[X&Y Emily] Do Divorced Women Get More Dates?

Published: Tue, 01/15/19

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IN THIS EDITION: Do women who are divorced get more dates than

women who have never been married? Here's a letter from Michelle
in Idaho...

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DO DIVORCED WOMEN GET ALL THE GUYS?

Hello Emily,

Hope all is well. I am a 35 year old woman who is pretty, funny,
and has a great career and great family and friends.

My question is why is it that divorced women are such a HOT
commodity as opposed to single, never married women like myself
when it comes to dating?

I ask because a friend of mine recently divorced earlier this year,
and men are beating her door down.

All of her recent dates become sexual within the third date (way
too fast for my taste) and the men do not take her to nice restaurants,
but she is getting tons of attention.

On the other hand, she tells me that "no man is going to wait for
you to be ready after a few months of dating, that's why they do not
stick around."

The last man I dated expected sex after our fourth date, but we had
only known each other for 3 weeks.

I was not comfortable with that and expressed that I would like to
get to know him better. He said "good luck" and never called again.

She recently was taken to a fine dining restaurant by a man who she
has been sleeping with and dating only on weeknights, last
Thursday.

He usually just takes her to an out of the way bar but they almost
always have sex. She sees the nice restaurant as a sign that he is
getting more serious about her.

I see it as a ploy to ensure that she keeps giving up the goods.

What should I do? Should I just give in to these men, although I
am uncomfortable with that? Thanks.

Regards,

Michele (Nampa, ID)

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Hello Michele. Thanks for your excellent e-mail--one that I'm sure
lots of women can relate to.

To address your first question, I haven't personally seen a pattern
of never-married women in their mid-30's *necessarily* getting
fewer dates than their divorced counterparts.

While I can see the point that certain divorced guys may find
divorced women easier to relate to, being divorced certainly tends
to also involve "politics" (e.g. dealing with exes, child custody
battles, financial hardship, etc.) that a woman such as yourself
would be unfettered by.

Men in your social milieu who have never been married themselves

might very well be attracted to that, as would plenty of divorced men

also who are ready for a *break* from drama rather than adding to
it.

Now let's talk about the concept of comparing your dating life to
your friend's dating life.

Ultimately, the type (and quality) of the men you are attracting will
always be more important than the circumstances influencing the
quantity of men you are dating.

And apart from your different relationship histories, you simply
must consider the differences between your dating strategy and
your friend's.

You have made it perfectly clear to guys that you are not interested
in casual sexual relationships. That's your decision, as your friend's
respective decisions in that regard are hers.

Yes, there are plenty of men out there who are looking for a fling.

Amazingly, and perhaps ironically, many of those same men are slso
hoping to meet one great woman at some time in the future, but are
settling for quick flings here and there as they "enjoy the ride" along
the way.

Nowadays, many women actually feel the same way.

And that's their prerogative. What's important is that your choices
as far as how you conduct your dating life are reflections of what
you want.

From there, you should not ever feel compelled to compromise.

Sure, my guess is that if you decided to partake in some casual
sexual excitement of your own, you might have more guys hanging
around...including the one who told you "no thanks" after you
stood your ground on the fourth date.

But even as you feel just a bit envious of your friend because of
her "popularity", bear in mind that she may not be on the road to
meeting a man who will commit to her long-term.

As you suspect, trips to nice restaurants aren't an accurate
indicator of whether a man is "serious" or not.

For example, some guys might spend money on women because
they expect something in return.

On the other hand, when a guy IS serious about a woman he's
generally all about spending time on weekends with her,
notwithstanding a schedule that causes him to work on weekends,
etc.

Stand your ground if what you want is a man who will give you the
kind of respect you deserve as a completely attractive woman on the
inside and out, and who is as focused on finding a great long-term
relationship as you are.

Those men really, truly are out there...even if they aren't exactly
the same ones who are beating your friend's door down.

My final thought for you is this: Is your friend making more of an
effort to meet men than you are? This could be a major factor.

For example, if she is online and you are not, then it's no wonder
she's meeting far more men than you.

Online dating is a bonanza for women. And I'll tell you what, being
exactly 35 is about the perfect age for most every age group of
guys to be wildly interested in you...younger, older and in-between.

Does that surprise you? If so, it's time to give online dating a
try and see for yourself instead of taking my word for it!

Take heart, Michele. Stick to your guns regarding what you want,
take an active role in meeting exactly the kind of man you want, and
you will be a very happy woman sooner than you think!

Have Fun,

Emily McKay

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