[X&Y Emily] "How Do You Talk About Commitment With A Guy...And When?"
Published: Sat, 02/11/17
EMILY McKAY'S KEYS TO BLISS NEWSLETTER
=====
IN THIS ISSUE: You've heard me say that if a man isn't talking
about commitment within a year of dating you, he may NEVER.
So how does a relationship-savvy woman get a clear idea of what
her man is thinking soon enough so as not to waste precious time?
=====
RELEASE THE AMAZING WOMAN WITHIN
If you have Attraction Makeover already, you know how much value
I've packed into it.
Be the "new, true you", master body language AND get inside men's
minds...all in one program.
When you're at your best AND you know what the good men out
there really want, then YOU get the man of your dreams...and he
can't wait to be with you.
That's the power of Attraction Makeover.
But you know me...I had to take it to the next level.
So guess what? That's right, I've added yet another bonus to
Attraction Makeover.
This time, I've invited my friend Mirabelle Summers from Meet Your
Sweet to contribute her excellent full-length audio program on "How
To Unleash Your Femininity".
Of course, the grand total for all of this is still just $37:
http://www.attraction-makeover.com/subscribers
And now, let's hear from Angela in Fairfax, Virginia...
=====
HOW DO YOU TALK ABOUT COMMITMENT WITH A
GUY...AND WHEN?
Hi Emily,
I so love your newsletters and look forward to them all the time. I
have a question for you.
I know you have said that when you were dating, you would tell men
you liked that you didn't date for more than a year if marriage
wasn't a prospect.
I have shared this with many of my friends and we "get it" and have
used it ourselves.
However, we are wondering what reaction would you get from men when
you told them this?
Also, would you date them all the way to the year date and then say
something, or would you remind them along the way at certain
intervals like the 3rd month, then the 6th month, etc.?
Would you stop dating a man if certain flags were shot up that
indicated strongly that investing a whole year in him would be a
mistake?
I guess we just want to get more details and stories as to how this
philosophy/strategy worked for you, and how it affected your
decisions to stay in or leave a relationship. What did you look for?
Thanks,
Angela (Fairfax, VA)
======
Hello Angela,
I'm so glad you wrote me.
These are very good questions, and women all over the world ask
them all the time.
When it came to letting men know about my belief in dating for no
more than a year without a commitment, I would go about
communicating this in several ways. It all depended on the
situation.
Sometimes at the very beginning I would ask questions to find out
about the man's past dating patterns. This was just an early
indicator of what I might expect from a potential relationship.
Then perhaps I would talk about friends who either dated for some
years or months and got married then I would get his view on it.
When it was worded this way guys usually spoke their opinions freely.
Upon hearing his points, I would also then share my thoughts on
the subject as well.
So, you can see that the conversation does not have to be blunt or
uncomfortable. You need not "throw it all on the table", especially
very early on.
Even so, contrary to what you may have heard elsewhere, men are
usually honest about how they feel about the dating process. If a
guy says he is just looking to date casually then believe him.
At that point in time he is not planning to becoming serious about
marriage. To presume that you can "change him" would just be
setting yourself up for heartbreak.
If, however, he says that he is looking for someone special to share
his life with, then let time pass to see how the relationship
progresses--which it SHOULD.
If after a few months the relationship becomes stuck, then it's time
to talk about what direction the relationship should go. Find out
if there is an issue that may need to be addressed in order for the
relationship to progress.
Some men use the expression, "If the right woman comes along then yes
I would be ready to commit." That's okay. It's perfectly fair for a
man to be very careful--if not downright picky--about who he enters
into an exclusive relationship with. And this takes TIME.
You don't have to break up right then and there, but unfortunately
some women hear "not right now" and believe that to automatically
mean "never". But that's not necessarily what he is saying to you.
Indeed, you can express to him that you believe there is a time line.
You will not stay around forever.
And that's where the yardstick of a year comes into play. Assuming
you aren't in some preposterous long-distance relationship that
severely limits your "face time" with each other, there should be
enough information available to you after a year to know if there is
a future together or not.
Remember, you are not trying to pin him down to a commitment.
Rather, you are simply interested in gauging whether he believes
there is a future together or not.
If not that is okay. He's not necessarily a bad guy for not wanting
that with you, but if you ARE looking for a long-term committed
relationship then this will mean that it is time to move on.
The good news is that this will free you to find the right man who
wants to commit to you, rather than staying indefinitely with a man
who may NEVER get around to marrying you.
To address another of your questions, you certainly don't have to
wait the full one year to break up. As soon as it is crystal clear
that the relationship will not develop into anything serious then it
is time to call off the relationship.
It's important to mean what you say when you end a relationship, too.
In some cases when a man can see that he has lost something great
that is when he "wakes up" and realize that you are the one he wants
for life.
You can feel free to handle those scenarios on a case-by-case basis.
BUT...I honestly feel that the vast majority of breakups occur for
good reason, ultimately.
"Breakup Remorse" is no reason to patch things up in and of itself.
For many, the proverbial grass will be greener no matter which side
of the fence he or she is standing on.
So to invite someone back after a breakup could very well mean you
are opening yourself to "on again/off again" flakiness.
For the record, yes...I've had to make some heart-wrenching decisions
myself, and ended up walking away. It was not easy. I cried
and my heart hurt at the time.
But I had a goal in mind. I wanted to find a great man to share my
life with.
All the pain was worth it. I found what I was looking for, and so
will you.
I remember the day Scot and I had a conversation about how one should
date. I was driving up to my driveway and we were talking on the
phone.
Asking the same questions I just mentioned above, it was wonderful to
hear him share his views with me, which were MY views also. My heart
was jumping up and down with excitement!
Looking back, none of the men I dated were scared off by the actual
conversation of commitment. The key was to keep the conversation
light and non-threatening the first few times the subject came up.
Don't be afraid to go after what you want. Don't let any man waste
your precious time.
Have Fun,
Emily McKay
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2017. All Rights Reserved.
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond
and we will kindly remove you from our mailing list.
=====
IN THIS ISSUE: You've heard me say that if a man isn't talking
about commitment within a year of dating you, he may NEVER.
So how does a relationship-savvy woman get a clear idea of what
her man is thinking soon enough so as not to waste precious time?
=====
RELEASE THE AMAZING WOMAN WITHIN
If you have Attraction Makeover already, you know how much value
I've packed into it.
Be the "new, true you", master body language AND get inside men's
minds...all in one program.
When you're at your best AND you know what the good men out
there really want, then YOU get the man of your dreams...and he
can't wait to be with you.
That's the power of Attraction Makeover.
But you know me...I had to take it to the next level.
So guess what? That's right, I've added yet another bonus to
Attraction Makeover.
This time, I've invited my friend Mirabelle Summers from Meet Your
Sweet to contribute her excellent full-length audio program on "How
To Unleash Your Femininity".
Of course, the grand total for all of this is still just $37:
http://www.attraction-makeover.com/subscribers
And now, let's hear from Angela in Fairfax, Virginia...
=====
HOW DO YOU TALK ABOUT COMMITMENT WITH A
GUY...AND WHEN?
Hi Emily,
I so love your newsletters and look forward to them all the time. I
have a question for you.
I know you have said that when you were dating, you would tell men
you liked that you didn't date for more than a year if marriage
wasn't a prospect.
I have shared this with many of my friends and we "get it" and have
used it ourselves.
However, we are wondering what reaction would you get from men when
you told them this?
Also, would you date them all the way to the year date and then say
something, or would you remind them along the way at certain
intervals like the 3rd month, then the 6th month, etc.?
Would you stop dating a man if certain flags were shot up that
indicated strongly that investing a whole year in him would be a
mistake?
I guess we just want to get more details and stories as to how this
philosophy/strategy worked for you, and how it affected your
decisions to stay in or leave a relationship. What did you look for?
Thanks,
Angela (Fairfax, VA)
======
Hello Angela,
I'm so glad you wrote me.
These are very good questions, and women all over the world ask
them all the time.
When it came to letting men know about my belief in dating for no
more than a year without a commitment, I would go about
communicating this in several ways. It all depended on the
situation.
Sometimes at the very beginning I would ask questions to find out
about the man's past dating patterns. This was just an early
indicator of what I might expect from a potential relationship.
Then perhaps I would talk about friends who either dated for some
years or months and got married then I would get his view on it.
When it was worded this way guys usually spoke their opinions freely.
Upon hearing his points, I would also then share my thoughts on
the subject as well.
So, you can see that the conversation does not have to be blunt or
uncomfortable. You need not "throw it all on the table", especially
very early on.
Even so, contrary to what you may have heard elsewhere, men are
usually honest about how they feel about the dating process. If a
guy says he is just looking to date casually then believe him.
At that point in time he is not planning to becoming serious about
marriage. To presume that you can "change him" would just be
setting yourself up for heartbreak.
If, however, he says that he is looking for someone special to share
his life with, then let time pass to see how the relationship
progresses--which it SHOULD.
If after a few months the relationship becomes stuck, then it's time
to talk about what direction the relationship should go. Find out
if there is an issue that may need to be addressed in order for the
relationship to progress.
Some men use the expression, "If the right woman comes along then yes
I would be ready to commit." That's okay. It's perfectly fair for a
man to be very careful--if not downright picky--about who he enters
into an exclusive relationship with. And this takes TIME.
You don't have to break up right then and there, but unfortunately
some women hear "not right now" and believe that to automatically
mean "never". But that's not necessarily what he is saying to you.
Indeed, you can express to him that you believe there is a time line.
You will not stay around forever.
And that's where the yardstick of a year comes into play. Assuming
you aren't in some preposterous long-distance relationship that
severely limits your "face time" with each other, there should be
enough information available to you after a year to know if there is
a future together or not.
Remember, you are not trying to pin him down to a commitment.
Rather, you are simply interested in gauging whether he believes
there is a future together or not.
If not that is okay. He's not necessarily a bad guy for not wanting
that with you, but if you ARE looking for a long-term committed
relationship then this will mean that it is time to move on.
The good news is that this will free you to find the right man who
wants to commit to you, rather than staying indefinitely with a man
who may NEVER get around to marrying you.
To address another of your questions, you certainly don't have to
wait the full one year to break up. As soon as it is crystal clear
that the relationship will not develop into anything serious then it
is time to call off the relationship.
It's important to mean what you say when you end a relationship, too.
In some cases when a man can see that he has lost something great
that is when he "wakes up" and realize that you are the one he wants
for life.
You can feel free to handle those scenarios on a case-by-case basis.
BUT...I honestly feel that the vast majority of breakups occur for
good reason, ultimately.
"Breakup Remorse" is no reason to patch things up in and of itself.
For many, the proverbial grass will be greener no matter which side
of the fence he or she is standing on.
So to invite someone back after a breakup could very well mean you
are opening yourself to "on again/off again" flakiness.
For the record, yes...I've had to make some heart-wrenching decisions
myself, and ended up walking away. It was not easy. I cried
and my heart hurt at the time.
But I had a goal in mind. I wanted to find a great man to share my
life with.
All the pain was worth it. I found what I was looking for, and so
will you.
I remember the day Scot and I had a conversation about how one should
date. I was driving up to my driveway and we were talking on the
phone.
Asking the same questions I just mentioned above, it was wonderful to
hear him share his views with me, which were MY views also. My heart
was jumping up and down with excitement!
Looking back, none of the men I dated were scared off by the actual
conversation of commitment. The key was to keep the conversation
light and non-threatening the first few times the subject came up.
Don't be afraid to go after what you want. Don't let any man waste
your precious time.
Have Fun,
Emily McKay
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2017. All Rights Reserved.
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond
and we will kindly remove you from our mailing list.