[X&Y] Reconnecting With Women From Your Past On Facebook
Published: Thu, 02/09/23
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WHAT'S INSIDE: You haven't seen her for YEARS...when
suddenly she shows up on Facebook. Now what?
suddenly she shows up on Facebook. Now what?
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RECONNECTING WITH WOMEN FROM THE PAST ON
FACEBOOK
It used to be that if you completely missed out on asking the most
amazing girl in your high school out back in the day, you pretty
much had to live with that forever...or at least until the next
reunion, if both of you showed up.
Who cares whether she had a boyfriend for all four years of high
school or you just flat-out lacked the guts to make a move back in
your wasted youth? The end result was the same, regardless
And then came Facebook.
So, here you are YEARS LATER. You open up your Facebook
account, run a quick search on your high school class and there
she is.
And she's single, no less.
Or who knows? Maybe it's that girl from college.
Maybe it's an actual ex-girlfriend.
Or that chick with the unique exotic name that you somehow
remembered...even though you somehow FORGOT to get her digits
that magical night you met her out on the town a couple of years
ago.
It occurs to you to run a search on Facebook for WHOEVER it is
...and what do you know? You find her, sure enough.
So after you thaw yourself out from having been FROZEN to
your chair as soon as you were confronted with her picture on
your computer screen...THEN WHAT?
You WANT to contact her. In fact, you feel like you NEED to
contact her.
But you definitely want to make sure that if you DO contact her it
ends better for you than LAST time...or at the VERY LEAST no worse,
right?
Here's everything you need to know about women you USED to know,
but now find yourself with a NEW CHANCE to reconnect with.
1) Set Expectations Properly
I debated the order of the first two bullet points I'm sharing with
you.
Ultimately, the idea of setting proper expectations came first
because I think it's a healthy thought process to go through
REGARDLESS of whether you decide to act on your urge to contact
a woman from your past or not.
So what do I mean by "set expectations" in this context?
Well, I don't want to be a "spoil sport" but chances are VERY, VERY
GOOD that the person behind the Facebook profile is going to be a
different person than the one you remember.
Oh, she's the same HUMAN BEING. But there's been a lot of water
under the bridge since you last interacted with her.
And in case it's not obvious, the LONGER it's been since you saw
her last the GREATER the potential for differences.
Heck, if you're coming up on your 20th or 25th year high school
reunion, simply SEEING her profile might make you GLAD you didn't
ask her out...lest you might have ended up marrying her.
In fact, you may go through a very real "mourning period" for your
lost memories of her faded glory. You might rather have left them
as they were after all, come to think of it.
But what I'm talking about here is important to consider even if
it's only been a couple of years since you saw her last--and liked
what you saw.
There have been other relationships, maybe even marriage(s) and
divorce(s)...for BOTH of you.
And it's likely her personality and demeanor have "evolved".
Hopefully she's more mature, but hasn't lost that joie de vivre she
had back when you knew her. You might also hope she hasn't grown jaded against men. Hopefully
her psychological state is terrific.
But "hope" isn't a strategy.
The simple truth is that NO MATTER WHAT (or how long it's been),
you've got to prepare yourself for interacting with someone who
isn't quite who you expect them to be.
That may not only be disappointing, it may be painful to your fond
memories.
Oh, and let's not forget to set what is perhaps the more important
expectation of all: It's not a foregone conclusion that she's
going to instantly (and magically) open up to you after all this
time.
2) Tread With Care
Once you've got your expectations in line you need to carefully
consider the logistics involved with reconnecting with her.
And let's face it; life isn't always "convenient".
For starters, maybe she's not single anymore.
If not, you've got to remember you're now dealing with a woman
who's in a relationship--maybe a committed one. That's going to
dramatically affect how she's going to react to hearing from
you...assuming she'll react at all.
At least look before you leap, if you get my drift.
Another thing to keep in mind is how far away she is.
If the two of you still live in close proximity to each other, that
could profoundly affect how you interact together when and if you
reconnect.
Simply put, the closer you live to each other the greater the
perceived likelihood that you might end up "meeting for coffee" or
something.
That's got to sound like a good idea AHEAD OF TIME in her mind in
order for her to jump right into talking to you again.
If she's farther away, there's a "buffer zone" there between
fantasy and potential reality.
But even still, that "fantasy" has got to sound like a good
idea...and in light of point #1 above, it probably isn't.
If she's far away, you also have to factor in your tolerance for
long-distance relationships should you two actually reconnect with
unexpectedly strong chemistry. Think about that one VERY carefully.
My general guideline would be that if a woman is happily married
and lives close by, I don't even add her. If she's married and far
away, add her and leave it at that...if she wants to have a cordial
convo with you, she will.
3) Get In Touch With Your Real Memories
It's a common, natural fact that bad memories tend to FADE over
time...overshadowed by more favorable ones.
This can be a good thing. I recently reconnected with a guy I'd
once been great friends with in high school, but we ended up having
a falling out sometime around graduation and didn't talk much
anymore after that.
When we caught up with each other on Facebook neither of us could
remember what we'd gotten mad at each other about.
So nowadays it's like we picked up where we left off...BEFORE
whatever that stupid thing that happened back in high school was.
But when it comes to possibly reconnecting with women from your
past, you've got to keep the darker side of this phenomenon in mind.
If she's an ex-girlfriend, was there a REALLY GOOD reason why you
parted ways to begin with? I bet there was.
Even if she's someone you secretly were hot for back in school, did
you actually LIKE her? Given all the time that has passed, do you
really WANT to get to know her nowadays?
That last question may sound like a silly one, but it's amazing how
actually having a CHOICE in the matter after so many years of
regret causes you to make an unexpected choice to pass rather than
proceed.
4) Stay In Touch With Your Mature Self
OK, so let's think positive thoughts.
You've set reasonable expectations, you're both single, and you
both actually LIKED each other back when you knew each other
previously.
Great...now you've got to do everything in your power not to REGRESS
back to the time when you knew each other...mentally OR emotionally,
that is.
Things really have changed, and hopefully for the better.
You've probably matured into far more of a "big four" man than you
were years ago...at least I sincerely trust you have.
Rest in the simple notion that you're inherently MORE attractive
than you used to be. Understand that as the tremendous advantage
over your younger self that it truly is.
With that in mind don't ever, EVER let yourself slip into your "old
ways" when you're reconnecting with a woman from your past.
And let me tell you, brother, that stuff can show up and rear its
ugly head with a quickness...before you even know it's there.
Think I'm kidding? Go Netflix Grown Ups with Adam Sandler for a
fictional and funny--but somehow strangely accurate--picture of howwe as guys tend to "pick up where we left off" with old friends.
5) Pace Yourself
This last point centers around how to proceed when actually
contacting her, should you choose to do so.
Whatever you do, DON'T lead with a long, sad message about lost
opportunities, new beginnings and--God forbid--your entire life story.
Although that sounds obvious, I add it as a warning because I've
seen it happen TOO many times.
In fact, don't EVER send her a long, sad message such as that...EVER.
Even after you've written back and forth ten times and had
lunch...and sex, for that matter.
The key is to let HER figure out on her own how much of a POSITIVE
thing it is to reconnect with YOU.
You already know that it's always a BAD IDEA to push hard for what
you want with women...at the very beginning, especially. It comes
off as selfish and needy...the latter being the "kiss of death" as
far as attraction goes.
Just add her for the time being...and STOP moving. RESIST the urge
to even message her.
It's altogether likely that she'll send you a short message when
she accepts your friend request.
If not, it's fine to send her a short message once she's on your
friend list...preferably a casual but humorous one.
One of my favorite examples I've ever seen--written by a woman to a
guy she hadn't seen in over 20 years, after he added her first--was,
"So...what have you been up to these last 'few' years?"
After you've established contact WITHOUT declaring interest in
seeing each other again, you might go ahead and say something
positive to her such as, "You still look the same as ever"
(assuming that's true).
From there, let HER ask you if that's a GOOD THING. See the flow
there?
Next thing you know, you'll be catching up. If she's in town,
that's when you tell her that all of this typing needs to turn into
talking, and you trade numbers and take it from there.
People and circumstances change, but we're always who we've always
been under there--self-improved or otherwise.
Even as you set expectations as you should for reconnecting with a
woman from your past, you're likely to be pleasantly surprised in
many ways that she's still very much the person you've thought so
fondly of for all this time.
It's just that you've got to be ready for ANYTHING if you actually
meet again...including massive disappointment. In many ways, it's
not unlike online dating...weirdly.
Remember also this sobering truth: She's going to be confronted
with the SAME EXACT set of thoughts and emotions we've talked
about here regarding YOU.
Deserve what you want, and she'll likely not be disappointed.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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