[X&Y Emily] 4 Ways To Stop Anyone From Taking Advantage Of You

Published: Sun, 03/04/18



EMILY McKAY'S KEYS TO BLISS NEWSLETTER

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WHAT'S INSIDE:  We all know that outright selfishness kills
relationships.  But can you be generous to a fault?

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LETTER FROM A READER: 4 WAYS TO STOP ANYONE
FROM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU


Hi Emily,

I have written to you before and would love your input on this
question.

I am currently separated and am waiting to get my divorce finalized
before starting to date. I am using this time to become the best
woman I can be.

Part of this process for me is to look at what went wrong in my
marriage (other than that I picked a very broken man).

I found that I over-functioned in my marriage and the worse things
got, the more I gave. From what I have been learning, this was a
big mistake.

I am a very giving, nurturing person.  Can I be too generous in a
relationship?

Giving is a part of who I am and I don't want to make the same
mistake again. I derive tremendous pleasure out of giving to those
around me, without the expectation of getting something in return.

How do I stay true to my authentic self in a relationship, without
over-doing the giving part?

When I care about someone, I want to show them. It could be cooking
them something special, showing them appreciation with words of
encouragement or doing something for them.

This has been very successful with my children and friends, but not
so much in my marriage. I don't know if it was because he wasn't
capable of receiving love or if it was something that I was doing
wrong.

I know it's hard to be able to answer this question without knowing
the whole situation. My view of giving to a partner is that we
would both give to each other in ways that show the other person
how special and loved they are.

Since I can't control how the other person does things, I give to
show my side of the love. I don't know if this makes sense.


Thanks for your input,

Lorraine (Cary, NC)


   
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Hello Lorraine

Good to hear from you again. 

First off, you're absolutely doing the right thing...the interim
between now and when your divorce is finalized is a great time to
learn so much and grow as a person.  You will be ready to make a
great choice when it comes to the next man in your life.

And now, on to your main question...

Please rest assured that you are not alone on this issue of being
taken advantage of.  As women we are nurturers; we want to bring
happiness to others.

I love how Scot put it.  "Men are providers and enablers for women
to have the freedom to bring abundant joy and happiness to the
family and the world."  We have an all-important role in life and
they are supporters of that.

However, since we live in an imperfect world something wonderful
really can turn to something, well...less than wonderful. 

For example: a little wine can do the heart good but it can surely
be abused to the point that it can damage the body. 

With all things there is a balance.  Let's just say that I firmly
believe that when someone overindulges in our kindness, then it's
time to help them curtail their consumption of it.

Here are a few basic guidelines to help you determine if someone
really is appreciative of your kindness or they are taking
advantage of it.


 
1)  Guard from allowing yourself to be the only one who's giving in
any type of relationship. 


Give the man or friend an opportunity to shower you with kindness
too.  Ironically, for many "givers" this can feel very
uncomfortable at first. 

Just remember there's real truth in the saying "There is more joy
in giving than receiving".  Therefore, why rob someone of the joy
of giving you something, whether it be in the form of a tangible
object or some special favor to you?

And if the other person appears to have no interest in reciprocating
at all?  Well, that indeed becomes a one-sided relationship which
is unfair to everyone.


 
2)  Be careful about giving in to others who brazenly make
DEMANDS of you.


If you are called upon to drop what you are doing for someone right
on the spot, it's time to make a quick judgment call. 

No matter how much you WANT to help someone, be sure to ask
yourself first, "If the roles were reversed, would this person come
to my aid or would I get an excuse?"

Ironically, that excuse can often come in the form of, "Yeah,
well...I'm in the middle of something".  Manipulative types only
help those who've helped them when it is convenient for them.  Don't
put yourself out for those types of people.


 
3)  Know and practice "The Golden Rule In Reverse".


This is the perfect antidote for when someone is trying to
manipulate you.

Sometimes if you balk at providing immediate help to someone who is
asking something of you, they might try to make you feel guilty...as
if YOU are the unreasonable one and should feel like a bad person
for not giving in.

When this happens ask yourself the following question:  "Would I
ever in a million years do unto someone else what is being done
unto me right now?" 

If the answer is "no"--that the thought of putting someone in that
position is unthinkable--then you have your answer.

Keep this in mind and you'll never be manipulated into "over
giving" again.


 
4)  Mark boundaries for yourself ahead of time.


There is nothing wrong with saying "no".  It is your right, and
oftentimes it's actually in the best interest of whomever is making
requests of you.

Although you can't control what other people do, you can control
what you let them do to you. 

Continue to love and nurture those you love but create boundaries
that are in everyone's mutual best interest and stick to them.



All of what I've shared with you takes practice and time to build
into good habits, but you can start today with friends and family. 

By the time you're in a place to date you will be ready!


Have Fun,

Emily McKay




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