[X&Y Emily] Why Do We Stay In A Relationship With The Wrong Guy?
Published: Sat, 06/01/19
IN THIS ISSUE: Have you ever been in a relationship that you knew
just wasn't quite right...but you stuck around anyway?
Why do we do such weird things to ourselves?
Well, as you're about to find out, the answer could be simpler (and
more "normal") than you think!
=====
ARE YOU READY TO MEET MR. RIGHT THIS SUMMER?
When the right guy comes around, once and for all, will YOU be
ready?
That's exactly what Attraction Makeover is all about. Discover how
to be the ultimate you on the inside AND out...all without having to
spend a lot of time getting ready.
I'll even show you how to be completely casual and comfortable
WITHOUT being "frumpy"...and STILL get lots of attention from high
quality guys. It's all right here:
http://www.attraction-makeover.com/subscribers
Plus, you'll get what has to be the most complete explanation
anywhere of how to decode a man's behavior.
I still can't believe Scot explained so many secrets in such fine
detail for us...and I am especially amazed by the round table
discussion he had with five of his friends about what men really
want.
Talk about an "eye opener"! That's exactly the kind of golden
insight you can expect from Attraction Makeover:
http://www.attraction-makeover.com/subscribers
This is the kind of information that all of us as women want, but
few of us will ever really know.
Best of all, even though the entire package (including bonuses) is
only $37, you can get it on "easy purchase" over the next three
months.
Of course, you also have a 365-day guarantee...so all the risk is
mine, not yours.
So I'd definitely recommend checking it out. The timing couldn't
be better.
And now, let's talk about one very key reason why we tend to stay
in the WRONG relationship even though we know we should move
on...
=====
WHY DO WE STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE
WRONG GUY?
Hello Emily,
I started reading your newsletter and I love the advice you give to
people. I was hoping you could give me some as well.
I've gotten myself into a situation that I probably shouldn't have
gotten involved with.
I'm 19 years old and started seeing a guy I used to work with. The
thing is he's 30, I know this is a huge age difference especially
at my age but I had never intended for this to last as long as it
has.
About 3 or 4 months into our relationship I found out he had a son
who had just been born. He told me he hadn't said anything because
he didn't want to complicate things since we weren't that serious.
He also told me he wasn't with the mother and had only been with me
since we'd been together. I decided to continue my relationship
with him.
We've been together for about a year and a half now but I have a
few problems with our relationship.
First I've never met his son, he tells me stories about him and
shows me pictures but I've never actually seen him.
He told me he wanted me to eventually and we were supposed to take
him out for lunch one day but he ended up changing his mind. He
says he is not comfortable with me meeting him yet.
I don't want to bother him about this, it's his son and his
decision but I really would like to feel like I'm more involved in
his life.
He also started working as a bus driver. His shifts start very
early like 3 and 4 in the morning and are long shifts but he
usually get a 3-hour break in the day. Which is when I usually see
him.
He gets two days off during the week but usually takes his son for
those days but sometimes he'll come see me, because of this I never
get to go to his apartment I've only been there 3 times.
I don't drive so its easier for him to come and see me especially
since we see each other mostly on his breaks.
I'm also in university so that limits our time even further. It
bothers me that we never go to his house when he lives alone and I
live with my parents but I don't know how to change this.
I've been worrying lately that he might be seeing other people,
mainly his ex and mother of his child.
Obviously he has to see her and speak to her, so I can't say
anything about it. Since I never go to his apartment I'm worried
that maybe she's there.
I do call his apartment when he's not home to see if any girls
answer and they don't but they used to be engaged so I'm really
paranoid, they were serious but he swears he's not with her.
He's really kind to me when were together and were happy and all
that, but I'm worried that I'm getting myself into a situation I
can't handle.
I know I'm young so I don't know how these kid situations are
suppose to work and I can't talk to anyone about it.
My parents don't know he has a kid and my friends think I'm
foolish, none of their relationships are this complicated.
I really hope you can tell help me, my biggest fear is that I'm
being used or helping him cheat on this woman.
I just figured I try and see if you had an opinion.
Thanks for your time,
Lee Ann (Toronto, CA)
=====
Hello Lee Ann:
First of all, thank you for writing. I'm sure what you are going
through must be very frustrating.
I have to tell you that my first inclination is to believe that
your guy likely is seeing other women, and may in fact be married
to the mother of his baby (assuming the baby in the pictures is
really his).
For starters, the very predictable and regular pattern of his
visits with you--especially in the middle of his work shifts--is a
dead giveaway.
And while I understand he's telling you that he sees his son on all
of his days off, somehow that story doesn't hold together for me.
Have there NEVER been exceptions...even now that over a year has
passed?
Further, he conveniently did not tell you about the baby for the
first few months. Was he seeing you on his days off before his son
was born? Or has it always been the way it is now?
Then, he suggests the possibility of you meeting his son only
to change his mind later.
Has he told you why he is uncomfortable?
Sure, I'll be the first to acknowledge that even small children are
VERY astute when it comes to picking up on social things.
But I'd be hard pressed to believe that a little one who, based on
your timeline, can't be older than 14 months would be even able to
comprehend you being Daddy's girlfriend--especially if the PDA was
kept in check during the meeting.
And there are other questions. First of all, are you SURE that the
number you have is to his apartment?
Are you SURE the apartment you visited was HIS apartment if you've
only been there a few times in a year and a half? And if so, were
given the "tour" or did he keep you only in the main room?
Trust me when I tell you it is NOT standard for a guy not to bother
to bring a woman back to his place all that often during a year and
a half of dating.
All of that said, the most troublesome factor I see is the LACK OF
COMMUNICATION between the two of you.
Based on what you've written, he simply has to know you have
questions. Yet it looks to me like he pretty much prefers to keep
you in the dark.
Otherwise, if there was nothing to hide don't you think he would
rather you be comfortable with him than uncomfortable?
My educated guess is that the man you are with is a master
manipulator. As such, he fully realizes the power of treating you
right when you're actually together.
When you feel good while he's with you and afterward, this
naturally keeps you from asking the hard questions and "spoiling
the moment".
He knows that.
But here's the thing: If you have ALL THESE QUESTIONS and NO
ANSWERS, it's time to learn a life truth.
I realize you're young, but that doesn't mean you can't become wise
beyond your years.
When you have enough evidence to go on, it's perfectly okay to
either demand the answers you truly deserve...or end the relationship.
After all, as you've heard me say a thousand times, there are some
GREAT, HIGH QUALITY MEN OUT THERE. The longer you stay
with someone who is a manipulator, the longer you are keeping
yourself from meeting them!
Instinctively, you probably already realize this. After all,
you've heard your friends' opinions and deep down you know what
your parents would tell you if you mentioned the baby.
So why, then, do we stay in unfavorable relationships even when we
suspect something (or many things) are very, very wrong?
Why do we stay in relationships even when we're frustrated or even
totally unhappy?
Simple...we want answers. We want CLOSURE.
Somehow, sticking around until we KNOW EVERYTHING FOR
SURE is exactly what KEEPS US THERE.
Weird, isn't it?
Actually, it's really a perfectly normal human thought process
called the Zeigarnik Effect.
According to Wikipedia, the Zeigarnik Effect states that "people
remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed
ones".
In other words, if we're "left hanging" in suspense about
something, we're very likely to have a very unsettling feeling
until whatever it is can be resolved.
When a TV show ends with "to be continued", we're peeved...but we're
also way, way more likely to tune in to the next episode!
And that's EXACTLY what's going on in your relationship.
Your guy is depending upon the element of unresolved "mystery" to
keep you around, despite pretty strong evidence that you should
probably end things.
Well, here's what I hope you'll take away from this conversation
above all else: OFTEN IN LIFE YOU'LL NEVER, EVER GET ALL
THE ANSWERS.
Sure, you feel like you don't want to mess something good up if all
of this is in your head. But when the evidence that something
fishy is going on starts to mount, it's time to act.
And now is one of those times where you've got to fight the urge to
resolve your suspense and simply let go.
The ironic part? Once you break up he may just end up giving you
the information you wanted anyway.
Why? Well, because it's also human nature to spill our guts when
there's no longer any reason to keep quiet.
I realize this will be a hard decision, but I'm rooting for you!
Have Fun (for a change!),
Emily McKay
P.S. I know some of you guys out there are reading this.
Everything I've mentioned today is NOT gender specific.
Just like there are great guys AND manipulative ones out there, the
same holds true for women.
Make sure you "deserve what you want", just like Scot says, and
don't for a second settle for a manipulative girlfriend!
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2019. All Rights Reserved.
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications
LLC.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond
and we will kindly remove you from our mailing list.
Plus, you'll get what has to be the most complete explanation
anywhere of how to decode a man's behavior.
I still can't believe Scot explained so many secrets in such fine
detail for us...and I am especially amazed by the round table
discussion he had with five of his friends about what men really
want.
Talk about an "eye opener"! That's exactly the kind of golden
insight you can expect from Attraction Makeover:
http://www.attraction-makeover.com/subscribers
This is the kind of information that all of us as women want, but
few of us will ever really know.
Best of all, even though the entire package (including bonuses) is
only $37, you can get it on "easy purchase" over the next three
months.
Of course, you also have a 365-day guarantee...so all the risk is
mine, not yours.
So I'd definitely recommend checking it out. The timing couldn't
be better.
And now, let's talk about one very key reason why we tend to stay
in the WRONG relationship even though we know we should move
on...
=====
WHY DO WE STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE
WRONG GUY?
Hello Emily,
I started reading your newsletter and I love the advice you give to
people. I was hoping you could give me some as well.
I've gotten myself into a situation that I probably shouldn't have
gotten involved with.
I'm 19 years old and started seeing a guy I used to work with. The
thing is he's 30, I know this is a huge age difference especially
at my age but I had never intended for this to last as long as it
has.
About 3 or 4 months into our relationship I found out he had a son
who had just been born. He told me he hadn't said anything because
he didn't want to complicate things since we weren't that serious.
He also told me he wasn't with the mother and had only been with me
since we'd been together. I decided to continue my relationship
with him.
We've been together for about a year and a half now but I have a
few problems with our relationship.
First I've never met his son, he tells me stories about him and
shows me pictures but I've never actually seen him.
He told me he wanted me to eventually and we were supposed to take
him out for lunch one day but he ended up changing his mind. He
says he is not comfortable with me meeting him yet.
I don't want to bother him about this, it's his son and his
decision but I really would like to feel like I'm more involved in
his life.
He also started working as a bus driver. His shifts start very
early like 3 and 4 in the morning and are long shifts but he
usually get a 3-hour break in the day. Which is when I usually see
him.
He gets two days off during the week but usually takes his son for
those days but sometimes he'll come see me, because of this I never
get to go to his apartment I've only been there 3 times.
I don't drive so its easier for him to come and see me especially
since we see each other mostly on his breaks.
I'm also in university so that limits our time even further. It
bothers me that we never go to his house when he lives alone and I
live with my parents but I don't know how to change this.
I've been worrying lately that he might be seeing other people,
mainly his ex and mother of his child.
Obviously he has to see her and speak to her, so I can't say
anything about it. Since I never go to his apartment I'm worried
that maybe she's there.
I do call his apartment when he's not home to see if any girls
answer and they don't but they used to be engaged so I'm really
paranoid, they were serious but he swears he's not with her.
He's really kind to me when were together and were happy and all
that, but I'm worried that I'm getting myself into a situation I
can't handle.
I know I'm young so I don't know how these kid situations are
suppose to work and I can't talk to anyone about it.
My parents don't know he has a kid and my friends think I'm
foolish, none of their relationships are this complicated.
I really hope you can tell help me, my biggest fear is that I'm
being used or helping him cheat on this woman.
I just figured I try and see if you had an opinion.
Thanks for your time,
Lee Ann (Toronto, CA)
=====
Hello Lee Ann:
First of all, thank you for writing. I'm sure what you are going
through must be very frustrating.
I have to tell you that my first inclination is to believe that
your guy likely is seeing other women, and may in fact be married
to the mother of his baby (assuming the baby in the pictures is
really his).
For starters, the very predictable and regular pattern of his
visits with you--especially in the middle of his work shifts--is a
dead giveaway.
And while I understand he's telling you that he sees his son on all
of his days off, somehow that story doesn't hold together for me.
Have there NEVER been exceptions...even now that over a year has
passed?
Further, he conveniently did not tell you about the baby for the
first few months. Was he seeing you on his days off before his son
was born? Or has it always been the way it is now?
Then, he suggests the possibility of you meeting his son only
to change his mind later.
Has he told you why he is uncomfortable?
Sure, I'll be the first to acknowledge that even small children are
VERY astute when it comes to picking up on social things.
But I'd be hard pressed to believe that a little one who, based on
your timeline, can't be older than 14 months would be even able to
comprehend you being Daddy's girlfriend--especially if the PDA was
kept in check during the meeting.
And there are other questions. First of all, are you SURE that the
number you have is to his apartment?
Are you SURE the apartment you visited was HIS apartment if you've
only been there a few times in a year and a half? And if so, were
given the "tour" or did he keep you only in the main room?
Trust me when I tell you it is NOT standard for a guy not to bother
to bring a woman back to his place all that often during a year and
a half of dating.
All of that said, the most troublesome factor I see is the LACK OF
COMMUNICATION between the two of you.
Based on what you've written, he simply has to know you have
questions. Yet it looks to me like he pretty much prefers to keep
you in the dark.
Otherwise, if there was nothing to hide don't you think he would
rather you be comfortable with him than uncomfortable?
My educated guess is that the man you are with is a master
manipulator. As such, he fully realizes the power of treating you
right when you're actually together.
When you feel good while he's with you and afterward, this
naturally keeps you from asking the hard questions and "spoiling
the moment".
He knows that.
But here's the thing: If you have ALL THESE QUESTIONS and NO
ANSWERS, it's time to learn a life truth.
I realize you're young, but that doesn't mean you can't become wise
beyond your years.
When you have enough evidence to go on, it's perfectly okay to
either demand the answers you truly deserve...or end the relationship.
After all, as you've heard me say a thousand times, there are some
GREAT, HIGH QUALITY MEN OUT THERE. The longer you stay
with someone who is a manipulator, the longer you are keeping
yourself from meeting them!
Instinctively, you probably already realize this. After all,
you've heard your friends' opinions and deep down you know what
your parents would tell you if you mentioned the baby.
So why, then, do we stay in unfavorable relationships even when we
suspect something (or many things) are very, very wrong?
Why do we stay in relationships even when we're frustrated or even
totally unhappy?
Simple...we want answers. We want CLOSURE.
Somehow, sticking around until we KNOW EVERYTHING FOR
SURE is exactly what KEEPS US THERE.
Weird, isn't it?
Actually, it's really a perfectly normal human thought process
called the Zeigarnik Effect.
According to Wikipedia, the Zeigarnik Effect states that "people
remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed
ones".
In other words, if we're "left hanging" in suspense about
something, we're very likely to have a very unsettling feeling
until whatever it is can be resolved.
When a TV show ends with "to be continued", we're peeved...but we're
also way, way more likely to tune in to the next episode!
And that's EXACTLY what's going on in your relationship.
Your guy is depending upon the element of unresolved "mystery" to
keep you around, despite pretty strong evidence that you should
probably end things.
Well, here's what I hope you'll take away from this conversation
above all else: OFTEN IN LIFE YOU'LL NEVER, EVER GET ALL
THE ANSWERS.
Sure, you feel like you don't want to mess something good up if all
of this is in your head. But when the evidence that something
fishy is going on starts to mount, it's time to act.
And now is one of those times where you've got to fight the urge to
resolve your suspense and simply let go.
The ironic part? Once you break up he may just end up giving you
the information you wanted anyway.
Why? Well, because it's also human nature to spill our guts when
there's no longer any reason to keep quiet.
I realize this will be a hard decision, but I'm rooting for you!
Have Fun (for a change!),
Emily McKay
P.S. I know some of you guys out there are reading this.
Everything I've mentioned today is NOT gender specific.
Just like there are great guys AND manipulative ones out there, the
same holds true for women.
Make sure you "deserve what you want", just like Scot says, and
don't for a second settle for a manipulative girlfriend!
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2019. All Rights Reserved.
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications
LLC.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond
and we will kindly remove you from our mailing list.