[X&Y Emily] 5 Good Reasons To Love Without Fear Of Getting Hurt
Published: Sun, 04/30/17
WHAT'S INSIDE: Sure, we've all had relationships that didn't end
the way we wanted them to. But how WE respond to the letdownsmakes all the difference in terms of what the future holds...
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DO YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO LOVE FEARLESSLY?
As you probably already know if you've been reading this newsletter
for long, we're good friends with Amy Waterman from Meet Your
Sweet.
Amy is a total sweetheart, and she really knows what she's talking
about when it comes to men, love and relationships.
So when she told me that she had written a brand-new book, I have
to say that I was not just excited--but EVEN MORE excited than I
usually am whenever something new and wonderful comes along.
If you're in a hurry, here's the link to Amy's new Guide To
Fearless Dating:
And yes...I've read through it.
I'm impressed with how Amy is one of the FEW gals out there who
actually EMPOWERS us as women to aim higher, reach farther and
NEVER allow ourselves to give up like a "shrinking violet".
Better yet, she understands that we're all human. When we're cut,
we bleed. But like everyone else we can also HEAL our wounds and
be stronger than ever.
And yes...she understands that we ALL would really rather AVOID pain
and frustration, looking forward instead to welcoming that oh-so
fulfilling joy and happiness into our lives that we desire so much.
All of that is so evident in her book...and it's so refreshing to see
such a well-written and powerful approach to actively finding the
RIGHT man, instead of just "waiting around" for whomever comes
along:
So I couldn't help but start thinking about WHY so many of us as
women can't seem to get past the pain.
I mean, how is it that some women can endure intense hardship or
even abuse--sometimes over the course of years--and STILL bounce back
from it and find a great man?
Meanwhile, some other women seem to let even a relatively minor
roadblock in their dating lives set them back YEARS or even
DECADES from traveling the road to relationship bliss with a great
man.
Now, I realize there's a HUGE chance that I may be touching your
heart in a very sensitive way with what I'm saying.
But remember always, like Amy I'm completely committed to doing
what I can to empower you to experience all the love, joy and
happiness you can carry.
I'm definitely not under any pretense that one small newsletter
like this is going to sweep away years of hurt.
But if I can give you just one or two small rays of light to guide
you just a bit further along the road to happiness today, my words
will not have been in vain, right?
So that said, here are several ideas that may help you move from
being AFRAID of the potential negative outcomes of getting into a
relationship.
After all, wouldn't it be great to BOLDLY and COURAGEOUSLY live and
love with all of your heart in full expectation of a positive
outcome?
1) It's Not Really "Us vs. Them"
When things don't go the way we had hoped in a relationship, it's
disarmingly easy to pass blame on to the guy, isn't it?
And hey...maybe he did indeed disappoint you. If that's the case,
you have every reason to be upset.But that doesn't mean that ALL men are "the enemy".
The battle cry of the woman who has lost all control over her
dating life is typically, "All men are the SAME...and they're ALL
JERKS."
How can you expect to attract a great man who RESPECTS women (and
you in particular) if you expect the WORST from any man you meet?
The truth is that there are black-hearted souls and hearts of gold
to be found in EITHER gender.
Need proof? Just ask Scot. He gets e-mails from men ALL DAY long
who have been hurt by a woman and have allowed themselves to
believe that ALL women are hurtful.
So above all...remember that we're ALL human. Some of us are female
humans, and others are male.
And unfortunately, that also means that the "Us vs. Them" mentality
isn't a gender-specific one, ironically enough. That alone is
excellent food for thought.
That brings us to the next point...
2) One Doesn't Speak For All
Like the first point above, this one speaks to GENERALIZATIONS we
tend to make about MOTOS (members of the other sex) having
experienced pain in our relationships with them.
But as the first point focuses on how we perceive the opposite
gender, this one is sort of the "flip side": How WE think THEY
perceive us.
Now, like the point above (and the next three that follow,
actually) this one is NOT gender-specific either.
To wit, here's an example from Scot's coaching files. One day a
guy called him up who was feeling down on himself because of a
self-perceived fault, or "limiting belief" as Scot calls it.
The guy had allowed himself to believe that this one "problem"
caused him to be universally unattractive to women in general.
As it turns out, he had asked a woman out who not only turned him
down, but openly verbalized her reason for turning him down as that
one aspect of himself that he felt most self-conscious about.
The result? This experience galvanized the guy's thinking that ALL
women must find him repulsive...for the exact reason he found HIMSELF
repulsive.
The guy had not asked another woman out since this fateful event
occurred.
It had been TEN YEARS.
That's ten years of loneliness, in case it wasn't obvious.
As it turns out, Scot was able to demonstrate to the guy that one
woman's opinion was NOT representative of all women's collective
taste in men.
Within a very short amount of time, he was happily interacting with
women and dating again.
Has someone you were attracted to said something very hurtful to
you in the past that caused you believe you won't find love?
Remember...that's only ONE person's opinion. And to let that ONE
opinion shape your entire belief system about your self is
tantamount to giving that person SUPERPOWERS over you.
And believe me, that kind of power doesn't deserve to be bestowed
upon ANYONE...let alone someone who doesn't have your best interests
at heart, right?
3) Is Your Perception The Same As Everyone Else's?
Just like in the example above, how we see ourselves isn't always
in line with how the rest of the world sees us.
After all, one of the miracles of life is that we see the world
through our own eyes and not someone else's.
That means that we're intimately familiar with our faults, our
fears, our mistakes and, yes...our darkest thoughts.
This can cause us to feel shame, which leads to "fear of being
found out".
But in the midst of all this, it's all-too-easy to forget that
EVERYONE ELSE shares this "human condition".
We look around and see the outward appearance that others want us
to see. We can't possibly see what THEY are wrestling with from
within.
So the challenge is this: Can you step outside of your own being
and attempt to see yourself as others see you?
Maybe your mistakes and your faults aren't so bad (if bad at all,
even) to someone else.
Think I'm being a bit too optimistic here?
How about this...
A couple of weeks after Scot and I met, he confided in me that
right after his divorce he believed that NO WOMAN would possibly
want to get into a relationship with him if they found out a
certain thing about his ex-wife.
Not only did he find that to be an IRRATIONAL thought, he found a
woman (that's me!) who could DIRECTLY RELATE, having experienced
the exact same thing.
That actually helped Scot and I to have a STRONGER relationship.
4) No Risk, No Reward
Certainly, when we experience something painful the last thing we
want to do is go through it all over again.
So when a relationship causes us pain, our first impulse is, well,
not to get into any more relationships.
But here's the problem.
Sure, we can AVOID the pain associated with dating, guys and
relationships that way...but we also COMPLETELY ELIMINATE any chance
at having a HAPPY relationship.
The quandary we end up with a bad breakup or hurtful experience is
whether we believe the potential REWARD of starting over with
someone else is worth the RISK of more pain.
If you believe it IS worth the risk, you have a chance at having a
great relationship sooner than later...regardless of what pain you've
experienced in the past.
But if you DON'T take that risk, you pretty much have ZERO chance.
The "x-factor" for most women is how much focus and attention they
give to the pain they've experienced as opposed to making a
conscious effort to put it out of their mind.
Do you, in some weird twisted way actually LOVE the fear that the
pain has caused you...perhaps because it makes you feel "safe" from
future harm?
Begin to see your pain-induced fear as the OBSTACLE it truly is,
and that may be the motivation you need to give love another shot.
5) "Safety" May Not Really Be So "Safe"
Here is the most poignant point of all, perhaps.
The best way I know to illustrate it is to, again, give you an
example.
Coincidentally, this example also comes from a guy...further making
the point that what we're talking about today is commonly faced by
both men AND women.
We got an e-mail from a guy wherein he recalled an event in his
pre-teen years that caused him to grow bitter toward all women in
general.
Since then, he had been unable to even talk to a woman...let alone
ask her out or get into a healthy relationship with her. Ever.
He is now 79 years old.
By his own estimation, he had been "protecting" himself from pain
for all these years. But now he couldn't help but look back on his
life and realize what he's missed out on.
Only now--after all these years--does he finally feel ready to take
the kind of risk mentioned above.
But the inevitable question is a rhetorical one: Did his life-long
attempt to protect himself from pain really keep him "safe"?
Like I said, I don't expect this one newsletter alone to transform
a long-standing habit of fear into a bold new courageous mindset.
But wow...I have a heartfelt trust that you are encouraged and
empowered more now than before--even if you're already boldly going
after the happiness you want in life.
And if you want to receive even MORE power and encouragement, I'd
definitely take a look at Amy's new Guide To Fearless Dating:
Every step towards embracing the wonderful, magical possibilities a
new relationship might hold is one you're likely to NOT regret
making.
After years of experiencing the range of human emotion myself when
it comes to dating, men and relationships I believe now more than
ever that the reward of a great relationship with a terrific man
will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS outweigh the "risk".
Have Fun,
Emily McKay
P.S. Do you feel your "sticking points" are unique ones?
Remember that Scot and I are always available to you for 1-on-1
direct consultation.
Tell us your story by dropping us a note:
When writing, please give us a way to contact you via phone or
Skype and we most certainly will. Whether it's just a one
hour session or a complete plan of action, we can help you
find the path that's right for you.
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