[X&Y] Reverse One-Itis? (Reader Question)

Published: Sat, 03/18/23



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IN THIS EDITION:  If a dog chases a car, what does he do if he
actually catches one?  Who knows, right?  

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COFFEE IS OVERRATED


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That's a $97 value...times four.  But each book is still under
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Want to know exactly how the "big four" I keep talking about
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How about if you're wise to all of the "three simple words" and "bypass
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All four are a bargain, of course.  By now you've come to expect tons of
bang for the buck from me.   

Remember, you don't even need to have an actual Kindle device to
read them.  Amazon supports just about every platform for free
nowadays (which is super cool).

Now let's talk about a very specific concept that I've been hearing
a lot about from many of you lately...



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QUESTION FROM A READER:  REVERSE ONE-ITIS


Hi Scot:

Thanks for all the advise you give me, through your newsletter and
podcast. i truly appreciate having the opportunity to become a
better man and have more success with women and dating.

My problem however is the following:

I've been seeing this woman for a bit more than a month now. I
started seeing here because she is really interesting and
beautiful. she is a bit older than me which is great, but I kinda
thought that it would prevent her from getting to much into me.

Well it didn't and although I was straight with her from the
beginning, saying that I did not want to be in bf / gf relationship
she wants to and she's pushing for it. she will see me without me
being committed, but i feel bad blowing her off from time to time.
she is really nice and i don't want to become the man who does not
care about her feelings.

on the other hand becoming a better me is time and energy consuming
for me and i want the freedom to learn and experiment at this time
of my life.

My question is:

Is me thinking "I have to end this to protect her from getting hurt
and destroying the basis of a possible friendship" a limiting
belief?

Once I've been straight with her, do I need to trust her to make
her own decisions for herself? Or do I have to take responsibility
at this stage of our relationship?


Thanks for reading,

Maury (Lausanne, Switzerland)



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That is an outstanding question, Maury.

"Limiting belief" is usually a term reserved for a negative way we
view ourselves that others don't necessarily share.  How's that for
a very simple working definition?

Having enough character to sever a romantic relationship when the
woman is falling in love--and you are not--hardly fits that profile.

That's right...it's a high character move to tell a woman that you
believe that another man will appreciate her much more than you
ever could.  

Some guys would keep stringing a woman along regardless of how her
feelings are affected--just as long as they are "getting laid" from
the transaction.

That's a poverty mentality.  Men with options, such as yourself,
should definitely take the lead when a woman is beginning to get
too emotionally involved.  

If you don't share that emotional involvement, the only way to act
in everyone's best interest is to free her to invest her emotions in
a man who is more available in that regard.

This is no shame on you, by the way.  Men fall in love too quickly
with women all the time, and women are usually pretty good about
severing things when appropriate.  

Yet somewhere along the line we as guys often decide that women
"can't handle the truth".  I mean, we REALLY don't want to make her
cry or anything.

Rest assured when I tell you that women are generally MUCH better
at handling the truth than we give them credit for.  What's more,
they appreciate truth much more than being led on.  

Delivering her the news in a way very similar to how I demonstrated
above (i.e. that another man will appreciate her more) is a solid
way to do so.

This is because it does not place a value judgment on the
situation, does not insult her, and does not make her feel as if
she isn't "good enough" for you.  There's integrity and dignity in
that approach, both of which are moral imperatives.

Alternative ways to phrase it effectively could include, "I'm
freeing you up to find a man who is going to be more emotionally
involved, like you deserve", or "Ultimately, I believe there's
another guy who's better for you and will be everything you want
him to be."

I've used all of these examples effectively in the past.

Now with all of that said and done, you have to make sure that your
decisions are definitive.  You shouldn't affect such a breakup
unless you are sure of your intentions (and the reasons behind
them).  

As such, to turn back to her based on her desire to persuade you of
such must be something you decide against up front. Promise yourself
you'll stand firm no matter what happens.

Sure, she may get emotional.  She may bargain with you in ways that
supersede any manner of "testing" she's ever put forth, which when
it happens is a breathtaking display of what happens when you don't
give your power away.  

Or, if she's especially wise yet determined, she'll calmly turn on
her heels and leave without much elaboration...but will call you two
or three days later to see what the temperature is after you've
"slept on it" for a few days, presumably by yourself.

Be ready for those potential responses so that you aren't snared.

Thanks again for your question.  It was a fantastic one.


Be Good,

Scot McKay




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