[X&Y Emily] What If You Fall Into A Boring Routine?
Published: Wed, 07/26/17
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WHAT'S INSIDE: What if you're dating someone, and it starts to
become obvious that the two of you have VERY different ideas
regarding certain things? How do you recognize the difference
between a "dealbreaker" and an area where compromise makes sense?
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WHAT IF YOU FALL INTO A "BORING" ROUTINE?
Hello, Emily,
I'm writing because I'm in a relationship with a great guy that
loves me, respects me and takes care of me. We're both 22 years
old.
But his idea of a great night together is staying in, cuddling and
going to bed early.
He's not at all sociable; he's not comfortable around people he
doesn't know (we share a circle, but he's seen my other friends
like twice in a year and a half).
Plus he's not comfortable going out if it's not to dinner or a
movie.
However, he's told me that he believes I deserve someone who takes
me out.
In light of this, I was wondering where is the limit between trying
to change someone and expecting for him to compromise?
Jasmine (Port Charlotte, FL)
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That's a great question, Jasmine.
That boundary between expecting some compromise in a relationship
as opposed to manipulatively "bending" someone to change into our
liking isn't always clearly defined, is it?
Issues such as what to eat, where to live, and what activities to
engage in may come up...and even couples who adore each other might
not always agree.
In the perfect world things would be done OUR way, right? Just
kidding of course...that can never be expected.
So what should be done when disagreements arise...especially when it
comes to matters so critical to the flow of our relationships?
When major difference happen in a relationship, we should consider
the following:
1) Is the problem something we can solve with an acceptable
compromise that will make both of us happy? Or...
2) ...would one of us have to give up a big part of themselves (their
core spirit), resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run?
Let use the following example to illustrate how this might work.
A couple both loves eating a variety of cuisines. Nevertheless,
there will be days where they disagree on where or what to eat.
Generally speaking, is there a solution with an acceptable
compromise that will make both of them happy?
The answer is absolutely YES.
Would one of them be giving up a big part of themselves (their core
spirit) resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run?
Not likely...at least I HOPE not!
This is when compromise is important and should be readily
attainable by two reasonable people.
Perhaps there's a "middle ground"...perhaps a restaurant with an
eclectic menu.
Or one day she can pick a place and the next time he can pick.
However, what if one partner (or both) refuses to make a fair
compromise?
Unfortunately, not everyone has grown up to understand the
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That's a great question, Jasmine.
That boundary between expecting some compromise in a relationship
as opposed to manipulatively "bending" someone to change into our
liking isn't always clearly defined, is it?
Issues such as what to eat, where to live, and what activities to
engage in may come up...and even couples who adore each other might
not always agree.
In the perfect world things would be done OUR way, right? Just
kidding of course...that can never be expected.
So what should be done when disagreements arise...especially when it
comes to matters so critical to the flow of our relationships?
When major difference happen in a relationship, we should consider
the following:
1) Is the problem something we can solve with an acceptable
compromise that will make both of us happy? Or...
2) ...would one of us have to give up a big part of themselves (their
core spirit), resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run?
Let use the following example to illustrate how this might work.
A couple both loves eating a variety of cuisines. Nevertheless,
there will be days where they disagree on where or what to eat.
Generally speaking, is there a solution with an acceptable
compromise that will make both of them happy?
The answer is absolutely YES.
Would one of them be giving up a big part of themselves (their core
spirit) resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run?
Not likely...at least I HOPE not!
This is when compromise is important and should be readily
attainable by two reasonable people.
Perhaps there's a "middle ground"...perhaps a restaurant with an
eclectic menu.
Or one day she can pick a place and the next time he can pick.
However, what if one partner (or both) refuses to make a fair
compromise?
Unfortunately, not everyone has grown up to understand the
concept of sharing and fairness.
And let's face it, such a person is going to have to mature a bit
before he or she is ready to be one half of a great relationship,
right?
But another thing to consider is that this can also be a BIG RED
FLAG that he or she may not be deeply romantically in love with
you...or at least not as much so as the other partner is.
When this is the case, the partner who refuses to compromise may
feel as if he might as well try to "get away" with whatever he or
she chooses too, expecting that the other person will simply "put
up with it".
This is part of the dangerous pattern of relationships where
someone feels as if he or she has "settled".
In fact, be sure to make this one of your deal breakers: Never
stay with someone who expects (or even demands) you to almost
always give in, with very little flexibility in return.
But what if you're in a relationship where there are consistent
areas that require heavy-duty compromise on a regular basis.
Is there any chance that EITHER of you will change?
Let's look at another example to illustrate that one as well.
If one person eats a variety of foods and the other one eats, say...
And let's face it, such a person is going to have to mature a bit
before he or she is ready to be one half of a great relationship,
right?
But another thing to consider is that this can also be a BIG RED
FLAG that he or she may not be deeply romantically in love with
you...or at least not as much so as the other partner is.
When this is the case, the partner who refuses to compromise may
feel as if he might as well try to "get away" with whatever he or
she chooses too, expecting that the other person will simply "put
up with it".
This is part of the dangerous pattern of relationships where
someone feels as if he or she has "settled".
In fact, be sure to make this one of your deal breakers: Never
stay with someone who expects (or even demands) you to almost
always give in, with very little flexibility in return.
But what if you're in a relationship where there are consistent
areas that require heavy-duty compromise on a regular basis.
Is there any chance that EITHER of you will change?
Let's look at another example to illustrate that one as well.
If one person eats a variety of foods and the other one eats, say...
only hot dogs, you have a serious problem indeed.
Someone will HAVE to change.
The person who gives up the variety foods in exchange for just hot
Someone will HAVE to change.
The person who gives up the variety foods in exchange for just hot
dogs would be giving up a part of him or herself.
Perhaps we could attempt to force the other person who likes
hot dogs to give in by making him or her eat meals he or she doesn't
like--but that would involve a RADICAL change on his or her part.
Is there a solution with an acceptable compromise that will make
both of them happy?
Almost assuredly not. One or both individuals will be disappointed
at meal time EVERY TIME...resulting in feelings of resentment in the
long run,
Jasmine, in your case your boyfriend inherently enjoys just staying
home and being around what's familiar to him.
The thought of compromise is not an option in to him, since this is
a part of his core personality...it's part of his being, essentially.
He may be a great guy and might like having you around, but he's
being honest with you when he tells you that he believes you
deserve someone who takes you out more often.
He knows he cannot--and in fact will not--live up to your
expectations.
What's more, the fact that he so glibly speaks of you deserving
someone else may signal that he hopes YOU ACT ON THAT.
Perhaps we could attempt to force the other person who likes
hot dogs to give in by making him or her eat meals he or she doesn't
like--but that would involve a RADICAL change on his or her part.
Is there a solution with an acceptable compromise that will make
both of them happy?
Almost assuredly not. One or both individuals will be disappointed
at meal time EVERY TIME...resulting in feelings of resentment in the
long run,
Jasmine, in your case your boyfriend inherently enjoys just staying
home and being around what's familiar to him.
The thought of compromise is not an option in to him, since this is
a part of his core personality...it's part of his being, essentially.
He may be a great guy and might like having you around, but he's
being honest with you when he tells you that he believes you
deserve someone who takes you out more often.
He knows he cannot--and in fact will not--live up to your
expectations.
What's more, the fact that he so glibly speaks of you deserving
someone else may signal that he hopes YOU ACT ON THAT.
It's not unheard of for guys to stay in less-than-perfect
relationships simply because they don't want to deal with the
breakup. They may be worried about "making you cry" or whatever.
Indeed, it's not uncommon AT ALL for guys to underestimate not only
our emotional fortitude as women but also our desire to hear the
truth rather than being strung along.
And let's face it, on the other hand it would be TRAGIC if you gave
up your desire to get out of the house and have some fun for the
sake of "bending" to his boredom....especially if he isn't so crazy
about you anyway.
So right he is. Jasmine, you DO deserve someone who wants to enjoy
life with you to the fullest.
Remember always, compromise can be good for a relationship as long
as it does not overstep the boundaries of either partner's core
being.
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2017. All Rights Reserved.
1-on-1 Coaching With Scot And Emily
How Emily Met The Man Of Her Dreams, And YOU Can Too
Travel And Adventure...You Can Do This!
Just For Women
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It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
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relationships simply because they don't want to deal with the
breakup. They may be worried about "making you cry" or whatever.
Indeed, it's not uncommon AT ALL for guys to underestimate not only
our emotional fortitude as women but also our desire to hear the
truth rather than being strung along.
And let's face it, on the other hand it would be TRAGIC if you gave
up your desire to get out of the house and have some fun for the
sake of "bending" to his boredom....especially if he isn't so crazy
about you anyway.
So right he is. Jasmine, you DO deserve someone who wants to enjoy
life with you to the fullest.
Remember always, compromise can be good for a relationship as long
as it does not overstep the boundaries of either partner's core
being.
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2017. All Rights Reserved.
1-on-1 Coaching With Scot And Emily
How Emily Met The Man Of Her Dreams, And YOU Can Too
Travel And Adventure...You Can Do This!
Just For Women
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please use the
link below to quickly and securely remove yourself from our
mailing list.