[X&Y EMILY] A Good Man Or A Child?
Published: Fri, 08/31/07
MESSAGE BOARD: www.keystobliss.com/forum
(http://www.keystobliss.com/forum)
www.dating-advise.us (http://www.dating-advise.us)
www.datetoorder.com (http://www.datetoorder.com)
www.dating-resources.net (http://www.dating-resources.net)
____________________________________________________________________
E-MAIL FROM A READER: A GOOD MAN OR A CHILD?
Here is a great letter I received a few days ago. The title of her
e-mail kind of set me up to expect something different, but you'll
see below what she's really talking about...
=====
Hi Emily,
I want to start by saying I love what X & Y Communications is
doing. I also have a dilemma i am facing lately.
I met this man a few months ago. We were attracted to each other
immediately and hit it off. Soon after we met during a
conversation it was revealed that he has a vasectomy. He already
has two children....15 and 10. They live about 3 hours away with
the mom and he has them every other weekend. He is 42 yrs old. Is
a teacher and lives on a boat.
Problem is, i don't have kids and I would like to have 1. I am 37
yrs old. Once I told him this, he commented that for the right
woman, he would reverse the vasectomy. He said that other woman
have also approached him with this issue.
Soon after that discussion, he told me he doesn't want to pursue a
relationship with me. He said he doesn't feel a connection as a
life partner with me. He says he loves my personality, my energy,
my warmth, my sense of humor. He says I have everything a man
could want. So it makes me wonder if he isnt pursuing me because
of the fact that I want to have a child. Perhaps after much
thought, he really wouldn't reverse a vasectomy. This man has been
divorced for 10 years and has never remarried. And has told me of
many women who have left him and gone on to marry other men. I
suspect that the issue of not being able to have kids has cost him
several relationships. And perhaps he really doesn't want anymore
but at the moment it comes up he says yes he does.
He invites me out in a group setting sometimes and we remain
somewhat friends. we have had sex a couple of times. i guess we
are friends with benefits. and i hate being in this position.
I am 37 and starting to wonder of i should give up waiting for a
man who wants a family and just go for a good man even though he
may not want kids or cant have them. But i fear regretting not
holding out as long as i can. I have given myself until next year
to have a family. If i am not in a committed relationship which is
heading toward marriage by the time I am 38, i figure kids wont
happen for me. I really don't want to have them past 40.
Meeting this man has made me consider doing it now. But I keep
wondering if in the next year I may meet the one. What are the
chances, right? I know that with him there is no chance, and i
accept that. But i don't want to lose a potential life mate
because of one year. What' s another 12 months, right?
Thanks,
A.B.
Hello A.B.,
I'm glad you wrote me. Many women are facing this issue of wanting
kids and feeling like the time line is short.
Your feelings on this matter is correct. You will most likely
resent settling for someone who will not give you children and
waiting a little while longer can make all the difference in the
world when it comes to happiness.
According to statistics I found through a brief bit of research on
Google, about a half a million men choose a vasectomy every year
and about 30,000 attempt a reversal. That's only 6% of men who
change their minds about kids. Men don't make the decision to get
vasectomies on a whim. After much thought and 2 weeks of suffering
through the recovery, it's not something a man takes lightly.
Something to remember--even if we meet someone who is sincere about
a reversal it is not fool proof. The pregnancy success rate after
reversal is between 30-64% depending on how long it has been since
the vasectomy took place and the technique use to reverse it, among
other factors. Not the best of odds. Plus it's very expensive.
I believe the man you met a few months ago was sincere about never
having any more kids. His kids are 10 and 15 years old and he has
been divorced for 10 years. This means he was not willing to stick
around to raise another child. Even though he sees his kids every
other weekend now, at this age they are relatively easy to take
care of. The diapers, spitting up and sleepless nights are over.
Let's to the math here. He left his wife about the time she was
pregnant or just after the last child was born because he did not
then and still does not want to raise kids. Is this the kind of so
called "good man" you want in your life? A good man will stick
around through the good and bad times.
He is right that there is not a connection as a life partner with
you because he will not have more kids. It has nothing to do with
your personality, energy, or your warmth. Simply put, he does not
want kids no matter who he meets. That's his choice not to have
more kids, but it's wrong for him to lead you on by saying that he
might change his mind. It's a great way to keep you around for
SEX. I'm sorry to say that's what he wants from you. You are in
this position because you choose to remain in it.
If you want to find a great man who wants to find a great life
partner like you and have his kids with you, then you need to end
this dead-end relationship and go out there and find your happiness.
You said that you don't want to have kids when you get to be 40.
That means you have 3 years to find your man. Which is plenty of
time to find a blissful relationship in which both of you want to
start a family. It's worth the wait. After you turn 40 another
thing to remember is that you and your new love could adopt. If
kids are what you want, then don't settle for less. Meeting a man
who is your match is possible.
I wish you the best.
Have fun,
Emily
=====
ONLINE DATING SUCCESS PACKAGE: How is online dating going for you?
Do you feel you should be more successful at it than you are? No
worries...hop on over to http://www.datetoorder.com
(www.datetoorder.com) where we've just begun a special on our
Online Dating Success Package. For about what others charge for a
simple "profile rewrite", we give you personal 1-on-1 training on
every aspect of how to succeed online. Scot and I met online, and
we both had our fair share of Match.com aquaintances at the time we
did. So we know how to make online dating work for you!
WHICH REMINDS ME: The Online Dating Profile Rating podcast is now
brought to you by EliteMate. Find out more about EliteMate at
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/elitemate, and tune in to the
podcast at http://www.xandycommunications.net/main/odpr.htm .
NEW PODCAST--"DATINGCAST": Some of you had asked about the
possibility of a shorter podcast with a faster, smaller download
size. Your questions have been answered. The obviously-named
"DatingCast" is already here. You can get the first three
episodes RIGHT NOW on iTunes or at:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/datingcast. And yeah, we really can't
believe the name hadn't been taken yet either...but it has now. By
the way, the content of the series is based on the "Rapid Fire"
audio program that comes as a bonus with every e-book. So if you
like what you hear, you know how to get "instant gratification" as
far as upcoming episodes go. Very cool!
TEN-PLUS IS A REAL PLAN OF ACTION: Scot and I once again have
exactly
one more open spot available. Ten-Plus is a guided, structured plan
of action for your dating success. If you are serious about getting
your skills with the opposite sex handled, visit
http://www.dating-coaches.com (www.dating-coaches.com). Life is too
short to miss out on a wildly successful dating life, and Ten-Plus
is the fast-track. Email me at emily@datetoorder.com for more
info. Your first fifteen minute consultation is free--decide for
yourself. And...we are still the only ones who stands behind a
coaching program with a 100% guarantee.
DO YOU HAVE A DATING ADVICE WEBSITE OF YOUR OWN: If so, why not
check out our affiliate program? Find out more at
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/affiliates
(www.deservewhatyouwant.com/affiliates)
PODCAST PHONE NUMBERS TO LISTEN IN ON: If you'd like, you can CALL
for the latest episode of our podcasts. This is WAY TOO cool!
X & Y On The Fly
289-466-5002
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly
Online Dating Profile Rating
305-890-1549
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating
Did a friend forward you this message? To receive this free
newsletter on 21st century dating issues from X & Y Communications
on a regular basis, simply go to http://www.keystobliss.com and
sign up. Or, just email emily@aweber.com. Easy
stuff.
Questions? Ideas? Comments? Send to
emily@datetoorder.com. Your feedback is welcome. If
you like what you read, please feel free to forward the newsletter
to others. That's how we build our audience!
X & Y Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled
participant in the dating world you can be, at whatever stage of
life you are in. It's all about straight talk about the most
creative subjects, somehow encompassing character-based principles
while being neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important
things head on. The basic stuff you've heard a million times isn't
rehashed around here. Enjoy!
Please also note that the information in this newsletter is for
entertainment purposes only and is not intended to constitute
professional advice.
(c) X & Y Communications, 2007. All Rights Reserved.
Pin Yourself (with a picture and a comment, por favor):
www.frappr.com/xandy (http://www.frappr.com/xandy)
Be My Friend:
www.myspace.com/emilysmckay (http://www.myspace.com/emilysmckay)
Discussion Forum:
www.keystobliss.com/forum
(http://www.keystobliss.com/forum)
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond
and we will kindly remove you from our mailing list.
Our records indicate that at requested information
by e-mail from our company at
Date:
IP: