[X&Y] Is How You Talk To Women Killing Your Chances?
Published: Fri, 03/24/23
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IS HOW YOU TALK TO WOMEN KILLING YOUR CHANCES?
They say that some ridiculously high percentage of communication is
non-verbal.
That percentage varies based on which study you read, but one
thing's for sure: It's not just the words you use themselves that
matter.
By now you've heard about the importance of body language and such,
but today I want to address another specific piece of the puzzle that's
crucial to get handled.
That's the inflection of your voice when you're talking to women.
"Inflection", of course, refers to how you deliver your words. The tone
and cadence of what you say is a big part of "non verbal"
communication.
Now, I'm not altogether convinced it's a coincidence that "inflection"
is just one letter off from "infection". After all, the inflection many of us
use when talking to women is pretty sick indeed...and not in the good
way.
In fact, I don't think it's too strong a statement to say that "infected
inflection" could be one of the most widespread "hidden detractors"
that keep men from getting anywhere with women.
Have you ever been left in the dust wondering what on Earth went
wrong with a woman? You feel like you SAID the right words, made
the right moves, etc.
"Infected inflection" might very well be the culprit.
I've known for ages how powerful this factor is, but it wasn't
until a recent coaching call with a Ten-Plus guy that I was left to
ponder the full-on gravitas of it all.
My friend on the telephone and I had just about everything going
for him in life, except he couldn't quite get women to return his
calls as consistently as he would have liked.
A few days prior to one of our sessions he'd gathered up the nerve to
approach a very confident hottie who had just gotten off of her
1000cc sportbike.
You can pretty much picture the scene. A firebreathing superbike
pulls to a halt outside, off comes the helmet...and she brushes back
her long, flowing black hair.
Very nice. But let's face it, that's not exactly the least intimidating
woman in the world to approach. She'll likely have a zero tolerance
policy when it comes to wimpy dudes.
Sure enough, our hero approaches her, makes conversation with her,
and gets her number. Outstanding. So far, so good.
He calls her a couple of days later and leaves her a voicemail.
But he gets no response. Even after 48 hours.
She had seemed interested when he met her, so he was wondering
what he could have possibly said in a simple voicemail to crater his
chances.
I asked him to tell me what his message to her sounded like.
When I heard the words, a few too many of them were "just". And
as you've read from me before, that doesn't generally work in one's
favor with regard to talking to women.
And there was that infamous "Heyyyy...." at the beginning, which
betrays trying too hard.
But what hit me between the eyes was the inflection of his voice as
he recounted his message to her.
Suddenly, I knew why she hadn't returned his call.
I recommended waiting about another day before leaving her a
second voice mail, figuring she'd likely not answer the phone since
that first message had disinterested her.
I also suggested some very concrete changes in how he talked as he
left the message.
Two days later, she returned his second call and they happily went
out together.
What made the difference?
To give you a concrete answer, let's consider the story of two
vehicles from my past.
The first was a certain 1998 Dodge Durango. Since I wanted one
of the first ones that rolled off the assembly line back when they
came out, I went ahead and got a black one rather than waiting an
extra couple of months for my first color choice.
But two years later when it was time to sell it, its color became a
liability. I lived where it got to be 110 degrees in the summertime.
Nevertheless, I had my eye on a shiny new vehicle of a completely
different type, and I desperately wanted that Durango out of my
garage.
The key word in that last paragraph is "desperately".
So I posted an ad in the paper.
Finally, after what felt like an agonizing wait, a call came in.
On the other end of the line, a low and decidedly monotone voice
announced, "I'm calling about the Durango."
Immediately, I launched into eagerly describing every feature of
the truck and went on about how it was in such great shape, had low
miles, etc.
***click***
Huh? But I made the truck sound so good.
Now if I'd had my thinking cap on, I would have learned a valuable
life lesson from about a year earlier.
That was when I found myself needing to sell a certain firebreathing
1000cc sportbike of my own.
It happened to be a '98 Yamaha YZF-R1 carrying factory serial
number "000199". I found out later bike #1 was actually "000100".
After a year-long wait for one of the most anticipated new
sportbikes of all time, my local Yamaha dealer had handed me the
keys to the very first one in the entire state of Texas.
Four months later, the factory still hadn't delivered many bikes at
all...even though demand was MASSIVE.
Mine had under 500 miles on it, was in perfect shape...and
unfortunately, it needed to be sold.
So I posted it in the Cycle Trader magazine.
And man, I knew as soon as the issue hit the stands because I was
suddenly inundated with calls...even though I was asking $2000
over the MSRP for the bike.
A guy from Ft. Worth--an 8-hour drive from where I lived--was
first to reach me.
He called me, anxiously asking questions and exhorting me to
please not sell the bike until he could arrive at my front door in
nine hours with a pickup truck and a cashier's check.
In a low and decidedly matter-of-fact voice, I replied, "OK
man. Make it happen and I'll be here."
Nine hours and fifteen minutes later my bike was his. He had
paid every penny of my asking price.
Now ask yourself, who was in control during each of those
respective conversations?
Sure...it was whoever had more options.
So let's consider for a minute the last time someone tried to sell
you something that was in LOW demand. You know, something
you may not have wanted all that much anyway.
What was the inflection of the salesguy's voice?
My guess is he talked fast, possibly in a higher pitch than he
might during "normal" conversation, and that each sentence ended
with an upturn in the tone of his voice.
And you quite probably detected he was trying to be particularly
"nice", as if he was walking on eggshells to keep from scaring you
away (and therefore losing a potential sale).
What you were hearing was the voice of a desperate, needy man
whose family needed food on the table.
Okay, so now consider the last time you went somewhere to happily
buy the newest, latest and greatest iPhone, video game or AMG
Mercedes.
What was the inflection of that salesguy's voice like?
My guess is it was more calm and reserved. Maybe he even gave
you bold, direct answers to questions you asked. No walking on
eggshells necessary.
No matter what, there was no fear of loss to be detected anywhere.
You may have even forgotten he was paid on commission there for
a second.
Indeed...he wasn't really "selling". His job was simply to help YOU
buy, assuming you were actually fortunate enough to get there on
time before his supply ran out.
So now let's get back to my friend and "Moto Chick".
What was the difference between our hero's first (unsuccessful)
voicemail and the second (successful) one?
The difference in his voice inflection was exactly the difference
between the first salesguy's voice and the second one's voice.
That's all it took. The words themselves were very similar in
meaning, but the inflection was cured of its infection.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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