[X&Y] What If You Have To Initiate All The Contact? (Reader Question)
Published: Tue, 10/11/22
WHAT'S INSIDE: You're out with a woman and she seems to
like you...but it's always YOU who is picking up the phone to call,
sending the first text, and the like. Is it still safe to say she'slike you...but it's always YOU who is picking up the phone to call,
interested?
=====
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hey Scot,
I recently met a woman on Match.com. We started with a few
emails then with an online chat that lasted about an hour and a
half.
We talked on the phone twice for a total of about 3 hours.
We have gone out three times, I really like her and honestly I
don't remember the last time I had such a great connection with
someone.
My concern is that it seems to be a little one sided. I really do
think she likes me because when we are together she is very
affectionate towards me, but it seems like when we are not
together I am the only one trying to make contact.
I may call her or send her a "good morning" text or a "how was
your day" text. I have only received one text like that from her,
and we have been talking for over three weeks.
Am I reading too much into it?
Also, is three really great dates enough time to suggest that
we try to make it a little more serious? Or should I just let
things progress naturally? Thanks.
Andrew (Denver, CO)
=====
Hello Andrew, and thank you for writing.
One detail you've left out is how responsive she is to you
once you indeed initiate the contact.
But since you didn't mention it, for the sake of answering
your question in a relevant way to thousands of guys reading
this, I'm not going to read that issue into your message.
So then, if what you told me is all there is to it, I wouldn't
worry just yet. Most women are taught to let the man take the
lead when it comes to initiating interaction.
If it really eats at you, go ahead and acknowledge it to her just
to see how she reacts. For example, "I've noticed you're very
traditional...preferring the man take the lead when it comes to
phone calls and things like that."
Note that you aren't complaining, challenging or worrying. You're
simply stating a fact.
Note especially how you're confidently calling out the "elephant
in the room" like we've talked about before rather than running
away from the issue. If she flat-out hasn't realized you're doing all the calling and
texting, it may be because that's simply her unconscious habit
when relating to men. And if that's the case, that's not unusual
for women who have been raised around traditional thinking from
a young age.
Be careful if that's indeed what's going on, though.
She may launch into a stream of "I'm sorrys" if she senses you
may be displeased. This tends to be an all but de facto practice
among women, doesn't it?Although saying "I'm sorry" a lot can be a sign of low self-esteem
if it occurs often enough, she may genuinely feel in this scenario
that she's let you down.
On the other hand, she may openly acknowledge that she's indeed
been intentional about waiting for you to contact her first.
She may also be prompted at that point to ask you if you either
like it that way or have a problem with it. But at least you'll have
reassurance that she's indeed like that rather than losing interest
in you.
Either way she responds, it's important at that point to take the
lead (as she wants you to anyway) and reassure her that you find
her old-fashioned outlook refreshing and that you LIKE it.
And if you get nothing more than "I don't know", or some sort of
hesitation--it's time to watch carefully. Is she just being shy or
is she hemming and hawing over the fact that she really isn't as
sold on you as you think? Watch the rest of her interaction with
you carefully and connect the dots.But in all likelihood, if your gut feeling is that she's indeed
attracted to you, she's probably just "old school". You'll be fine...
...ALTHOUGH, if she's popular with men then there may be
SEVERAL of you she indeed finds interesting. Still, this would
be more likely to affect communication frequency than whether
or not she's initiating it.
As for how slow or fast you want to take things from there, you're
the man. You lead. You manufacture that reality.
The good news is she'll almost certainly like that about you also.
If you are a man who has options and you think this woman is
particularly terrific vis-à-vis others you've considered, then
you'll have plenty of clarity when it comes to making her yoursteady girlfriend or not.
But feel free to take your time and enjoy all the steps on the path
to getting to know each other well enough for that.
Remember always: It's when we're desperate to hold on to any
woman who both likes us and can fog a mirror that we're in
trouble.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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