[X&Y Emily] How To Tell Him You're No Longer Interested
Published: Fri, 03/20/09
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IN THIS ISSUE: What if you've started talking to (or even dating)
a guy, but now are thinking "maybe not"? What's the best way to
proceed?
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WHY NOT PUT US TO WORK FOR YOU?
Are you ready to go from GOOD to GREAT when it comes to
relationships with guys?
But do you also suspect that your situation is a little
more unique than what most women may face?
Well, it's time to stop waiting and start LIVING.
Scot and I are available to give you the personalized
attention you deserve though 1-on-1 coaching.
You can talk to us on the phone or even visit with us
live and in person.
Find out more here:
http://www.dating-coaches.com/
...and then contact me directly at emily@clickwithhim.com
to talk about exactly what you have in mind.
And now, here's what to do when you find yourself talking
to a guy you're suddenly no longer interested in....
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HOW TO TELL HIM YOU'RE NO LONGER INTERESTED
Here's something that has happened to just about every one of
us as women.
We start talking to a man we're initially excited about getting
to know better, only to end up thinking "I don't think so"
sooner than later.
Unfortunately, if you're just getting started with online dating
in particular, this can happen more often than not...at least
until you've got a bit more practice at screening guys to
potentially meet.
So what's a woman to do in these situations? Most of us are
inherently nice, friendly people. We don't want to hurt a guy's
feelings.
And that's what makes doing the right thing all the more
difficult.
The "right thing", of course, is being truthful. You've simply
got to tell the guy you really aren't romantically interested.
How exactly to do this is dependent on several factors.
First, have you simply talked on the phone or have you met face-
to-face?
If you've only talked on the phone, it's okay to let him know you
are no longer interested via phone.
Have the two of you only traded a couple of e-mails? Your first
thought may be just to ignore him. But the woman of high
character will opt to send an email providing necessary closure.
Why is this necessary? Well first of all, it's just common
courtesy. Remember how you felt the last time a man left you
hanging after he told you he'd call you?
But this also gives the man a clear indication that it's time to
stop contacting you.
Thankfully, most guys will get the message. That way the
"stalker factor" goes way down. Without any clear direction
from you, a guy may optimistically continue to try contact you
in vain.
Is that what you really want?
Didn't think so!
Along the same lines, if you've actually taken the step to meet
a guy in person, my guess is that you'll know even while you're
on the date that you don't have any romantic intentions after
all.
Though I realize it sounds intimidating, you should let the man
know what's on your mind at the end of the date rather than
letting the news wait until some future phone call or e-mail.
This goes double for when you're talking about someone you'll be
seeing again in social circles or (God forbid) at work.
If you "wimp out" from telling him right then and there, all it
does is create a "false hope" that he can continue calling or
e-mailing you in the future.
And when you DO tell him you're not interested in that context
later, he's going to be left wondering what could have possibly
happened between the last date and that phone call or e-mail!
So now that you know the context to share the news in, here's
the all-important question: What do you ACTUALLY SAY?
Well, I'm sure that you're familiar with the "Let's Just Be
Friends" strategy. Women have been using it for YEARS.
You know--that's where you tell a man you aren't romantically
interested in that it's better if you "just be friends".
While that's certainly a common "escape" strategy, there are
two MAJOR problems with it.
First of all, in those situations we're usually more
interested in CUTTING OFF contact with the guy than "being
friends".
So unless you REALLY WANT to be "friends" with him, saying so
is not exactly truthful.
Second, and this is might be a shocker, according to Scot
most guys who get the "LJBF Talk" from women tend to hear it
A LOT.
Believe it or not, Scot says because of that just about every
guy out there would rather you level the honest truth...albeit
in a respectful way that doesn't shatter the guy's self-esteem.
As such, it's best to say some part or iteration of the
following:
"I'm sure you are a terrific person, but you and I are simply
not a match. There is someone out there who is going to
appreciate you much more than I ever could. I wish you well
on your search."
Those words, when spoken in a kind and genuine manner, convey
that you value the guy's worth as a fellow human being--while
offering acknowledgment that other women might find him
attractive.
And at the same time, it CLEARLY PROJECTS that you ARE NOT the
right woman for him.
If you are meeting a guy casually and quickly for coffee,
you might simply wish him the best on his search at the end
of the meeting and the guy will likely get the message.
But when you feel he may indeed be attracted to you when you
aren't reciprocating that energy? That's when to express the
"full version" as offered above.
Now...that doesn't seem so hard after all, does it?
It's certainly better than the dreaded "LJBF Talk".
It's also more effective than saying, "It's not you...it's
me." Admit it...you don't believe that when a guy says it to
you, either.
And by all means, it's WAY better than "mercy dating" because
we don't know how to tell the guy we aren't interested!
By the way, try the ideas I've shared with you even when
someone you interact with socially appears to be wanting more
than just a platonic relationship. It's a lot better than simply
saying, "No thank you" or falsely claming that you "have a
boyfriend".
Now, if on occasion you find a guy doesn't really "get the
hint", you'll have to be more direct. But you can still
do so without being rude or insulting him.
Try saying, "I'm going to have to ask you please not to
contact me anymore. It's time for you to move on to someone
else."
One final thought. If you EVER feel your personal security
and/or respect is being compromised by a creepy or aggressive
guy, FEEL FREE to end the interaction RIGHT THEN and THERE.
In those cases, you do not owe the guy any elaborate
explanation or special courtesies.
If you are on the phone, simply announce that the conversation
is over and you are hanging up.
If in person, tell him the date is over, that he should not
expect to contact you anymore, and leave.
Now, having shared all of that with you I have to tell you
something.
The BEST way to AVOID having to have "the talk" with Mr. Wrong
again and again is to STOP interacting with guys who are going
to disappoint you and START attracting the RIGHT ONES.
You know, we're talking about the guys you REALLY DREAM OF
MEETING. No more "kissing frogs".
What if you could MAXIMIZE your chances of meeting HIGH
QUALITY men, and do so in MINIMAL time?
And what if you became an ABSOLUTE EXPERT at screening out
the WRONG men from the BEGINNING?
The difference in your dating life when you are NOT wasting
time on the WRONG guys can be the difference between ENJOYING
your dating life and, well...the OPPOSITE.
That's exactly why I created Click With Him:
http://www.clickwithhim.com/online_dating
In Click With Him you'll only discover ways to meet the
greatest man you've ever known ONLINE OR OFFLINE, I'll show
you how to make sure he wants to STAY WITH YOU.
Best of all? You'll get a 30-DAY PLAN on how to make it ALL
A REALITY for you.
SPRING has SPRUNG, ladies. Love is in the air!
Are you going to let romance pass you by AGAIN this year?
I don't want to see you miss out. Here's that link again:
http://www.clickwithhim.com/online_dating
As always, I appreciate you so very much...and I'll write to
you again soon!
Have Fun,
Emily McKay
P.S. TOMORROW Scot and I are going to be my new friend Julie
Spira's guests on her fun radio show called "Ask The Cyber-Dating
Expert".
This was supposed to happen last month, you may recall, but we ran
into some last minute technical difficulties...
It's LIVE on BlogTalk Radio TOMORROW (Saturday, 3/21) at 2p EST
(GMT-5) / 11a PST. You can listen in right over the Internet.
Here are all the details:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Cyber-Dating-Expert
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X & Y Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled
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