[X&Y Emily] Is Your Man Not Interested In You...Or Any OTHER Women Either?
Published: Wed, 06/26/19
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Seriously...what if it really isn't you. What
if he's just not into women at all?
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WHAT QUESTIONS DO I ASK HIM?
I'm getting TONS of questions from you all about how to make
conversation with guys on dates, and especially how to make
sure to avoid those painful "awkward silences".
There are always some things you'd REALLY LIKE to find out about
a particular guy you're just getting to know...but you need to
find out exactly HOW to ask.
Well, as fortune would have it there's a great (and
inexpensive) resource book out there that gets rid of that
particular problem FOREVER.
It's basically the ultimate "done for you" dating resource
imaginable:
http://www.emily-recommends.com/1000questions
Thy guy behind all of this is Michael Webb. When it comes to
relationships, this guy knows his stuff.
Since we're friends with Mike he recently also sent us a copy
of his other BRAND NEW book 500 Intimate Questions For Couples.
You can check THAT one out here:
http://www.emily-recommends.com/500questions
That book, like the other I just introduced you to, gives you
a WHOLE BUNCH of great conversations starters.
BUT...this one is geared more toward helping you strengthen
your relationship with a man you've known for quite a while.
(Sounds like a great "sequel" to the other one, right?)
There's a great special offer on right now, but it expires very
soon so don't miss out. You'll just have to see it to believe it...
http://www.emily-recommends.com/500questions
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HE'S NOT INTERESTED--BUT IS HE EVEN INTERESTED
IN WOMEN AT ALL?
Hello there,
I have been reading your emails and want to let you know your are
awesome, you provide us (ladies) with extremely wonderful
information when we need it the most.
My dilemma is that I have been dating this guy for close to eight
months.
I am almost ready to tell him that the only way I'll continue going
out with him is if things are going somewhere and if he is not
seeing someone else because I don't want to waste my precious time.
I don't like that when we are having dinner or at the movies he
keeps answering text messages to I don't know who (this happens
even when he is driving).
He says he really wants to get to know me better but sometimes his
actions tell me different.
When we are waiting for our dinner at a restaurant he transports
himself somewhere else like if he is hypnotized (I feel ignored).
He tends to get easily irritated and something that is starting to
annoy me is that sometimes he stutters which makes it hard to
communicate (but this is only sometimes, its kind of weird).
He is hardly affectionate and hardly hugs me or holds my hand.
The other day we where cuddling at my apartment, I started to kiss
him and he responded but when things were getting a little
passionate he stopped kissing me, closed his eyes and nodded his
head like saying "no".
I felt rejected and confused.
I am confused, I don't really know what he wants.
He gives me mixed signals, the other day he invited me to a family
party at his parents' house, there I met everyone in the family
including grandma.
I believe he might have someone else. Someone that gives him what
I don't (I have not slept with him yet).
It would be nice to know what the heck is going on his head.
Sometimes he tells me he cannot be himself when he is with me (I
try to be as cool as I can but still he thinks the same).
Please, please give me some advice.
Love,
Maureen (Portland, OR)
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Hello Maureen and thanks for writing.
The story you shared is one that I'm sure a lot of women can relate
to.
Simply put, he confuses you. The messages are mixed, and the
forecast for the future is cloudy--at best.
A lot of times I get e-mails from women like you who wonder what
their man is thinking, and want to "get inside his head" a bit to
see what's going on.
The bottom line is this: If you have NO IDEA what he's thinking,
then he probably ISN'T thinking "This woman is the love of my life
and I want to be with her forever".
It's more likely that he's thinking about an EXIT STRATEGY.
Think about it yourself.
After eight months, why shouldn't you know whether or not the two
of you have some sort of future together?
And after so much water under the bridge, shouldn't you at least be
able to spend time with him without having to second-guess what's
going on when he picks up his cell phone?
And surely...if a guy is ATTRACTED to you, wouldn't he at least want
to be affectionate towards you in some way?
But he's not pulling the plug on his own, which could mean he is
more willing to stay in a dead-end relationship than to "hurt your
feelings".
I know, I know...you'd just rather hear the truth if that's the case
instead of having to guess.
Unfortunately, that doesn't change the pandemic fear that some men
have of making women cry. They think they're being "nice", but
they're only postponing the inevitable.
But in this specific case of yours, there are other possibilities
at play that potentially complicate the matter.
For example, based on his reaction to your attempt to escalate
physical interaction with him, he may be very self-conscious about
the concept of having sex...at all.
Some men are ashamed of themselves physically and this literally
paralyzes them.
I realize this in not exactly in line with everything you've ever
heard about men being 'all about sex", but it's a very real
phenomenon for a certain cross section of men.
But my guess, based on his detachment from you elsewhere, is that
this is not really what's going on.
There is actually one other distinct possibility that may sound
preposterous but must not be discounted.
I hope you are sitting down for this.
He may not be into you...or ANY OTHER WOMAN, for that matter.
That's right: Perhaps your man is gay and has not come out of the
closet yet.
Seriously, many times gay men want to give the appearance of
"straightness" and therefore date women.
I have heard of real examples of this from many readers and even
seen this sort of thing happen in relationships people close to me
have had.
The result is invariably heartbreak for women who find themselves
in this position...and it can be humiliating on top of all else.
His lack of desire for physical affection despite the eight-month
relationship, the secrecy of his other interactions, and the subtle
indication that "he cannot be himself with you" all point to the
possibility that this may be exactly what's going on in your case.
The fact that he made it a point to a family party with all of his
relatives there at once only serves to validate my instincts here.
In many ways, the appearance at that party could have been the
entire purpose of his relationship with you, instead of vice-versa.
How's that for a sobering thought?
So to recap, he is either not interested in you and knows not how
to end things, is horribly ashamed sexually, or isn't interested in
ANY women at all.
It's finally time for an honest conversation between you two. I'm
sure if you ask him if he's actually gay you'd get his
attention...whether he is or not.
Ultimately, though, you know what?
I'm not sure getting a resolution to what's going on on his side
will do anything more for you than assuage your curiosity.
What stands out most from your e-mail is that you didn't say ONE
NICE THING about this guy.
That tells me that you already feel you're "settling" if you stay
with him.
My best recommendation is to meet some other guys who inspire you a
lot more than this one.
Have Fun,
Emily McKay
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