[X&Y] He Even Gave The Poor Girl "The Cheek"
Published: Thu, 01/26/23
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IN THIS EDITION: Which type of
communication should you pay the most
attention to, verbal or non-verbal...or both?
=====
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=====
SHOULD YOU LISTEN TO HER WORDS
OR WATCH HER ACTIONS?
Hi Scot:
I have a specific case that I'd like to have
your advice on and I'll try to make it short
I've known a girl in my workplace for about
4 years. We flirted in the past and we used
to go together for coffee and drinks.
I can say there is attraction from both sides.
However, we didn't have "real dates" and
she dated other guys during the last period
and was in a relationship until recently.
Two weeks ago we went out for a drink
after work. The conversation had a lot of
sexual tension. She was very excited and
interactive.
At the same time she indicated that she
wants to be friends although none of her
behaviour indicated the same.
And when we were leaving and everyone
was supposed to go in a different way, she
asked me, "what do you have now, where
are you headed"?
I totally messed up here. I didn't get it as
a signal that she wanted to go with me. She
even got closer to me as she was giving
me a goodbye kiss but instead I kissed her
on her cheek.
Honestly I only realized that I messed up
a few minutes later. And I think the reason
for that is what she said about "she wants
to be friends" which made me
subconsciously behave like that.
Did I miss anything here? Can I fix this?
I read [elsewhere] that women have a short
attraction window.
If a guy "fails to deploy", the woman would
lose interest. I actually could see how she
was disappointed when we left.
I didn't see her since then because I
traveled and now I am back.
What is the best way to deal with this? I
appreciate your advise.
Thank you,
Ahmad (Toronto, ON)
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Hello Ahmad:
First of all, let's be sure to address this bit:
"I read [elsewhere] that women have a short
attraction window."
Honestly, I have no idea where you guys
get some of this stuff, but it's from people
who have no idea what women are like.
Seriously, if you were to take a look, you'd
note that an incredibly high percentage of
women's dating advice is about how to get
ONE guy who they're crazy about to "stop
messing up" and/or stop sending mixed
messages.
The bottom line is women are no different
than we are as men in this respect.
If they're attracted, there's really no stopping
them...unless you totally creep or freak
them out somehow.
On the other hand, if they're NOT attracted,
there's really no starting them, if you get
my drift.
Fortunately for you, your scenario is the
former rather than the latter.
This woman is indeed attracted to you.
And yes, she's sending some of those cute,
adorable, subtle signals that women tend
to send when they're not quite sure you're
so into them yet and they don't want to end
up embarrassing themselves.
You know, those under-the-radar hints
("Where are you headed now?")
punctuated by clearer statements indicating
they fully realize nothing's really going
on between the two of you yet.
Really, it's all just a "dance".
She is following your leadership, even
though your intentions are either
indiscernible to her and/or she's frustrated
because you're slower than a Yugo with a
broken gearbox.
Therefore she's verbally going along with
your apparent "just friends" plan, even
though her "subtle" signals are virtually
screaming for you to make a bold move,\
for once.
If you were to make that bold move, my
edumckayted guess is she would respond
to you with more enthusiasm than a
Porsche 911 GT3 with paddle shifters.
All that's left is to make sure that's what
you really want.
That's right. I said it.
After all, this dinking around with her has
already gone on for four years, boyfriend
or no boyfriend.
You mentioned "sub-conscious behavior"
that's contrary to moving things forward
romantically.
And geez, man...you even gave the poor
girl "the cheek".
Dig deep into your conscience and be
honest with yourself.
It's time to come to grips with the fact that
the idea of a non-platonic relationship with
this woman might not actually appeal to
you,
For starters, if by "in your workplace" you
mean you're on the same boss man's
payroll, then you have the always
formidable "pen in the company ink"
problem to consider.
Also, she went on "not real dates" with
you while she had a boyfriend. Is there a
sneaking suspicion in the back of your
mind that she's not trustworthy?
Were you to get into a relationship with
her would she get a little flirty with other
"not real" boyfriends when you're not
around?
I can tell from your letter you already
know where you've "failed to deploy"
thus far.
Yet you did it anyway.
So yes...the real question here is one
only YOU can answer:
What ARE your intentions?
What do you really WANT?
The good news is you are indeed the
chooser in this situation, which is always
the right frame of mind.
=====
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