[X&Y Emily] "Is He Lying, Or Is He Just Losing Interest?" (Letter From A Reader)
Published: Sat, 10/21/17
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IN THIS EDITION: Today I've got an e-mail from a reader who heard
wonderful things from a man in the beginning...only to have him
change his tune later. What's a woman to do? Read on to find out...
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WE'RE HERE FOR YOU
Have you been thinking it's time to end the dating drama once and for
all and finally meet the man of your dreams?
Or maybe you're ready to date again for the first time in a while, but
just don't know where to start...or what to expect?
Well, always remember...Scot and I are dating coaches. We've found
love together and are 100% passionate about helping you to do the same.
Write me and tell me your story. If you're ready to talk to us about
a coaching program specifically designed for you, give us a way to
contact you.
scotandemily@scotandemily.com
We're here to help you live the dream!
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IS HE LYING, OR IS HE JUST LOSING INTEREST?
Hi Emily, Just want to say I love your newsletter and always learn
so much from it.
I wanted to get your opinion on something. I've been dating this guy
for about 2 months now. We have a lot in common and get along
great.
The first few dates were nice and he brought up marriage and kids.
He said he wanted to eventually marry again (he's been married
before) and have a child soon (he has no children)...within a year
since he is older.
He said he didn't want to be an old dad. This was music to my ears
since I too want to get married and have a child.
Well based on this, we decided to go exclusive since I would only go
exclusive with a man that wanted marriage and kids like I do.
However, for the last few weeks, this man has slowly but surely
changed his story.
Now he says that marriage isn't necessary. That two people can
commit to one another and love each other without marriage. That
the piece of paper is false security and that it just creates more
problems than it's worth.
He believes two people can build a life together without the need
for marriage. Then he says that if he did decide to marry someone,
he would have to date her for at least 3 years and that it takes
that long to get to know someone and be sure.
I told him I disagreed.
He also says now that he isn't sure he wants to have kids.
So now I find myself in an exclusive relationship with someone who
doesn't share my timetable or my dream to marry and try to have a
child.
I don't have three years to wait around for a man to marry me and
then start a family. And even if I didn't want kids, I don't think
it's necessary to date someone for that long before marriage.
I think if you know that person is THE ONE, you will know it in
about 1 yr or so. Why drag it out and date for so long needlessly?
Do you think I am wrong or being unrealistic? Is 3 yrs necessary to
truly know if the person is THE ONE?
Should I continue to date him exclusively knowing now what I know
about him? Or should I break it off?
Thanks,
Annette (Bernalillo, NM)
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Hello Annette:
I am glad to hear from you. Your story brings to light some great
points that are important to share with the rest of our girlfriends.
But first I wanted to let you know that your feelings are right on.
If you are spending 3 or more days a weeks together then one year
of dating should be more than enough time to know if marriage is
the right step for the both of you.
Three years may make sense if you are very young (e.g. attending
college) or in a long-distance relationship. But that's not your
scenario.
Think about how easy it would be to waste 3 or more years on
someone who many never have real intentions of marrying you!
But the bigger picture here is that this man is playing you.
Early in the dating process he told you exactly what he thought you
wanted to hear: "I want to get married and have kids very soon."
He probably believed that if he dangled "commitment" before you,
you'd have sex with him.
It's kind of the guy version of a woman withholding sex until she's
in a committed relationship, if you think about it.
When we're selfish, we tantalize with what our partner wants...but
really only to get what we want.
When a man is sex-focused and a woman is longing to start a family
then he may offer to start that family with her someday. But in
the mean time he gets to fulfill his desire for sex.
The problem is after he has gratified his desires and received
everything he can from you then he might become disinterested. The
challenge is gone. The hunt is over.
The next step will be to drag out the relationship for years-or at
least until he moves on to someone else.
All men aren't like this, of course. But here are a few red flags
to watch out for in identifying those who are:
1. If a man is talking about marrying you within the first few
dates or how he would love to father your kids, then be
cautious. This could be a ploy...or he could be lonely and
willing to attach himself to the first woman who will say
"I do".
2. A sex-focused man could be constantly trying to pressure you
into sleeping with him...
3. ...or he could act disinterested to cause you to make the
first sexual advances. After all, we do want him to notice
us sexually, and men know we want them to think we're
attractive to them.
Always be careful about telling a man everything you're dreaming
about--especially as it might possibly pertain to him. In other
words don't be so quick to say, "I want to get married and have kids
soon".
If you'd like to, you can let your dates know that when the right
man comes along marriage would be nice and that someday you will
have kids.
Contrast that sentiment with dropping that desire squarely in his
lap.
This takes the pressure off of him, therefore freeing him from
thinking that you are trying to pin him down to a commitment.
As a result, he may be more likely to be straightforward about his
intentions.
Of course we don't want to think the worst of the men we date.
There are plenty of men who are actively looking for a wife with
the hope of starting a family. Scot and I are always hearing from
men like this, so we know they're out there.
So, then, knowing there are good men out there, how can we
fine-tune our B.S. detector when we come across a man who could be
deceiving us so we don't waste our time with the ones who aren't?
The key, as always, is if you notice inconsistencies, check to see
if he potentially lied to you or if he changed his mind about
something.
Let's look specifically at the man you are currently dating:
1. I'm sure it was nice to hear the words "I want to get
married soon, with in a year". But two months later he
shared with you his core belief about dating and marriage,
which is that couples should date for at least three years.
How can he get married within a year if he believes that
couples should date three or more years before doing so?
I change my mind about what shoes I'm going to wear but I
don't change my mind about deeply grounded beliefs.
This man lied in the beginning about wanting to get married
in the first place.
2. After previously expressing a desire to marry, he now says
marriage isn't even necessary at all. He claims that two
people can commit to one another and love each other
without marriage.
If you hear this from a man one of two things is going on.
First, he could possibly be having a change of heart. He
may be having second thoughts about whether you are the
one for him or not but is afraid to let you go just yet.
He could be buying time, waiting for someone better to come
along.
But ask if his ideas about marriage hold true regardless of
who he meets. If so, then he lied in the beginning about
wanting marriage.
Be aware that most men will be excited about getting
married if they believe they have found "The One".
3. Men and women usually know if they want kids or not,
especially when the clock is ticking. He even made sure
you were aware that he's getting older and wants to have a
child soon.
And now there's another change in the story. He has
informed you that he has no desire to have kids...at all
Again, clearly he has either experienced a very real change
of heart, or he has simply demonstrated that he is a liar.
There is only one good thing about lies: The truth eventually
comes out.
What we do with this information is up to us. We can try to keep
our heads in the sand and pretend it isn't happening, keeping
everything status quo.
We can continue to hope he will change and fulfill our dreams, even
though that is very likely to never happen.
Or we can do something about it. And I think that's the better
option...always.
Refuse to date any man who isn't "feeling it" for you anymore, but
who doesn't have the backbone to break up with you. And especially
refuse to continue dating any man who has proven to be deceitful.
Save a lot of time and heartache by continuing your quest for Mr.
Right elsewhere. In doing so you will be much more likely to find
a wonderful man who can't wait to marry you.
Have Fun,
Emily McKay
P.S. Last time, I told you about how a LOT of women are on Scot's
newsletter. Why? Because he's teaching his guys about how to
become REAL MEN that women like us CRAVE, that's why!
Interested in finding out what he's telling them so you can better
identify one when he comes along? If so, send a blank e-mail to:
xandy@aweber.com
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