[X&Y Emily] Is He Really "Available"? <--This Is A "Must Read" For Every Woman

Published: Sat, 03/02/19


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IN THIS EDITION:  I sure do get a lot of e-mails from women who are
dating men who are...well...not *quite* divorced yet.  Learn how to
"read between the lines" and make high-quality dating decisions.  
It's all about saving YOU from disappointment and heartbreak.

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WHAT TO TALK ABOUT ON A FIRST DATE?


Want to avoid "awkward silences" when meeting a new guy
for the first time?

Of course you do.

But how to you makes sure there's sweet serendipity instead
of a complete lack of chemistry?

Well, having this handy manual of one thousand fun date
conversation starters is like PURE GOLD:



1000 Questions For First Date Chemistry



I highly recommend it.

And what if you're already in a relationship?  Well, how
about an equally handy book of 500 questions to spice
up your relationship (or just have some fun)!



500 Hot Questions For Couples



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IS HE REALLY "AVAILABLE"?

 
Hi Emily,

I met a man whose wife left him and is in the process of being
divorced. We had 6 great dates. We were very attracted to each
other and we had physical relations on some of the dates.

Then one day I freaked out a little cause he hadn't even filed for
divorce yet.

And I told him I couldn't do this any more. So we talked and he
said he just wanted a friend and nothing serious. He's not ready yet.
We still keep in touch thru emails and IM and I let him initiate
most of the time.

My question is did I scare him away?

I still like him very much but I don't want a pen pal I want to get
to know him.

So do I contact him and talk to him about how I feel?


Trina (Scottsdale, AZ)



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Thanks for writing to me, Trina.

I suppose I should have become used to getting e-mails similar to
yours by now.  But in my heart I feel I really never, ever will.

Why so many women allow themselves to get involved with men who
are inherently unavailable to them is beyond me.

Here's the way it is.  And know ahead of time that this isn't going
to be the easiest thing in the world for you to hear.  But I'm
simply the messenger; the truth here really is rather clear.

When a man is "separated" or by any other description NOT divorced
yet, he is a married man. 

What's more, many times you really can drop the "yet" part from
that last statement.

Now, before I get started I fully realize and acknowledge that there
are places where divorces face legally-mandated complications and
therefore drag on for a minimum of years.   That calls for a different
discussion than this one.

Meanwhile, the truth is that here in the United States people who
want to be single again generally get divorced.

Even "Legal Separation", which I realize is a possibility in Arizona
where you live, only serves to defer the dissolution of the marriage...
which signals that reconciliation is seen by the parties as a possibility,
right?

When there is no official divorce record, you are fully dependent
upon someone's word that he or she really has broken up with his or
her partner.

Notice that I wasn't gender-specific there.  Truly both men and
women can experience what you have in situations like this.

If you are dating a man who claims that his marriage is through
but has nothing to prove that with, then the reality is that just
about anything could be going on.  

And almost anything could happen as a result.

Even if you know for a fact that, say, his wife has picked up and
moved to another city to be with some other guy she left him for,
reconciliation is always a possibility--made easier by the lack of
any formal severance to the relationship.

As you've found out, the man you are with was willing to sleep with
you, but never quite got around to getting his divorce filed.

This is a major red flag as I see it.  

If his wife "left him" but no divorce has been filed for, it's
likely that one or both spouses is indeed reserving some hope of
reconciliation.  

The possibility of legal tangles, etc. exists.  But I wouldn't rely on
that explanation.

Besides, the fact that he wasn't forthright in telling you exactly
what his status was portends that he has had good reason to hide it
from you all along.  

Dating a man who is recently divorced brings about enough
challenges with regard to being ready for another serious
relationship so soon.  

But dating a man who isn't even divorced is the very definition
of "complicated".

For all you know, based on the information you've shared, this guy
could be going home and sleeping in the same bed with his wife.

What's really going on is subject to hearsay, and he has already
demonstrated that he's willing to withhold info from you.

Further, when you challenged him on all of this, what happened?
He gave you the "Just Be Friends" talk.  

This is further indication that he was mostly (if not only)
interested in a hot fling, perhaps because he felt he could get
away with it and it was "now or never" given that his separation
from his wife is even factual.

Unfortunately Trina, I'm not sure telling him how you feel is
going to change anything.  

I am, however, pretty sure you didn't exactly "scare him away".  

His status is what it is, and what he wants out of life right now is
also plain to see.  If you are looking for a stable long-term
relationship, that's neither what he is looking for nor READY for.

Why allow yourself to become even more emotionally drawn in by a
man who has no ability to commit to you right now anyway?
 
Based on what you've told me, he has now gone so far as to clearly
state that  he's not interested in that sort of thing anyway...were it
even logistically possible.

That all adds up to danger ahead if you choose to remain involved.

We as women MUST learn that when men tell us they don't want a
commitment or anything serious, they mean it.
 
There are over seven billion people on Earth, and lots of them are men.  

That means you don't have to select a man who is emotionally
unavailable...let alone literally unavailable.

Avoid the drama and the heartbreak and position yourself to meet
men who are ready to meet you...men who know what it means to
build a great relationship on communication and mutual trust along
with the fireworks!



 




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