[X&Y] Women Who Demand Exclusivity Before Sex [Reader Question]
Published: Sun, 01/22/23
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WHAT'S INSIDE: She says she'll only have sex once the relationship
is exclusive...but meanwhile she sure isn't shy about making her
sexual appetite perfectly clear. What's wrong with this picture?
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LETTER FROM A READER
Scot,
Here's what happened. I want to make sure I'm not missing anything
when I look at this situation.
Yesterday, a woman I've been seeing and I spent the day together.
All was good, we had a great time.
Then we get back to my place.
We kiss and hold each other a bit--nothing too energetic. She
starts asking me what some of my sexual fantasies are, and grinding
herself against my crotch.
We start to kiss more passionately. Both our hands start to roam
a bit, but she stops me.
She said she doesn't want to have sex if we're not exclusive.
I thought it was clear from a conversation we had a few days ago
that she just wasn't going to date other guys if she was sleeping
with someone else.
I had told her that I wasn't sleeping with anyone else and of
course we weren't going to expose each other to STDs.
So back to the situation, I'm quite displeased at this point but
staying calm.
She says, "Well, you liked the grinding, didn't you?" I said that I
did, but didn't like her carrot and stick approach to exclusivity.
She seems to think it's miscommunication at this point, and I tell
her that her grinding on me and asking about sexual fantasies (both
of which she initiated) while she wasn't prepared to finish what
she started was tantamount to manipulation.
And here's the question--does this sound to you like I'm
overreacting to an innocent miscommunication or have I properly
called out manipulative behavior?
If the latter, have I successfully called out bad behavior in a way
that means it's not likely to recur, or does this sound like a
character defect?
This certainly fails the TGR-R (The Golden Rule, Reversed) test.
I don't believe in sexually stimulating women with no intent for
it to go anywhere, and definitely not chaining it to exclusivity.
I was strongly thinking about going exclusive--she's great in so
many ways--but her trying to barter sexual activity for an
increased commitment still looms large in my mind.
Thanks,
Frank (Slidell, LA)
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Hello Frank, and thanks for writing.
Yes, her behavior is absolutely manipulative.
But to be perfectly clear, what she's doing hurts her just as
much as it hurts you.
The unfortunate part for her here, from a "deserve what you want"
perspective, is that she's actually setting herself up for a guy to
say, "Why sure, I'll make you my steady girlfriend. Now give it
up."
And predictably, once she agrees, he'll call her the next day and
say, "I'm sorry. I just can't do this after all. I'm just not
ready."
But as you duly noted with your TGR-R reference, you're not that
kind of guy.
And perhaps ironically, it's for precisely THAT reason that you
deserve better than her.
This is a lesson every guy needs to learn.
We're all HUMAN BEINGS. Nobody, regardless of gender, gets a "free
pass" when it comes to manipulation, whether it turns out well for
the manipulator or not.
She wants a boyfriend, and is attempting to use sex as a weapon to
get what she wants.
This is the opposite of representing what the other gender wants
and therefore having MOTOS (members of the other sex) gladly give
in return.
She'll end up with manipulative men who follow the pattern I
described as due recompense for her behavior, and will likely end
up thinking "all men are the same".
She'll also encounter her share of men who have a greater measure
of self-respect and who will therefore respond with, "thanks, but
no thanks", as I'm sure you will do.
Unfortunately, she'll (incorrectly) chalk THAT sort of response up
to something having to do with her not being all that desirable to
the kind of men she's most attracted to.
So you can see exactly how damaging selfishness (aka "trying to get
what you want") really is to one's ability to relate to MOTOS
effectively and build solid relationships with them (aka "deserving
what you want").
For what it's worth, like most matters of dating/relationship
dynamics this is NOT gender specific.
For example, were we to try to trick a woman into sex earlier than
she is inherently comfortable with, we shouldn't be surprised that
we're either manipulated in return or kicked to the curb.
Yet some guys go about their interactions with women in EXACTLY
that manner, only to write me later wondering why women "reject"
them so often and/or are pretty much mean to them in general.
But both of those end results are quite preventable, if we'll only
present ourselves as a "big four" man. Make yourself irresistible
to her, and she'll convince HERSELF that she has to have you. No
manipulation necessary.
That's notwithstanding any ulterior agenda SHE'S got in the works,
of course. A man's still got to look alive out there.
Meanwhile, putting the shoe back on the other foot just for
demonstrative purposes here, look at the truth about your female
friend's situation here.
She's about to get broken up with when up until now you were
seriously considering making her your girlfriend...and it's all
because of her manipulative tactics.
And worst of all, all of her heartache may not be due to her being
a "bad person" as it were. You can probably attribute it to pure
impatience.
With maturity she may figure it all out. We can only hope she
hasn't become jaded against men by then.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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