[X&Y] What To Do When She Says, "I Have A Boyfriend"

Published: Fri, 10/07/22



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IN THIS EDITION:  You meet a woman, and she announces that she
"has a boyfriend".  Should you take that at face value or what?

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WHEN SHE SAYS SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND


As you well know by now, I have issued a standing invitation to
each and every one of you to send me your main "sticking points",
"high quality problems" and/or whatever you want to call the issues
you face as you move toward excellence with women.

And every day I continue to get amazingly insightful e-mails from
many of you.

One of the themes I see often surrounds the frustration caused
when a woman announces she "has a boyfriend" when you meet
her and ask for her phone number. 

That's the one we're going to get to the bottom of today.

The focal point of the conversation might go something like this:



Guy:  "What do you say we get to know each other better?"

Woman:  "That sounds good, but I don't think that I can let ya."

Guy:  "I don't know, tell me is it so...do you get a kick outta
telling brothers 'no'?"

Woman:  "No it's not that, see, you don't understand.  How should
I put it...I GOT a man."

Guy:  "What's your man got to do with me?"

Woman:  "I've GOT a man."

Guy: "I'm not trying to hear that, see?"



If you already know it was  "Positive K" who made those
words (in)famous, you win the trivia contest for today.

And even though I can't believe those lyrics are thirty
years old, the conversation itself is a lot older than that.

Clearly, when you hear this sort of response from a woman you
are facing a clear objection to your interest in her.  But as we're
about to find out, that can be for at least three reasons.

Once you have a handle on WHY women tell you they "have a
boyfriend", you can calibrate to the situation more effectively on
a case-by-case basis rather than being stopped dead in your
tracks every time.

So let's go over those three reasons.



1)  Maybe she DOES have a boyfriend


Whether Positive K is trying to hear it or not, sometimes the
straight-up truth is that the woman really is in a committed
relationship.  Moreover, she's actually interested in remaining
faithful to the guy she's committed to.

Now, you'd think this would signal the end to a very short
conversation on the matter.

But guess again.

Given the nature of how we operate around here, we get e-mails
from both men and women.  As we read through them, we tend
to discover amazing patterns.

One of the more amazing ones is how we tend to get e-mails from
guys who AREN'T able to date/get to know/hook up with women
because they have boyfriends.

Yet, the women tend to write us because they ARE dating/getting to
know/hooking up with a guy who's already "taken".

To quote an old Warner Brothers cartoon, "It just don't add up."

We have no idea why women in particular let themselves get
emotionally tangled with some married guy to begin with.  Then
again, we have no idea why guys want to get into a mess like that
either.

Here's the deal.  If you find out she's really got a boyfriend (let
alone a husband), then trying to get her to compromise that
relationship means you're asking her to compromise her character
and become a cheater.

And if she's a cheater, you want no part of her because she'll cheat
on you just as easily when the next guy comes along.

Believe me.  We tell women this story all the time.  Yet, we keep
getting the same e-mails from them...and hopeful ones.  It's nuts.

So what if you're in a situation where a woman in your social
circle has a boyfriend, but you're in a position to interact with
her often?

The answer is to banter and be your devastatingly attractive self
all the while, realizing that MOST boyfriends get broken up with.
Were that not the case, we'd all be married by fifth grade or
something, right?

So don't actively push her to breakup with her boyfriend.  This
will just irritate her, and it comes off as completely
self-serving.  Neither trust nor comfort is achieved there.

I also don't advocate going under the radar in an attempt to
subvert her relationship with her boyfriend either.  You know what
I mean.

For example, listening to her rants about her boyfriend and agreeing
that she should be treated better, but that she should "give him a
chance" or something because some guys need time to "mature" or
whatever.

By keeping your masculine, confident presence up and not kissing up
to her, you stay out of the Friend Zone which is exactly what keeps
your equity up for the future when she breaks up.

And when she does, act FAST.  Don't sweat her getting back together
with the guy or becoming her rebound relationship.

Those are risks you have to take, but which also can be mitigated by
knowing how to attract a woman.

Meanwhile, this could be the ultimate case of "you snooze, you lose".
Mark this:  You weren't the only guy on a "breakup watch" there.



2)  Many (but not all) socially connected, desirable women have
"boyfriends"


If a woman is socially connected and considered attractive by a
healthy percentage of guys, she'll often have a maxed out address
book in her cell phone.

Let's face it, such a woman can call any number of guys...all of whom
will be happy to be her "date" for the night, weekend, or however
long she'd like.

Before we get carried away, let me remind you that as a guy YOU can
have any number of women in your life also, provided you can escape
the social pattern of thinking that dictates "men are the chasers and
women are the choosers".

Yet, the simple fact remains that more women have more options than
most guys do.  So when a woman flatly states she "has a boyfriend",
she could be telling you that she has enough guys in her life for now,
or so she feels.

She may be seeing a guy casually, or even gravitating towards one
in particular.

But if she's not in a committed relationship, you do indeed have a
chance.  Again, you don't act needy or demand she get rid of every
other guy friend she has to be with you.  That lowers your stock in
her mind.

What you do instead is ramp up your game a bit more than you would
if she was in a committed relationship.  By creating raw attraction
as a confident, masculine man you become more and more irresistible
to her and your stock builds.

But you still must be more patient than if she was purely "single
and looking".  Remember, when it comes to truly great women, you
MUST deserve what you want as always.

You know, this reminds me of another point.  Sometimes guys even
make the mistake of simply seeing a woman with a guy and
automatically assuming they'd hear the words "I have a boyfriend"
from her were they to talk to her.

Bad assumption.  I met a woman one time who was actually hanging
out with her brother.  You just never know.



3)  It's a REALLY effective excuse


Here it is.  Thanks to a realization that most women make very
early in life, you're likely to hear "I have a boyfriend" sometimes
even if she's 100% unattached.

What women "realize" here is very similar to what YOU have realized
from a lifetime of going to the electronics store and/or dealing with
telemarketers.

Whether you tell the store employee that "you're just looking", or
tell the telemarketer that "you've got one of those already" you've
long since figured out something magical happens when you say
stuff like that.  People get off your back and go away.

And Positive K notwithstanding, almost 100% of all guys give up and
go away as soon as a woman says she has a boyfriend.

It's like instant "guy repellent".

I've even known women who wear rings on their left ring finger just
to ward off creepy guys.  That's a fact.

So is it indeed that women get a kick outta telling brothers 'no'?

Not at all.

The deal is sometimes women are caught off guard by men
approaching them.  Other times, they just aren't in the mood to
interact with you.  Everyone goes through days like that, right?

But the most likely issue is that you've failed to deploy.

Now, you can go the sneaky route and jump right back at her with
something to the effect of, "Really? He must be a great guy.  Tell
me about him."

But don't expect her to drop her guard and say, "Ha...okay, you've
got me.  I don't really have a boyfriend.  Here's my number."

That's just not likely.

In order to stop hearing "I have a boyfriend" MUCH less often than
you do--meaning more in line with how often they REALLY DO have
boyfriends--you've got to know how to build comfort and connection
with women as quickly as possible without causing them to feel like
they have to "bail out" of the situation.

When a woman is attracted to you, and you've succeeded at inspiring
confidence (one of the "big four", remember) then she won't have to
reach for the easy excuse.

 

 



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