[X&Y EMILY] Are You In An Exclusive Relationship...Or A Harem?
Published: Mon, 08/27/07
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BACK TO SCHOOL: This morning is my son David's first day of middle
school. He's really excited, and that got me to thinking. Shouldn't
we ALL stay excited about learning new stuff all through our lives?
If you've got the "back to school" spirit, why not take the time to
learn how to have a wildly successful dating life...starting now?
I'll even help give you the motivation you need by giving you a full
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that if you'd like. That's my gift.
And now, on to today's topic...
ARE YOU IN AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP...OR A HAREM?
Relationships can be so confusing sometimes, especially when
communication is not at its best. It's easy to automatically think
that the other person feels the same way we do. The fear that we
may be wrong prevents us from talking about it. So many people
believe they are in an exclusive relationship when the other person
just sees him or her as one of many available options. There are
at least 5 very easy ways to avoid confusion as to where you stand:
1. You and a man you are seeing should have a talk about your
feelings about each other and about how you two feel about seeing
other people. If he does not want to share you with other men, he
will make sure you know this. But make sure he will reciprocate.
Sometimes a man is capable of building a harem with women who are
faithful to him while he still allows himself all the ladies he
wants. If he wants a harem then you are free to date whoever you
want. Just remember the two of you are no more than friends with
benefits.
Last night Scot and I went out to a live music dance club. This
place is special to me because it is where he made me more than
just a friend. Scot let me know his intentions to be good to me
and protect my heart. He asked me to be his girlfriend--for us to
be in an exclusive relationship with each other. This was made
very clear without doubts.
Remember: If you have to ask then you are not exclusive.
2. If a man is focusing on you alone, he will want to see you as
often as he can in a week--especially if you live in the same city
and work allows free time. Seeing each other at least three times
a week portends this fairly accurately. Men and women only have so
many days out of the week to go out on dates. Are those times
spent with you or are they shared with a list of other women? If
you only see him every other week, then most likely you're not the
only one he is seeing.
3. A man who is interested only in you looks forward to making
plans for weekends with you, and may be planning trips for the two
of you to go on. While it's true he may be spontaneous and call
you at the last minute to join him for an outing, a good sign that
he has a harem is that he always waits until the last minute to ask
you out. This usually happens because he's not so sure if the one
he asked as his first choice will show up. Maybe she even
canceled on him. Don't confuse this with spontaneity. I'm not
talking about a surprise or a gift; I'm talking about if the "last
minute notice" is a habit. He is waiting to see if someone better
to go out with will be available, as being pinned down to plans
does not leave him options. Think about this if he calls you
Friday at 6:00 to invite you to a concert for that day, and he had
the tickets for 3 months. Why would he not give you more notice?
Because the person he planned to take flaked out on him, that's
why. If you did not know about it at all then it absolutely was a
girl who flaked out not one of the guys.
4. As his exclusive girlfriend if you need to reach him for
something important, he is ok with you calling him at home or on
his cell phone any time of the day or night. But if you are part
of a harem, there are rules like not calling at night or on his
home phone. Also you always seem to get voice mail, having to wait
for when it is convenient for him to call you and talk. If he
leaves on a trip and will not talk to you while he is gone, then
this is a red flag that he has at least one other girlfriend or
maybe even a wife.
5. The famous words of a harem builder is "I would love to settle
down when the right women comes along". This statement is used to
pose a challenge to you, which will make you feel that you have to
prove that you are the right woman and that if you stick around he
will figure that out eventually. After you have been dating for a
few months things should be moving forward, in an exclusive
relationship. Not that you have a ring on your finger yet, but
that you have conversations about the future together, kids, and
getting to know one another. This also needs to be demonstrated
with actions, not just words. An example would be going from
seeing you once a week in the start of a relationship to increasing
it over time to 2, 3, or 4 times a week.
If a relationship you are in has been on for a while but is the
same as day one, it's time to consider what we've talked about
today as a very possible reason why.
Have fun,
Emily
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