[X&Y Emily] Why Do We Stick Around In WRONG Relationships?
Published: Fri, 09/20/13
EMILY McKAY'S KEYS TO BLISS NEWSLETTER
=====
IN THIS ISSUE: Have you ever been in a relationship that you knew
just wasn't quite right...but you stuck around anyway?=====
FROM READY TO WALK OUT FOREVER...TO DOWN ON ONE KNEE
I'm going to let you in on something right now that will not
only encourage you, it COULD transform your relationship with
the man of your dreams:
It's about a heart-broken woman who was afraid that the man
she loved more than life itself was ready to walk out the door
forever.
But just in time, she discovered 3 simple "psychological loopholes"
that triggered his emotions in a way that she never even knew was
possible.
As if by magic, he fell head-over-heels in love with her all over
again.
Before she knew it, he became more passionate, romantic, and
devoted than ever before...
THEN...one romantic evening he got down on one knee and presented
her with the most beautiful ring she had ever seen:
Why is this video a "must see"?
Well, by pushing a couple of emotional buttons in any man's mind,
YOU too can activate these "psychological loopholes" and make him
fall for YOU like never before...
=====
WHY DO WE STAY IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE WRONG GUY?
Hello Emily,
I started reading your newsletter and I love the advice you give to
people. I was hoping you could give me some as well.
I've gotten myself into a situation that I probably shouldn't have
gotten involved with.
I'm 19 years old and started seeing a guy I used to work with. The
thing is he's 30.
I know this is a huge age difference especially at my age but I had
never intended for this to last as long as it has.
About 3 or 4 months into our relationship I found out he had a son
who had just been born. He told me he hadn't said anything because
he didn't want to complicate things since we weren't that serious.
He also told me he wasn't with the mother and had only been with me
since we'd been together. I decided to continue my relationship
with him.
We've been together for about a year and a half now but I have a
few problems with our relationship.
First I've never met his son, he tells me stories about him and
shows me pictures but I've never actually seen him.
He told me he wanted me to meet him eventually and we were supposed
to take him out for lunch one day but he ended up changing his mind.
He says he is not comfortable with me meeting him yet.
I don't want to bother him about this, it's his son and his
decision but I really would like to feel like I'm more involved in
his life.
He also started working as a bus driver. His shifts start very
early like 3 and 4 in the morning and are long shifts but he
usually get a 3-hour break in the day.
That's when I usually see him.
He gets two days off during the week but usually takes his son for
those days but sometimes he'll come see me, because of this I never
get to go to his apartment.
I don't drive so its easier for him to come and see me, especially
since we see each other mostly on his breaks.
I'm also in university so that limits our time even further. It
bothers me that we never go to his house when he lives alone and I
live with my parents but I don't know how to change this.
I've been worrying lately that he might be seeing other people,
mainly his ex, the mother of his child.
Obviously he has to see her and speak to her, so I can't say
anything about it. Since I never go to his apartment I'm worried
that maybe she's there.
I do call his apartment when he's not home to see if any girls
answer and they don't but they used to be engaged so I'm really
paranoid. They were serious but he swears he's not with her.
He's really kind to me when were together and were happy and all
that, but I'm worried that I'm getting myself into a situation I
can't handle.
I know I'm young so I don't know how these kid situations are
supposed to work and I can't talk to anyone about it.
My parents don't know he has a kid and my friends think I'm
foolish. None of their relationships are this complicated.
I really hope you can tell help me. My biggest fear is that I'm
being used or helping him cheat on this woman.
I just figured I try and see if you had an opinion.
Thanks for your time
Lee Ann (Toronto, CA)
=====
Hello Lee Ann:
First of all, thank you for writing. I'm sure what you are going
through must be very frustrating.
I have to tell you that my first inclination is to believe that
your guy likely is seeing other women, and may in fact be married
to the mother of his baby (assuming the baby in the pictures is
really his).
For starters, the very predictable and regular pattern of his
visits with you--especially in the middle of his work shifts--is a
dead giveaway.
And while I understand he's telling you that he sees his son on
most of his days off, I'm still amazed that he's never once
invited you to his place over the course of a year and a half.
Have there NEVER been exceptions? He's got to be hiding SOMETHING,
and I doubt it's that he hasn't done the dishes for eighteen
months.
Further, he conveniently did not tell you about the baby for the
first few months. Was he seeing you on his days off before his son
was born? Or has it always been the way it is now?
Then, he suggests the possibility of you meeting his son only to
change his mind later.
Has he offered any explanation as to why he is uncomfortable?
Sure, I'll be the first to acknowledge that even small children are
VERY astute when it comes to picking up on social things.
But I'd be hard pressed to believe that a little one who, based on
your timeline, can't be older than 14 months would be even able to
comprehend you being Daddy's girlfriend--especially if the PDA was
kept in check during the meeting.
And there are other questions. First of all, are you SURE that the
number you have is to his apartment?
Believe me when I tell you it is NOT standard for a guy not to bother
to bring a woman back to his place all that often during a year and
a half of dating.
All of that said, the most troublesome factor I see is the LACK OF
COMMUNICATION between the two of you.
Based on what you've written, he simply has to know you have
questions. Yet it looks to me like he pretty much prefers to keep
you in the dark.
Otherwise, if there was nothing to hide don't you think he would
rather you be comfortable with him than uncomfortable?
Given ALL of the evidence at hand, my educated guess is that the
man you are with is a master manipulator.
As such, he fully realizes the power of treating you right when
you're actually together.
When you feel good while he's with you and afterward, this
naturally keeps you from asking the hard questions and "spoiling
the moment".
He knows that and exploits it.
But here's the thing: If you have ALL THESE QUESTIONS and NO
ANSWERS, it's time to learn a life truth.
I realize you're young, but that doesn't mean you can't become wise
beyond your years.
When you have enough evidence to go on, it's perfectly okay to
either demand the answers you truly deserve or else end the
relationship.
After all, as you've heard me say a thousand times, there are some
TERRIFIC HIGH QUALITY MEN OUT THERE. The longer you stay with
someone who is a manipulator, the longer you are keeping yourself
from meeting them!
Instinctively, you probably already realize this. After all,
you've heard your friends' opinions and deep down you know what
your parents would tell you if you mentioned the baby.
So why, then, do we stay in unfavorable relationships even when we
suspect something (or many things) are very, very wrong?
Why do we stay in relationships even when we're frustrated or even
totally unhappy?
Simple...we want answers. We want CLOSURE.
Somehow, sticking around until we KNOW EVERYTHING FOR SURE is
exactly what KEEPS US THERE.
Weird, isn't it?
Actually, it's really a perfectly normal human thought process
called the Zeigarnik Effect.
According to Wikipedia, the Zeigarnik Effect states that "people
remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed
ones".
In other words, if we're "left hanging" in suspense about
something, we're very likely to have a very unsettling feeling
until whatever it is can be resolved.
When a TV show ends with "to be continued", we're peeved...but we're
also way, way more likely to tune in to the next episode!
And that's EXACTLY what's going on in your relationship.
Your guy is depending upon the element of unresolved "mystery" to
keep you around, despite pretty strong evidence that you should
probably end things.
Well, here's what I hope you'll take away from this conversation
above all else: OFTEN IN LIFE YOU'LL NEVER, EVER GET ALL THE
ANSWERS.
Sure, you feel like you don't want to mess something good up if all
of this is in your head. But when the indications that something
fishy is going on start to mount, it's time to act.
And now is one of those times where you've got to fight the urge to
resolve your suspense and simply let go.
The ironic part? Once you break up he may just end up giving you
the information you wanted anyway.
Why? Well, because it's also human nature to spill our guts when
there's no longer any reason to keep quiet.
I realize this will be a hard decision, but I'm rooting for you!
Have Fun (for a change!),
Emily McKay
P.S. I know some of you guys out there are reading this.
Everything I've mentioned today is NOT gender specific.
Just like there are great guys AND manipulative ones out there, the
same holds true for women.
Make sure you "deserve what you want", just like Scot says, and
don't for a second settle for a manipulative girlfriend!
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2013. All Rights Reserved.
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications
LLC. It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please use the
unsubscribe link below and we will kindly remove you from our
mailing list.