[X&Y Emily] How To Tell Him You're No Longer Interested
Published: Sat, 07/28/18
EMILY McKAY'S KEYS TO BLISS NEWSLETTER
IN THIS ISSUE: What if you've started talking to (or even dating)
a guy, but now are thinking "maybe not"? What's the best way toproceed?
=====
WHAT QUESTIONS DO I ASK HIM?
I'm getting quite a few e-mails from you all about how to make
conversation with guys on dates, and especially how to make
sure to avoid those painful "awkward silences".
There are always some things you'd really like to find out about
a particular guy you're just getting to know...but you need to
find out exactly HOW to ask.
Well, as fortune would have it there's a great (and
inexpensive) resource book out there that gets rid of that
particular problem forever.
It's from none other than the world's top "romance expert"
Michael Webb, and it quite literally gives you an amazing
collection of GREAT conversation starters...whether you are on
a first date or wanting to take things to the "next level"
with a man you really like.
It's basically the ultimate "done for you" dating resource
imaginable:
1000 Questions To Ask On Dates
=====
HOW TO TELL HIM YOU'RE NO LONGER INTERESTED
Here's something that has happened to just about every one of
us as women.
We start talking to a man we're initially excited about getting
to know better, only to end up thinking "I don't think so"
sooner than later.
Unfortunately, if you're just getting started with online dating
in particular, this can happen more often than not...at least
until you've got a bit more practice at screening guys to
potentially meet.
So what's a woman to do in these situations? Most of us are
inherently nice, friendly people. We don't want to hurt a guy's
feelings.
And that's what makes doing the right thing all the more
difficult.
The "right thing", of course, is being truthful. You've simply
got to tell the guy you really aren't romantically interested.
How exactly to do this is dependent on several factors.
First, have you simply talked on the phone or have you met face-
to-face?
If you've only talked on the phone, it's okay to let him know you
are no longer interested via phone.
Have the two of you only traded a couple of e-mails? Your first
thought may be just to ignore him. But the woman of high
character will opt to send an email providing necessary closure.
Why is this necessary? Well first of all, it's just common
courtesy. Remember how you felt the last time a man left you
hanging after he told you he'd call you?
But this also gives the man a clear indication that it's time to
stop contacting you.
Thankfully, most guys will get the message. That way the
"stalker factor" goes way down. Without any clear direction
from you, a guy may optimistically continue to try contact you
in vain.
Is that what you really want?
Didn't think so!
Along the same lines, if you've actually taken the step to meet
a guy in person, my guess is that you'll know even while you're
on the date that you don't have any romantic intentions after
all.
Though I realize it sounds intimidating, you should let the man
know what's on your mind at the end of the date rather than
letting the news wait until some future phone call or e-mail.
This goes double for when you're talking about someone you'll be
seeing again in social circles or (God forbid) at work.
If you "wimp out" from telling him right then and there, all it
does is create a "false hope" that he can continue calling or
e-mailing you in the future.
And when you DO tell him you're not interested in that context
later, he's going to be left wondering what could have possibly
happened between the last date and that phone call or e-mail!
So now that you know the context to share the news in, here's
the all-important question: What do you ACTUALLY SAY?
Well, I'm sure that you're familiar with the "Let's Just Be
Friends" strategy. Women have been using it for YEARS.
You know--that's where you tell a man you aren't romantically
interested in that it's better if you "just be friends".
While that's certainly a common "escape" strategy, there are
two MAJOR problems with it.
First of all, in those situations we're usually more
interested in CUTTING OFF contact with the guy than "being
friends".
So unless you REALLY WANT to be "friends" with him, saying so
is not exactly truthful.
Second, and this is might be a shocker, according to Scot
most guys who get the "LJBF Talk" from women tend to hear it
A LOT.
Believe it or not, Scot says because of that just about every
guy out there would rather you level the honest truth...albeit
in a respectful way that doesn't shatter the guy's self-esteem.
As such, it's best to say some part or iteration of the
following:
"I'm sure you are a terrific person, but you and I are simply
not a match. There is someone out there who is going to
appreciate you much more than I ever could. I wish you well
on your search."
Those words, when spoken in a kind and genuine manner, convey
that you value the guy's worth as a fellow human being--while
offering acknowledgment that other women might find him
attractive.
And at the same time, it clearly projects that you ARE NOT
the right woman for him.
If you are meeting a guy casually and quickly for coffee,
you might simply wish him the best on his search at the end
of the meeting and the guy will likely get the message.
But when you feel he may indeed be attracted to you when you
aren't reciprocating that energy? That's when to express the
"full version" as offered above.
Now...that doesn't seem so hard after all, does it?
It's certainly better than the dreaded "Let's Just Be Friends
Talk".
It's also more effective than saying, "It's not you...it's
me." Admit it...you don't believe that when a guy says it to
you, either.
And by all means, it's WAY better than "mercy dating" because
we don't know how to tell the guy we aren't interested!
By the way, try the ideas I've shared with you even when
someone you interact with socially appears to be wanting more
than just a platonic relationship. It's a lot better than simply
saying, "No thank you" or falsely claiming that you "have a
boyfriend".
Now, if on occasion you find a guy doesn't really "get the
hint", you'll have to be more direct. But you can still
do so without being rude or insulting him.
Try saying, "I'm going to have to ask you please not to
contact me anymore. It's time for you to move on to someone
else."
One final thought. If you EVER feel your personal security
and/or respect is being compromised by a creepy or aggressive
guy, feel free to end the interaction RIGHT THEN and
THERE.
In those cases, you do not owe the guy any elaborate
explanation or special courtesies.
If you are on the phone, simply announce that the conversation
is over and you are hanging up.
If in person, tell him the date is over, that he should not
expect to contact you anymore, and leave.
Now, having shared all of that with you I have to tell you
something.
The BEST way to AVOID having to have "the talk" with Mr. Wrong
again and again is to STOP interacting with guys who are going
to disappoint you and START attracting the RIGHT ONES.
Keep on reading these newsletters and I'll be writing to you
about that soon.
As always, I appreciate you so very much...
Have Fun,
Emily McKay
=====
X & Y Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled
participant in the dating world you can be, at whatever stage of
life you are in. It's all about straight talk about the most
creative subjects, somehow encompassing character-based principles
while being neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important
things head on. The basic stuff you've heard a million times
isn't rehashed around here. Enjoy!
Please also note that the information in this newsletter is for
entertainment purposes only and is not intended to constitute
professional advice.
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications
LLC.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond
and we will kindly remove you from our mailing list.