[X&Y] Should You Tell Current Girlfriends About Past Mistakes?

Published: Sun, 01/09/22

We've all got "skeletons in our closet", don't we? How do you tell the woman you're seeing about them? ...Or should you at all?

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WHAT'S INSIDE:  We've all got "skeletons in our closet", don't we?
How do you tell the woman you're seeing about them? ...Or should
you at all?

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SHOULD YOU TELL CURRENT GIRLFRIENDS ABOUT PAST
MISTAKES?


Somewhere there's a dark corner of your past that you'd prefer
nobody found out about.  You'd love to keep it secret from just
about everyone you know.

Maybe even forget about it yourself, as if it never even happened.

Under normal, day-to-day circumstances we typically find it pretty
easy to keep our mouths shut. 

We don't go volunteering information about our prison record
and/or our former heroin addiction to hiring managers during job
interviews, do we?  We simply hope that a background check isn't
part of the hiring process.

But oddly, it seems like a switch gets flipped on inside of us when
we find ourselves attracted to a woman who actually likes us as
much as we like her.

We suddenly come down with a smokin' case of "diarrhea of the
mouth". 

Sounds gross, doesn't it?  Well the reality is even uglier than the
mental picture.

Simply stated, there's something about meeting a woman we're
crazy about that makes us want to bare our soul early and often,
blurting out stuff that she has no business hearing about just yet.

What in the world is up with that?

I once coached a guy whose girlfriend had just tested positive for
HIV.  They had been having lots of unprotected sex of the riskiest
possible kind, so he was understandably freaked out.

He tested negative, and then waited out the excruciatingly long six
months to find out whether or not he was still in the clear.

Indeed, there continued to be good news.  Even after nine months
the tests still returned nothing.

The doctors informed him that he was completely out of the woods.
There was zero chance medically that he had been infected by his
erstwhile (e.g. now ex-) girlfriend.

So he came to me, not with a question but with a statement.  "Don't
worry, Scot.  I'll be sure to man-up and tell every woman I ever
date from now on what happened.  I'm sure they'd want to know up
front."

My response was direct and immediate.  "On behalf of every woman
you ever date, I'd really encourage you NOT to do that."

He was utterly nonplussed by what I had just said.

But looking at it from a third-party perspective, I can't for the life of
me see why any human being--man or woman--would want that
bomb dropped on them...particularly when there's no good reason for
it other than to freak them the heck out.

"There's ZERO chance you've been infected by your ex-girlfriend", I
said, "so why burden your next girlfriend with so much as the URGE
to second-guess the medical profession?  All you'd be doing is
confronting her with potential worry over something there's no
logical, scientific reason to be concerned about."

Relieved, he saw where I was coming from and proceeded
accordingly.

Other guys I've talked to have felt compelled to talk about old
strip club habits, medical conditions they've recovered from, and
getting beaten up by the school bully in 7th grade.

Obviously, it almost never ends well.  There's seldom a joyful
response from a woman to the effect of, "Really?  You used to get
beaten up by bullies?  Well, so did I...so I've finally met a man who
understands me!"

Awkward.

So what's a guy to do?

Well, let's get down to brass tacks, as we say here in Texas.  If
you are indeed the type of guy who feels compelled to "fess up"
to every peccadillo from your past to women you as yet barely
know, it's probably all due to the raging sense of guilt.

Don't get me wrong, here.  If you currently have stuff going on
in your life that you honestly believe would disqualify you from
deserving what you want, then do what it takes to rid yourself of
those burdens.

Meanwhile, if you feel the urge to lie about anything happening in
your life, resist it.  If and when the subject comes up, you'll need
to come clean.

For example, if you're currently "between jobs" or are a "closet
smoker", you've got to own it. 

Next, if there are past mistakes you've survived and bad habits
you've already broken, it's time to buckle down and forgive
yourself.  You are NOT that guy anymore, so it makes no sense
to keep introducing him to women when you first meet them.

Now, I'm not going to assert a foolishly naive viewpoint here.  I
fully get that if and when you begin to see yourself in a long-term
exclusive relationship with a woman there are things she might
need to know.  

I'm hardly recommending that you become "Don Draper, Jr." here
and hide preposterous facts from a woman that could potentially
affect her life someday.

She'll probably need to find out about that felony you spent a few
nights in jail over, that bankruptcy you filed a couple of years
ago and/or what's in your medical records.

But it doesn't have to happen on the first freaking date, or the
second.  Wait until you understand yourselves to be mutually
compatible, THEN decide what, if any, hard truths she needs to
know.

You don't keep it under your hat for a longer time than you should,
but you definitely bring it up when it's obvious you need to.

I'm not even going to discount the option of eventually admitting
difficult truths that don't actually have any real, objective
consequence nowadays.

It's fine to be the kind of guy who doesn't keep anything from his
wife someday, but all in good time. 

Bear in mind also you may have friends who have dirt on you
and might disclose it to your wife someday on their own, either
accidentally or on purpose.

But that said, Emily and I personally have never felt the need to
share anything negative about our pasts that wasn't imminently
necessary to talk about, and we get along just fine.

For us, caring enough not to put one another through any
unnecessary traumatic mental images outweighs "full disclosure".

But if you sense the need to tell your future wife every lurid detail
of what went on years ago, I do have a strong suggestion.  Be
absolutely, positively sure to screen every potential girlfriend for
how well she'd take the truth when she finds out about it.

For example, if she has very strong feelings about ever getting
intimate with any guy who'd hire a prostitute, you need to face up
to the fact that you're not her guy.  Period.  You made your bed
and now must sleep in it, if you'll pardon the bad pun.  

Watching one movie together where that theme comes up might
tell you what you need to know.

Hey guys, I understand that what we've covered today is a flat-out
difficult and altogether unpleasant subject.  In the end, you'll
need to let your conscience be the guide.

That said, I do trust I've given you the building blocks of
forgiving yourself and going as easy as you can on your future
girlfriends.


Be Good,

Scot McKay




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