[X&Y Emily] Dating A Man Who's "Separated"
Published: Fri, 04/18/08
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DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT (WOMEN'S VERSION):
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/women
CLICK WITH HIM:
http://www.clickwithhim.com/online_dating
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IN THIS EDITION: I sure do get a lot of e-mails from women who are
dating men who are...well...not *quite* divorced yet. Learn how to
"read between the lines" and make high-quality decisions in your
life! It's all about saving YOU from disappointment and heartbreak.
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"SEPARATION ANXIETY"
Hi Emily,
I met a man whose wife left him and is in the process of being
divorced. We had 6 great dates. We were very attracted to each
other and we had physical relations on some of the dates.
Then one day I freaked out a little cause he hadn't even filed for
divorce yet (he has now).
And I told him I couldn't do this any more. So we talked and he
said he just wanted a friend and nothing serious. He's not ready yet.
We still keep in touch thru emails and IM and I let him initiate
most of the time.
My question is did I scare him away?
I still like him very much but I don't want a pen pal I want to get
to know him.
So do I contact him and talk to him about how I feel?
Trina (Scottsdale, AZ)
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Thanks for writing to me, Trina.
I suppose I should have become used to getting e-mails similar to
yours by now. But in my heart I feel I really never, ever will.
Why soooo many women allow themselves to get involved with men who
are inherently unavailable to them is beyond me.
Here's the way it is. And know ahead of time that this isn't going
to be the easiest thing in the world for you to hear. But I'm
simply the messenger--the truth here really is rather clear.
When a man is "separated" or by any other description NOT divorced
yet, he is A MARRIED MAN.
What's more, many times you really can drop the "yet" part from
that last statement.
When there is no official divorce record, you are fully dependent
upon someone's word that he or she really has broken up with his or
her partner.
Notice that I wasn't gender-specific there. Truly both men and
women can experience what you're seeing in this situation.
But if you are dating a man who claims that his marriage is
through, but has nothing to prove that with, then the reality is
that just about anything could be going on. And almost anything
could happen as a result.
Even if you know for a fact that his wife has picked up and moved
to another city to be with some other guy she left him for,
reconciliation is always a possibility--made easy by the lack of any
formal severance to the relationship.
As you've found out, the man you are with was willing to sleep with
you, but never quite got around to getting his divorce filed.
This is a major red flag as I see it.
If his wife "left him", but no divorce has been filed for, it's
likely that one or both spouses is indeed reserving some hope of
reconciliation.
The possibility of legal tangles, etc. exists...but I wouldn't rely on
that explanation.
Besides, the fact that he wasn't forthright in telling you EXACTLY
what his status was portends that he has had good reason to hide it
from you all along.
Dating a man who is recently divorced brings about enough
challenges with regard to being "ready" for another serious
relationship so soon.
And dating a man who isn't *even* divorced is the very definition of
"complicated".
For all you know, based on the information you've shared, this guy
could be going home and sleeping in the same bed with his wife.
What's really going on is subject to hearsay, and he has already
demonstrated that he's willing to withhold info from you.
Further, when you challenged him on all of this, what happened? He
gave you the "Just Be Friends" talk.
This is further indication that he was interested in a hot fling,
perhaps because he felt he could get away with it and it was "now or
never" given that his separation from his wife is even factual.
Unfortunately Trina, I'm not sure "how you feel" is going to change
anything.
I am, however, pretty sure you didn't exactly "scare him away".
His status is what it is, and what he wants out of life right now is
also plain to see. If you are looking for something stable for the
long-term that neither what he is looking for nor READY for.
Why allow yourself to become even more emotionally drawn in by a
man who has no ability to commit to you right now anyway? From the
looks of things, he has now gone so far as to clearly state that he's
not interested in that sort of thing anyway...were it even logistically
possible.
That all adds up to danger ahead if you choose to remain involved.
We as women MUST learn that when men tell us they don't want a
commitment or anything serious, they mean it.
There are over six billion people on Earth, and lots of them are men.
Must you really select a man who is not only emotionally unavailable
but LITERALLY unavailable?
Avoid the drama and the heartbreak and position yourself to meet
men who are ready to meet you...and who know what it means to build a
great relationship on communication and mutual trust ALONG WITH the
fireworks!
Have Fun,
Emily
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Does any part or Trina's predicament sound familiar to you?
Let me tell you...it's time for women everywhere to JUST SAY NO to
empty promises and unlikely hopes.
Is it romantic and fun to believe in fairy tales? Of COURSE it is.
And allow me to be the first to encourage you in finding your very
own Prince Charming.
Keep in mind, however, what the plain facts are: 1) In order to
"live happily ever after" you have to have the RIGHT man in your
life, and 2) you've just GOT to have a clear sense of what you
want from a man and how to make it happen.
I can't think of a better way to get on the right track to having a
blissful relationship with a great man than to read the Women's
Edition of Scot's book Deserve What You Want.
In it, you'll discover how to put aside all the obstacles of the
past, how to know what you want in a man, how to get yourself ready
to meet him (it's not hard--I promise) and YES...how to meet him!
You're going to absolutely love Scot's transparent and friendly
writing style. He talks about real truth with a compassion that I
still find amazing.
He and I both have had to recover from devastating heartbreak in
order to get to where we were ready to meet each other and live the
happy life we do now.
And I know he shares my passion for helping you rise from the ashes
of disappointment and heartache and find REAL happiness.
Find out more here:
http://www.dating-advise.us/women
Guess what? I asked Scot to add some special bonuses just for the
women's version of Deserve What You Want. And he has really
outdone himself.
Read about those and be sure to read how other women from all walks
of life and from all over the world have seen their lives transformed
after reading the book:
http://www.dating-advise.us/women
When you get your very own copy of Deserve What You Want, remember
that I'm also willing to share a free month of Keys To Bliss For
Women as part of the package. This month's is on "Phone Calls And
Texting" which I know can be a major "sticking point", can't it?
Take care, and I'll type atcha again really soon!
Have Fun,
Emily McKay
P.S. Remember to keep writing me. Tell me what you'd like to hear
me write about or what you'd like Scot and I to talk about on the X
& Y On The Fly podcast. We've already received some GREAT IDEAS,
so keep them coming!
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