[X&Y] Blind Dates: Don't Be Left In The Dark
Published: Fri, 07/08/22
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IN THIS EDITION: Find out the potentially hazardous tricks
your mind plays on you when out on a blind date, and how to
get your head back into the game and deserve what you want.
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BLIND DATES: DON'T BE LEFT IN THE DARK
Let's talk oldschool for a bit.
It used to be that a 'blind date' came about by way of
a simple conversation.
Someone you know (preferably) came up to you, sensing for
better or worse that you were basically dateless, and said,
"I know this girl you HAVE to meet. You two would probably
like each other."
Usually this would-be matchmaker was female, as women
love to take on that role.
If you were like me, being a willing accomplice, you'd say,
"Uh...sure...why not? What do I have to lose?"
Now, considering most of us guys are typically all about
spending large sums of cash on first dates to impress
women with how artificial and awkward we are, you
actually had PLENTY to lose.
But whatever. That was beside the point.
So you went on the date. And your brain would start to
mess with you...hard. We're talking fried circuits.
I'll elaborate more on that in a minute.
First, however, let's teleport back into the present. If you
are like millions of other people, you've discovered online
dating.
Naturally, this means "blind dates" have essentially
become a multi-billion dollar industry.
No longer is this phenomenon limited to your aunt setting
you up with her bridge partner's brace-faced niece.
This is the 21st century.
But regardless, when you meet someone from an online
dating site for the first time, it really is a blind date.
Profile narratives? Pictures? Even telephone or video
conversations?
All are essentially meaningless in the real world much
of the time.
When that person arrives at Starbucks you might very
well want to bail immediately.
Or else you'll feel like you hit the jackpot.
Or...your brain will start to mess with you, like I said.
After all, it's a blind date. And blind dates are not unlike
extreme sports. There's an adrenaline rush to be had in
anticipation of what exactly is going to happen.
As much as most guys have issues with approaching
women, there is one undeniable factor involved with it
that establishes clarity.
When you approach a woman in real life, you are FULLY
AWARE she's sexy as hell to you.
If you walk up to the most attractive woman in the place,
verify that she's a high-quality woman--and she likes you
back-then you KNOW THE SCORE.
Way to deserve what you want.
AND...if you go through 20 or 30 women before one
will actually hang out with you, you also KNOW THE
SCORE. You are SETTLING.
On a blind date, that's all off the table and you get no
such frame of reference, really.
You have not chosen someone from a field of many.
You simply have a certain person in front of you...RIGHT
HERE...RIGHT NOW.
You are already on a real, live DATE with this person.
The heavy lifting of getting to that step has been done
for you.
And that's where "lazy goes crazy". And the longer it
has been since you've been on a quality date, the more
hallucinatory the trip gets.
Suddenly, you're busy convincing yourself how attracted
you are to the woman, when the truth is you have NO
IDEA whether or not you would have chosen her out of
a crowd.
Congratulations. Your brain is playing tricks on you.
Or is it? The bottom line is you can't really be sure, can
you?
One of the key hallmarks of a wildly successful dating
life is you are comfortable weeding out people who do
not meet your exacting standards.
This is not a matter of snobbery, it's a matter of
necessity when you have options.
Simply put, romantic relationships are not the place for
philanthropy. If you want to save the world, team up
with the greatest woman you've ever met and save
the world together.
Given how mission-critical having the right woman in
your life is, charity cases need not apply.
But until we get to that place, the Wildly Successful
Dating Place, we often let certain insidious factors
creep to the top of our list when deciding who we're
going to date and/or talk ourselves into being attractive
to.
A "blind date" (and therefore an online dating "first
meeting") is an optimal Petri dish for them to grow in.
These factors are (in order):
1) "This person actually finds me attractive,
therefore I'm attracted."
2) "This person is actually available, therefore
I'm available."
3) "We're already on a date, so the convenience
of this set up sure beats having to go out and
dredge up someone else."
I've talked before at length about being "clouded by
beauty-vision".
Now we're talking about being flat-out "blinded by
blind dates".
No joke.
Seriously, here's where the rubber meets the road:
If you had randomly seen this person you are on a
date with in public prior to being set up together,
would you have even TAKEN NOTICE?
Here's the crazy part.
Often, if you have the guts to ask yourself that
question on a first date with someone you met
online (or who your co-worker over in Accounting
recommended, for that matter) you have to answer,
"You know, I DON'T KNOW."
It's true. Sometimes your brain plays tricks on you
to the point where you simply can't separate where
the "butterflies" of being on an actual date with
someone end and real, natural attraction starts.
So yeah, you go on a second date, and you may
even be excited about it. But your brain is flipped
out over this.
What is REAL here?
Thankfully, I believe there are several reliable
metrics you can apply that will offer very real
clarity to the situation:
1) Would you be proud to introduce your
date to your friends?
This is HUGE. If you are embarrassed by this
concept, you're only fooling yourself.
2) Have you seen someone else during the
course of the first date who caused your
attention to wander?
If you're at breakfast and can't keep your eyes
off the chick in the booth over there, it's your
judgment that's been scrambled and/or fried
over hard.
3) Are you more excited about seeing this
person again, or more excited to just be
dating someone?
Can you clearly see the difference between
these two states of mind? It's important to do
so.
4) Were you bored at any time during the
first date?
If you find your mind drifting, you're kidding
yourself if you think there's chemistry there.
5) Do you find yourself justifying and/or
wishing away certain flaws?
Remember, there's a real-world difference
between "perfectly imperfect" and straight-up
"not right". "Perfect imperfections" endear you
to someone. That's good. Justifying stuff that
irritates you or turns you off? That's settling.
6) Did you try to justify how much time you
spent communicating prior to meeting?
Are you using all the time spent on e-mail, IM
and telephone before actually meeting this person
(or Lord forbid, the cost of the plane tickets) as a
weapon against yourself to "give this a chance"
despite your gut reaction?
Stop kidding around. It's going nowhere. Welcome
to why most online dating experts recommend
moving from first e-mail to first meeting ASAP.
So there you have it...a half-dozen highly practical
principles you can use like a GPS to find your
mental bearings and get your head around "blind
dates".
In closing, here's some good news. Once you
deserve what you want, it's amazing how well
"blind dates" can go.
Back in college a friend set me up over the summer
with a girl who was going to be in the incoming
freshman class where I was going to school.
I remember being attracted when I met her, but in
retrospect I now recognize how some of the mind
tricks I've written about in this newsletter affected
me...
...only in REVERSE.
Apparently, that's a thing as well.
We decided to enter the school year as "friends",
but once we were there I found myself choosing
her over all other options.
So my friend had his game on when he set me up
with her. Looking back, all of the "clarity factors" I
listed above were in check.
And yes, the fateful morning Emily and I met all the
boxes were checked as well, even though both of
us had options. And that's about as much 20/20
foresight as a blind date can offer.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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