[X&Y Emily] Should I Be Jealous?
Published: Sat, 02/24/18
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Every one of us feels jealous from time to time.
But how do you know if your jealousy is justified or not?
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SHOULD I BE JEALOUS? (PART ONE OF THREE)
Hi Emily,
Could you tell us something more about women's problem of jealousy?
As women, we are so often told we are "jealous without reason." If
that is the case, then I have to wonder whether my intuition is
right, or whether I'm making it all up.
I know this could be a complicated topic. It would make me feel
good to get your advise in some way. Any comment of yours will be
helpful to me.
Many warm wishes,
Charlene (Grapevine, TX)
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Hello Charlene,
Thank you so much for writing me.
The topic of jealousy is indeed a very broad topic, so I have
broken it up into 3 parts for you. Today's newsletter is part one.
The definition of "jealousy" in the context of a relationship is
the fear of losing someone you love or someone who is important to
you, as is the case in a relationship.
Jealousy it often accompanied by anger, sadness, stress, and
anxiety. It can happen whether you have a reason to be jealous or
not.
It's indeed true that many women are jealous without any objective
cause, allowing their active imaginations to lead them to believe
their man is cheating.
Sadly, this destroys any possibility of a blissful and healthy
relationship. Sometimes this can even cause a man whose intention
was originally to be faithful to decide to cheat on a woman so that
he is at least guilty of the crime that his is accused of!
But what if the cheating is very clear and cannot be denied?
What about the woman whose intuition is speaking to her as a direct
result of her man cheating on her? Is she wrong for feeling that
way?
It is completely normal to feel jealous when there are real,
tangible reasons to suspect a man maybe cheating. Our gut feeling
will alert us when something is wrong, and we should take note of
it--especially if we don't typically gravitate toward being
suspicious in our relationships.
Notice I said "take note of it" rather than "jumping to conclusions
and acting on it".
The problem is that not everyone has that gut feeling (or
intuition, if you will) fine-tuned.
So how is it possible to know if our intuition is protecting us or
disrupting our relationships?
Our gut feeling should be used as a signal that something is
wrong--whether it is actually the man we are dating or something
else that is causing the feelings. But finding which it is is
important in order to get rid of it and move forward with a happy
relationship.
What, then, does unhealthy jealousy look like, anyway?
Before I answer that, here is a Pop Quiz. Take your time to think
about the situations I'm sharing before giving your answers.
Please also keep in mind I'm referring in the following scenarios
to men who have not shown any evidence of cheating.
Have you found yourself in one or more of the following situations?
If so, what was your reaction?
1. Your boyfriend left to the grocery store to buy one item needed
to cook dinner. It usually takes 30 minutes to drive there and
back, not counting the time at the store. It has been an hour and
a half.
A. You're imagining who he might have stopped to see on the way
there. With each minute going by you are getting more and more
upset. When he gets home an argument starts and ruins the evening.
B. You're just simply upset...until he finally gets back with several
big bags of groceries.
C. You did not think anything of it. In fact, you didn't even
notice how much time had elapsed.
2. You're at a restaurant. Your boyfriend is looking past your
shoulder. What is your immediate reaction?
A. You turn around to see what beautiful woman he is looking at.
After expecting to see a pretty woman there, you look around until
you notice one and an argument ignites causing a scene about why
he's looking at her.
B. You turn around to see what beautiful woman he is looking at.
Once he points out a funny sign on a wall, you both laugh.
C. You look with curiosity to see what's so interesting in that
direction...honestly not knowing what it might be.
3. You have a bad dream, in which he was running around with
other women. What is your reaction after you wake up?
A. You wake him up and chastise him strongly for cheating on
you in your dream.
B. You're upset but wonder if it means anything. Understanding
that it was just a dream, you take time to calm down and let it go.
C. You simply ignore it.
4. He went to the restroom and left his phone behind. What do
you do?
A. You go through his phone list and caller ID of recent calls
expecting to find evidence of conversations with tons of other
women. Upon discovering them, you plan to write their numbers down
to call them later.
B. You briefly scan his Caller ID history and/or his contact
history because curiosity gets the best of you.
C. Mobile phones are private property, so you respect his
privacy and leave the phone on the table where he left it.
Final Results:
A. You are feeling intense jealousy, with or without cause.
B. You have a clear concern and/or uneasiness about losing him.
C. You feel confident that the relationship is healthy. (This is
were you always want to be.)
As you probably can guess, a single letter "A" response is
extreme--but lets face it, we all have met someone who falls into
this category.
But what about answering "B" for any of the scenarios above? Could
that still possibly be considered being jealous without reason?
The answer is "yes" because in the above situations the man
involved still did not give any actual, realistic reason to be
jealous.
This kind of jealousy slowly deteriorates your relationship, in
time causing you to lose the very thing you fear losing the
most....your boyfriend.
How can you stop being jealous without cause and therefore keep
from sabotaging your relationship? We will talk about that in part
2 of this 3 part series on jealousy
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