[X&Y Emily] "He Has A Vasectomy, But I Want A Baby...Now What?"

Published: Sun, 07/16/17

EMILY McKAY'S KEYS TO BLISS NEWSLETTER


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WHAT'S INSIDE:  Here is a great letter I received a few days ago. 
The subject line of her e-mail kind of set me up to expect something
different, but you'll see below what she's really talking about...

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E-MAIL FROM A READER:  "A REAL MAN, OR A CHILD?"


Hi Emily,
 
I want to start by saying I love what X & Y Communications is
doing.  I also have a dilemma I am facing lately.
 
I met this man a few months ago.  We were attracted to each other
immediately and hit it off.  Soon after we met during a
conversation it was revealed that he has a vasectomy. 

He already has two children....15 and 10. They live about 3 hours
away with the mom and he has them every other weekend. 

He is 42 yrs old. Is a teacher and lives on a boat.
 
Problem is, I don't have kids and I would like to have 1.  I am 37
yrs old.  Once I told him this, he commented that for the right
woman, he would reverse the vasectomy.  He said that other women
have also approached him with this issue.
 
Soon after that discussion, he told me he doesn't want to pursue a
relationship with me.  He said he doesn't feel a connection as a
life partner with me. 

He says he loves my personality, my energy, my warmth, my sense of
humor.  He says I have everything a man could want. 

So it makes me wonder if he isn't pursuing me because of the fact
that I want to have a child. 

Perhaps after much thought, he really wouldn't reverse a vasectomy.

This man has been divorced for 10 years and has never remarried. 

And has told me of many women who have left him and gone on to
marry other men.  I suspect that the issue of not being able to
have kids has cost him several relationships. 

And perhaps he really doesn't want any more but at the moment
it comes up he says "yes he does".
 
He invites me out in a group setting sometimes and we remain
somewhat friends. 

We have had sex a couple of times.  I guess we are "friends with
benefits"...and I hate being in this position.
 
I am 37 and starting to wonder of I should give up waiting for a
man who wants a family and just go for a good man even though he
may not want kids or cant have them. 

But I fear regretting not holding out as long as I can.  I have
given  myself until next year to have a family. 

If I am not in a committed relationship which is heading toward
marriage by the time I am 38, i figure kids won't happen for me. 

I really don't want to have them past 40.
 
Meeting this man has made me consider doing it now.  But I keep
wondering if in the next year I may meet the one. 

What are the chances, right? 

I know that with him there is no chance, and I accept that. 

But I don't want to lose a potential life mate because of
one year.  What's another 12 months, right?


Thanks,

A.B.



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Hello A.B.,
 
I'm glad you wrote me.  Many women are facing this issue of wanting
kids and feeling like the timeline is short. 
 
Your feelings on this matter is correct.  You will most likely
resent settling for someone who will not give you children.

Waiting a little while longer can make all the difference in the
world when it comes to happiness. 
 
According to statistics I found through a brief bit of research on
Google, about a half a million men choose a vasectomy every year
and about 30,000 attempt a reversal. 

That's only 6% of men who change their minds about kids. 

Men don't make the decision to get vasectomies on a whim.  After
much thought and two weeks of suffering through the recovery, it's
not something a man takes lightly.
 
Something to remember--even if we meet someone who is sincere about
a reversal--it is not foolproof. 

The pregnancy success rate after reversal is between 30-64%
depending on how long it has been since the vasectomy took place
and the technique use to reverse it, among other factors. 

That's not the best of odds.  Plus it's very expensive.
 
I believe the man you met a few months ago was sincere about never
having any more kids.  His kids are 10 and 15 years old and he has
been divorced for 10 years. 

This means he was not willing to stick around to raise another
child. 

Even though he sees his kids every other weekend now, at this age
they are relatively easy to take care of. 

The diapers, spitting up and sleepless nights are over.

Let's do the math here.  He left his wife about the time she was
pregnant or just after the last child was born because he did not
then and still does not want to raise kids. 

Is this the kind of so called "good man" you want in your life? 

A good man will stick around through the good and bad times. 
 
He is right that there is not a connection as a life partner with
you because he will not have more kids. 

It has nothing to do with your personality, energy, or your warmth. 

Simply put, he does not want kids no matter who he meets.  That's
his choice not to have more kids, but it's wrong for him to lead
you on by saying that he might change his mind. 

It's a great way to keep you around for SEX, to be honest. 

I'm sorry to say that's what he wants from you.  You are in
this position because you choose to remain in it.
 
If you want to find a great man who wants to find a great life
partner like you and have his kids with you, then you need to end
this dead-end relationship and go out there and find your happiness.
 
You said that you don't want to have kids when you get to be 40.
That means you have 3 years to find your man, which is plenty of
time to find a blissful relationship in which both of you want to
start a family. 

It's worth the wait.  After you turn 40 another thing to remember
is that you and your new love could adopt.  If kids are what you
want, then don't settle for less. 

Meeting a man who is your match is possible.
 
I wish you the best...

One last thought that may encourage you.  Please remember that
Scot and I didn't actually meet until our late thirties.  He
was actually 40 when we got married.

AND...I've just had a daughter shortly after turning 40 myself.
It wasn't nearly as challenging as I has originally thought it
would be, so do be in close communication with your OB/GYN
about that sort of thing and possibly keep an open mind. 


Have Fun,

Emily McKay
 



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