[X&Y] How To Avoid Boring Her To Death (Reader Question)
Published: Thu, 01/19/23
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IN THIS EDITION: You have a new girlfriend, and plan on
keeping her around. How do you make sure the two of you
don't run out of exciting things to do?
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QUESTION FROM A READER
Hey Scot,
After 5-10 dates composed of about 3 activities each, it
seems that date ideas within an hour drive fade out.
What do you do then?
Just keep eating at your favorite spots and doing the
activities you found most enjoyable together?
I don't want to get into a rut. I really like this latest
one I've been dating and I want to explore new things with
her.
It's just that in another 5 or so dates, the only
experiences I'll still be curious to see are across
the country.
How do you avoid settling into a routine of getting some
food, doing something like playing badminton in the park
or watching a movie, and doing normal daily activities as
dates?
Warm regards,
Felix
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Hello Felix, and thanks for writing.
Three things come to mind.
The first would be to focus on one activity per date so you
don't blow through them all so quickly.
You also mentioned your curiosity. Have you asked her what
she is curious about as well? That could add to the number
of possibilities.
But the third thought I had is the most important one.
By the time the two of you have gone out that many times, it
should be easier to focus on each other rather than depending
on whatever activity you're participating in together to carry
the interaction.
I mean, that's best even early on, but by 5-10 dates the two
of you should have a comfort level with each other such that
whatever you do together is fine.
And at this point I could make a wise crack about how if you
take care of her in the bedroom, that's all the adventure
she'll ever need.
But all seriousness aside, even though I've written extensively
about setting the tone early in a relationship and avoiding
getting into a rut, the reality of the matter is AT SOME POINT
you have to celebrate the mundane in life.
Every moment of every day can't be an adventure, and I'd say
most people (even sexy women) don't seriously expect that on
an ongoing, daily basis.
Sooner than later you really will have done most of the
adventures that interest both of you within an hour's drive.
Ultimately, if you move in with the queen of all the sexiest
women you ever date some day, the house still has to be
cleaned and the laundry has to be done.
Years ago I happened to see a paparazzi picture of Britney
Spears coming out of a grocery store pushing a cart. This
was at the height of her popularity.
I remember it hit me that no matter what kind of "A lister"
you are, life still happens.
For a couple of years my parents lived in Westport, CT.
They'd see Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward bumming
around town at the flower nursery, the grocery store and so
forth.
So ultimately, although you definitely don't want to lapse
into "Netflix and chill" every time after the first date,
you have to balance your expectations that every time you
get together for weeks, months or years to come is going to
be a novel, exciting experience.
And in case it's not clear, that also means we as men
shouldn't pressure ourselves to come off like perfect
"Disney princes" constantly, or else women will run away.
That's simply not how reality works, despite fearmongering
pickup advice.
By the way, some sort of routine isn't necessarily "settling".
Its how ALL OF US live our lives. The vast majority of
people actually prefer it that way, even incredibly desirable
women.
And life is better with the right person in it by our side.
That's really what it's all about.
One other thing I'd add. I'm sure you know how our family
is particularly known for being adventurous and crossing off
lots of "bucket list" items.
But I'll tell you, not only do we have a LOT of "normal" days
around here, often when we're out in the thick of some
adventure it would be just as nice to be home.
Even once we got good at planning 4-6 week international
trips we were usually ready to come home at the end.
And even if not, when we returned it still felt good to be
home anyway.
It's strange how in the final analysis, being home chilling
is the one thing we never really tire of, no matter who we
are.
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