may not be interested in you anymore now that he is seeing
someone else.
The fact that you mentioned he's not at the gym the same time you are
anymore speaks volumes.
Now, I could encourage you to smile more and make yourself easier
to talk to should you ever actually see him at the gym again, but
I have a sneaking suspicion that's beside the point.
It may actually be a GOOD THING that he's found another woman to
date...especially if he isn't interested in the kind of
relationship you're looking for.
The fact that he is 49 and never has been married is a strong sign
that he does not commit, so don't expect him to have any kind of
long term relationship with you or another woman.
The man you described is most likely the kind that likes to be
with women without commitment. Is that the kind of man you want?
There are exceptions, of course, but it sounds as if you have allowed
yourself to be infatuated to the point of considerable emotional
involvement.
And yet the fact remains you know very little about what kind of man
this is.
My question to you is, "What kind of man do you want in your life?"
Are looking for a casual partner or a life long faithful partner?
But that's not the most pressing issue I see at play here.
The problem is that you have put your eggs all in one basket. You
feel hurt, even though you don't have any relationship with him at
all.
If you develop interest in other men who you have actually had the
opportunity to get to know--and who appear to appreciate you in
return--then it will not matter that Gym Guy did not show you any
attention.
Gym Guy is not the only man on Earth.
Approaching Gym Guy at this point will likely not bring you any
productive results.
Ironically, after having resisted opening a conversation with him
before, you would now appear in a very real way to be chasing him,
which in time will result in him not only avoiding you but also
disliking you.
To be honest, given the depth of information you already have
regarding the comings and goings of he and his new girlfriend, you
may even come off as sort of a stalker. Not so good!
The best thing to do is let him go and start meeting other men.
Who knows? Maybe in time he may change his mind and ask you out.
But by then you will be too busy to see Gym Guy because you'll have
tightened up your priorities and maybe even have found a great man
who adores you.
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