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WHAT'S INSIDE:  Are you giving a woman what
she wants from you without any regard at all as to
whether your needs are being met or not?

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SHE GETS A "NICE FRIEND".  HE GETS THE BILL. (OUCH)


A while back Emily and I were on a live coaching call.

She was making a rather profound point when she busted out
mid-sentence with the word "monopulated".

She quickly paused to correct herself.

But right then I asserted, "Hey wait a minute.  Did you mean
'manipulated' or 'monopolized'?  Either word would have worked
equally well in that context."

Indeed.  As it turned out, Emily hadn't needed to correct herself
at all.

A new--and deadly accurate, if not exactly scientific--term was born.

So what, then, IS "monopulation"?

Well, picture this...

Boy meets Girl.  Boy is instantaneously smitten with Girl, having
(once again) been "clouded by beauty-vision".

Having pre-approved her on sight, basically, it was all he could do
to gather his gonads in a bundle and ask her out.

Half-heartedly, Girl agrees.  After all, she might get a free dinner
out of the transaction, if nothing else.

And wouldn't you know it?  Once "date night" finally arrived after
a couple sleepless nights the dude spent writhing in anticipation,
Girl flaked out on him at the last minute.

Nah, I'm just kidding.

He actually FINALLY meets up with her, sure enough. 

Okay, so go figure...Girl actually finds Boy charming, in a nervous
sort of way.

And best of all (and that's from both of their perspectives, for what
it's worth), Boy pretty much plunked down his entire life savings to
take Girl to some fancy-pants steakhouse that rhymes, ironically
enough, with "Youth's Bliss".

Obviously, Girl senses a solid opportunity to have a "nice friend".
And one who gives her stuff, no less.  All the better.

And hey, Boy seems to be all about giving her whatever she wants,
purely out of the goodness of his heart.  No worries.

So, just as sort of an "insurance policy", Girl is sure to turn on the
"feminine wiles", presenting herself to be just about as sexy as
humanly possible.

And thus the cycle begins and continues for days, weeks or even
months depending on how long it takes Boy to finally get over the
delusion that he might actually get to kiss her someday.

(What, you were expecting more?  You've got to be kidding.)

What happened here?  Boy got monopulated by Girl, that's what.

Not only did Girl manipulate the boy into giving her exactly what
SHE wanted, they had an "exclusive relationship".

In this case, that means the "relationship" was "exclusively" about
meeting HER needs.

Her needs monopolized his attention.  Boy didn't get any value out
of the transaction (and that's exactly what it was), unless you can
somehow include "getting to be seen with a hottie".

(And If that qualifies as a balanced relationship where everyone is
deserving what they want, then I strongly encourage you to call me
for live 1-on-1 coaching right now.)

Need another example, just to be sure?

OK, here goes.   

This time, Boy meets Girl as before, but there's a different twist.

Boy thinks Girl is "okay", but since he hasn't been seeing much
action lately, he goes ahead and decides to hang out with her
just for the heck of it.

Meanwhile, Girl feels her biological clock ticking, and is on a
mission to find a husband with a quickness.

Girl finds Boy to be a "nice" guy.  He appears to be good "husband
material". 

And to her utter joy, she can't help but discern during their first 
meeting that he really isn't finding it so easy to get a girlfriend, for
whatever reason.

Following logically, Girl guesses that Boy must be pretty desperate
for sex.

This delights Girl to no end as she perceives it to play directly into
her favor.

Therefore, Girl turns up the flirtation and hints just a bit (i.e. just
enough) that she could be sexually interested.

Boy gets hot under the collar.

Girl makes it perfectly clear that she's looking for a marriage
minded guy and isn't going to "give it up" until she's in a committed
relationship.

So, of course, guy declares a civil war on himself inside his own
head.  The battle rages between the "just make her your girlfriend
and have sex with her already" faction and the "but dude...she's not
exactly what you're looking for, is she?" faction.

But the last thing Boy thinks to do is walk away.  After all, he really
dreads having to "start all over again".

A week later they're going steady.

But five weeks later they're still not going all the way.

Nevertheless, three months later he stumbles into a jewelry store
that rhymes with "Jails" and buys a diamond ring...on a payment plan.

They have sex.

A week later they go ahead and buy a house together.

Six more months later, the princess wedding of Girl's dreams
happens, probably because that's how long it took to plan it.

Boy wakes up on the second night of the honeymoon in a cold sweat.
He wonders how this all happened so fast....or AT ALL, for that
matter.

She stops having sex with him, except when absolutely necessary. 
Is it because she senses he really doesn't want to be there?

Who knows?  But they still have mortgage payments together, and
he's still making payments on the ring.

You got it...monopulation.

With that, you now have two examples.

Now, to be clear--and as a pre-emptive strike against the e-mails
some of you are probably already typing--let me drop two quick notes
on you.



1)  Monopulation is NOT GENDER SPECIFIC


We as guys can monopulate the heck out of women also, if we're
opportunistic Idiot/Jerks (aka I/Js) and they're as weak-willed and
desperate as Boy is above.

But this is a newsletter that's primarily written for men, so all of you
ladies who are reading this anyway are going to have to keep
that in mind for now.

Suffice it to say, however, that any man who dangles "relationship"
in front of a woman who sees him as Prince Charming just so he can
add her to his Booty Call Harem (aka BCH) is a monopulator.

And just as importantly...



2)  ...all male/female relationships are NOT lousy with monopulation.


Come on, now.  You're talking to a married dating consultant here.

Of course I believe that men and women can, and should, embark upon
healthy relationships together.

But solid relationships that last are usually built between two people who
are both choosers, without a chaser in sight.

It's when you have a chooser who has found a "live one" in the form
of a chaser that monopulation-related problems potentially arise. 

There's a severe risk in that scenario that the chooser may not be
able to resist the irresistible urge to monopulate the chaser.

So then, what's the simple (but not always easy) solution to ending
monopulation forever? 

Deserve what you want, of course. 

That always involves being the kind of man who the woman you want
is going to want in return.  But it also involves being able to select the
right kind of woman instead of the wrong one.

So enough already about how we can completely starcross our
interactions with women by painting ourselves into the monopulation
corner, right?