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IN THIS EDITION:  What if the biggest
challenge you face with a woman comes
from one of her friends?  

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READER QUESTION:  WHAT IF HER
FRIEND IS A REAL TROUBLEMAKER?

Hi Scot,

Well...I really screwed up yesterday.

So, here is situation (I will try to be brief and
descriptive).

I have been dating this woman (Jeannette) for
about four months now.  Things have been going
great and moving along nicely.  I consider her a
quality woman and we both are really into each
other.

I met her at her friend Michelle's house to hang
out for a little while.  This was my first time
meeting any of her friends (she has not met any
of my friends yet).  

We were getting along pretty well but then she
makes a comment about when they went to a
strip club about a month ago and says to
Jeannette, "Yeah, you had sex that night."  

Well, that wasn't with me if she did.  Jeannette
has been telling me that she has been
monogamous with me for at least two months
now.  We are not exclusive yet but were
heading that way probably within the next
couple weeks.  

I was a little shocked that Michelle said that
and the only thing running through my mind
was, "Why did she say that?"  

I let the comment go and didn't say anything,
after all I just met the girl fifteen minutes earlier.
I left soon after and we agreed to meet back
up later that evening to go out.

We met up later with Michelle.  Things were
going good except Michelle kept trying to
instigate stuff with Jeannette.  

She kept saying several times throughout the
night "Let's go to the strip club."  She said this
at least fifty times just trying to annoy Jeannette
(or possibly me, I don't know).  

We were chatting and out of nowhere Michelle
mentions some guy and says that he has the
biggest crush on Jeannette.  

She said it at least three times, and then
throws in that he wants to leave his wife for
Jeannette along with, "Didn't you go out with
him the other day?"

I am playing it cool and don't react because I
didn't feel threatened.  Jeannette responded
back with, "Yeah right, you're so full of it and
even if he did I am so not interested in him."

Michelle did a few other annoying things but
I won't bother you with those.

When it was time to leave, we walked out to
the car.  Jeannette had driven and so I had
expected to sit up front with Jeannette but to
my surprise Michelle helped herself to my
spot (she didn't ride there with us).  

I asked her to sit in the back she said "no"
and acted like a brat.  She would not move
even after Jeannette asked her to move.  

Well, I kinda lost it and slammed the
passenger door shut.  Hopped in the back
and proceeded to call Michelle rude and a
spoiled brat in a not-so-nice tone of voice.  

Needless to say it was a very unpleasant
drive back, a very tense atmosphere.

I told Jeannette when we got back that I was
just going to take off.  I was already seriously
mad and it would have made things worse
had I stayed.

We get to the house and get out of the car.
Jeannette comes over to talk to me and I
blurt out, "Your friend is a rude, obnoxious
[insert ultimate insult to a woman here]."

Yeah, I used [that word] (and I know you
don't call girls that no matter how deserving
they are of it) and took off.  Like that didn't
make matters worse.  

As you can imagine, Jeannette is very
upset.  Michelle just happens to be her BFF
from high school and she considers her a
sister, basically.

I called Jeannette the next morning and
tried to work this out.

Turns out meeting her friends was a much
bigger deal than I realized it was.  

I was the first guy in three years (since her
divorce) she has dated and introduced to her
inner circle of friends.  

Another tidbit I didn't know was that her ex-
husband always made huge scenes around
her friends and was not allowed to hang out
with them.  

So this was a big thing for Jeannette to work
up to, and I failed to lead and I failed her.

This was VERY out of character for me.  I
have never done anything like that.  

I get along with 99% of people I meet.  I just
don't know what happened and now I fear
that I may have lost Jeannette.

So, I am stuck in the "what do I do next"
zone?  I did apologize to Jeannette for my
behavior.

Reading back over this I keep thinking to
myself,  "How did I not see this?"

Please help...

Jeff  (Tulsa, OK)

 

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Hey, Jeff.

Wow, tough going there, man.  Her friend
basically "alpha'ed" both of you.

And this is somewhat different than a "c-
blocking" situation, where a woman's friend
steps in to play "keep away" when you're
trying to meet a woman you don't yet know.

Even though most of us as guys have
endured similar (and equally tedious)
episodes in our lives, that doesn't make it
any easier to take when it happens.  

Fortunately, this one's easy to diagnose so
let's cut to the chase.
 
Clearly, Michelle is jealous of your
relationship with Jeannette.  

And were I in your position, I would not
have put up with the catty behavior, straight
up and from the very start.

That may come as a bit of a surprise to you,
I'm guessing, given how upset you are at
yourself for ultimately lacking restraint.

But hang in there with me here, and I'll
explain.

First, there's no question it was a sticky
situation for sure. There are no universally
"right" answers here when it comes to
handling it on the spot.  

How exactly to respond depends on the
woman's personality and the particular
social dynamics of the situation.  

For example, were Michelle and
Jeannette having a "tiff" under the surface
there that you didn't know about?

Or is Michelle significantly less successful
with guys than Jeannette is?

No matter what is the case, one thing's
for sure:  the longer you passively tolerate
obnoxious behavior, the more you're
granting permission to bring it on.   

And things invariably only get worse from
there, as you saw with your very own eyes.
 
The way to lead, which you duly noted as
the most promising course of action, would
likely have been first of all to pull Jeannette
aside, express to her that the two of you
don't have to tolerate such disrespect, and
to encourage her to stand up to her friend.

Remember, this is HER friend we're talking
about here, so having them solve their own
"issues" between themselves is the first
and best option.

After all, this probably IS between the two
of them, ultimately.

You really hadn't given Michelle time to
develop any sort of deeply-rooted
resentment or personal dislike toward you
yet, right?

But if Jeannette chickens out or is
ineffective at smoothing things over,
assuming you agreed to enact a solution,
you're going to have to take the lead and
do something yourself.  

You might serve notice that Michelle doesn't
seem like a very good friend to Jeannette,
acting so immature and jealous.

Again, depending on whether Michelle
appeared to have any sense of humor or
not, you may ask her in a good-natured
tone if she would like some help finding a
high-quality man of her own so she
wouldn't feel the need to appear so
jealous.

The first tool in the box to reach for in these
awkward situations is always to address
the issue directly, but with an element of
humor and a decidedly casual tone.

On the other hand, if she was completely
surly and unreasonable--or if the issue
persisted after serving notice that she was
acting inappropriately--I would have then
taken Jeannette by the hand and
announced that there's a much better use
of your time together for the evening than
sticking around.
 
Note that you're focusing on what you
perceive to be Michelle's broadcast of her
insecurities, never taking a defensive
stance.

After all, none of this is really about you.
As such, there's no need to weaken your
own position by taking personal offense,
right?

We as men tend to ignore these situations
and try to pretend they're not happening
because we fear agitating the "friend" to
the point that her misbehavior gets
redirected as vitriol towards us directly.  

But ironically, as much of a bummer as it
sounds like on the surface, that may have
actually been preferable to what you had
to endure.   

Having a jealous friend flat-out hate on
you is much easier to deal with than this
passive-aggressive stuff.  

By the way, Jeannette knows what she's
got there in Michelle.

Women are intuitive, and Jeannette
knows what the deal is.  What we often
overlook is that when we find someone
hard to get along with, others often feel
exactly the same way, even if it goes
unsaid.

Ultimately, Jeannette probably won't
blame you for your reaction as much as
you think, as it was sort of natural.  

Make no mistake, though.  You could
have handled it TONS better.

But by now she knows you well enough
to realize how easy you are for most
people to get along with and how difficult
it is to unsettle you under typical
circumstances.  

Still, you did well to apologize (as
opposed to BEING "sorry").  As we've
mentioned before, a great way to lead
here would be to acknowledge what you
would do if you had the chance over
again.  

Contrary to what some guys believe,
sticking your head in the sand and
pretending stuff never happened is NOT
leadership, and certainly isn't a hallmark
of having personal power in a relationship.

The Leading Man knows when he
messed up, and his character compels
him to make it right.  That's not weakness,
it's strength.
 
I do have another bit of hindsight for you
here that you can easily transform into
"2021 foresight" in the future.  

Next time, make sure YOU drive.  

The one with the keys is the one with the
decision making power with regard to how
long to stay and when it's time to go.  

Plus, you're ALWAYS in the driver's seat--
literally.  ALWAYS remember that.  And
ALWAYS be in control when you're in a
situation with multiple women.  

Finally, I'm sure there's a nagging
question as to whether any of what
Michelle said was true--especially the part
about the strip club and "having sex that
night", since you didn't mention anything
in your message about Jeannette denying
that happened.

My educated guess is that Jeannette
would bring up the parts that were not
true on her own later if not right then and
there, taking the initiative to make sure
you didn't believe negative assertions
about her.

If she doesn't bring it up at all though, it
doesn't necessarily mean she's guilty as
charged.  She may just want to forget
about it.

But it doesn't look good for her to stay
silent, does it?

You're going to have to own up to the
fact that even though she SAID she was
being "monogamous", you haven't exactly
led in that direction just yet.  

You mentioned that exclusivity is as yet a
"future" in your relationship.  So you can't
expect Jeannette to be faithful to you if
you aren't making that commitment to her
yet.

Yes, if the story Michelle brought up IS
true, that would mean that Jeannette was
less than truthful.  That's not excusable.

But then again, have you encouraged "full
disclosure" here as pertaining to "non-
exclusivity"?  My guess is probably not.  

Ultimately, the two of you must be able to
trust each other and have got to be able to
think the best of each other.   

You've also got to decide RIGHT NOW that
third-party accusations will not affect your
standing with someone you know...
whoever that may be, girlfriend or otherwise.

You balance all of that, of course, with
sober judgment.  If there are clear, first-
hand warning signs that there's trouble
ahead in this relationship, you've got to be
man enough to see those for what they are
also and proceed accordingly.

Best wishes to you on this one, man.
You've encountered one of the toughest
scenarios we as guys can be faced with.