[X&Y] What He Said Made Her LESS Interested <-- Don't Make These Mistakes

Published: Mon, 03/27/23



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IN THIS EDITION:  Are your chances with women
being ruined by the very words you use during your
interactions with them? 

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It's interesting.

Despite being told how impossible women are to
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when they say certain things, hoping that'll help.

Unfortunately, that's likely to do more HARM than
GOOD.

Here's the thing...

Virtually every list of "female phrases decoded" I've
seen only shows you how to concede power...

...which may make sense in the moment, but ends
up making her LOSE attraction for you.

Worse, those lists focus mostly on what women say
when they're already angry at you.

At first glance, that makes sense. Most of us as
men only get around to looking this sort of thing up
when there's already a crisis afoot.

But what about handling tense moments in a way
that REALLY works...and is a "win/win"?

What's more, what about understanding women
enough to make them THRILLED and EXCITED
for you to begin with, instead of pissed off?

Most of all, what about EVERYTHING ELSE having
to do with understanding women other than simply
figuring out what her WORDS mean?

If I know anything, it's that women LOVE men
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS


Hey Scot,

I'll send you the last email I sent to this girl I met online.  Not
sure, what to make of it.  I've invited her to meet several times
now, and she keeps postponing.  She says she doesn't want to
rush into anything because she has been "burned before
through Match".

Some things I noticed on my own, is that I repeated myself on the
"give destiny a little shove".  I wrote the email in a hurry and
that is what happened.

I really appreciate this,

Bart  (Pharr, TX)


-----Original Message-----
From: [withheld]@aol.com
To: [withheld]@aol.com  [Ed note:  I didn't realize there were two
people left on AOL?]
Subject: Please read ASAP....let me know.


So, guess what, I just finished purchasing 4 out of the last 5
tickets available to the "Thingy".  Not sure if we are meant to
meet or not, you may need to give destiny a little shove.

There is one final ticket left for the event.  I want to reiterate
that I was hoping we could meet prior to this, but now that this
might be the first time we meet, I think about it and it should
actually be rather fun.

I am not sure if you will be able to read all of the info so I will
summarize it for you:

Its a wine taster for the 4th annual [UNNAMED] Festival.
Its at the [ANONYMOUS] Cafe in Pharr from 6-9 on Friday,
and my friends from [INSERT BAND NAME HERE] will be
performing.

I encourage you to call the [ANONYMOUS] Cafe (Please don't
ask for tickets to the "Thingy"), if anything so you can verify
that I am not lying and there truly is one final ticket left, their
number is [555-1212].

By the way I wouldn't mind buying it for you (My house is walking
distance from them), if you decide on making it and the ticket is
still available.

I was thinking about it and there might be a good chance of
actually getting to know each other, if I am not mistaken they are
also going to have an outside market that day.  I want to ask what
class you are taking in person (I'm going to wait for the answer).

Hope you can make it, sum up the courage and give destiny a little
shove.

~Bart



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OK, Bart:

First off, I have to give you a heads up ahead of time.  There's
a lot of "tough love" in what follows.

But this is a good solid opportunity to see exactly how neediness
and self-consciousness tend to conspire together for disaster.

I sincerely trust that breaking down this interaction will bring about
a major breakthrough for you, because I'd love nothing more than
to see you experience the wild dating success I know you have
coming to you.
 
So let's dive right in.

She's putting off meeting you for three main reasons: 

1)  Attraction has not been created.

2)  You're so eager to meet her that she already knows you're
at her beck and call.

3)  Your plan is flawed

She can put you on the back burner while testing the waters with
other men who seem to have more options, and are therefore more
interesting.

That's often called "breadcrumbing" these days, and it's based on
the psychological principle that people desire more that which they
perceive as harder to obtain.

People who are easy to get are strung along by popular people
with options.  It's as simple as that.

Then, the simple truth is she doesn't know you yet and hasn't
been given any real reason to be hot for you.

Throw in that she isn't even really sure what she's being invited
to and her hesitation is perfectly natural and easily explained.
 
So, with the foundation established, what about the email
exchange itself?

First, objectively speaking, there's no way a woman gets online
and starts telling every guy that she doesn't want to rush things
because she's been burned before on the site.

That excuse is as easy as falling out of bed.

But the plain truth is nobody joins an online dating site to avoid
meeting people unless they've got bizarre issues.

So what really happened here?

Well, let's talk about your plan first, since that's the relatively
painless piece of the puzzle.

At the practical level I'm wondering why you've already
bought four tickets and are asking her about the fifth if your
intention is to get some "quality time" with her.

Even if you bought them for someone else who'll pay you back,
she's thinking this is a gathering of friends, none of whom
she's likely to know.  That's going to come off as a weird plan
to her.

Also, be advised that when you take a woman to see friends of
yours play a live show, it's your friends who will seem attractive
and "alpha" to her, not you.

Don't be surprised when she asks you to introduce her to the
band, all with a giggly smile and a finger in her mouth.

But far more importantly than all of that, you have pushed
majorly in this e-mail, and that comes off as way too desperate.
 
The offer to buy her ticket for her "IF she decides on making it"
inherently indicates that you typically have to cajole people into
hanging out with you, while also implying that you actually
expect disappointment.
 
You mention "giving destiny a shove" twice, which I understand
was an editorial oversight.  But that is a desperate, needy
request even if uttered once.

Your insecurity about even knowing if you two are meant to
meet is clearly admitted in the first line where the phrase appears.
But when the theme of "giving destiny a shove" is continued in
the final line, there's even a somewhat insulting charge that she
lacks courage herself.

Projecting weakness onto someone else, though subtle in this
case, is amplified by frequent contextual indications of inner-game
issues of your own.

This may seem an esoteric concept at face value, but think
through the steps involved as if penned in an email to you and
you'll actually be able to feel the emotion I'm describing.

It's almost as if you're hoping she might possibly have the same
issues you do lest you be overshadowed by HER personal
strength.

And indeed, this message is replete with earmarks of insecurity
throughout.

All 13 of the following were lifted from the example you provided:
 

"not sure if"

"I want to reiterate"

"I was hoping"

"we could"

"this might be"

"it should actually be rather fun"

"I am not sure if"

"if anything so you can verify that I am not lying"

"I wouldn't mind buying it for you"

"if you decide on making it"

"there might be a good chance of actually getting to know
each other"

"if I am not mistaken"

"hope you can make it"
 

There are yet a few other phrases in there that could be argued
as more subtle indicators.  But you get the point.
 
Although all of those phrases should disappear from future
mailings (and from your interactions with women in general),
the real clincher was encouraging her to keep tabs on you to
make sure you weren't lying. 

Why invite that level of disrespect if your own inner game is
in order?
 
I'm not sure where use of the word "thingy" came from, but
even if SHE came up with this impromptu moniker for your
proposed get together, it's not a very masculine thing(y) to
have to write into an e-mail. 

It would take a unique masculine personality to pull off using
such words in e-mails, and even if you are that guy she doesn't
know you well enough for that yet.

If she IS calling your potential meeting a "thingy" then it
already appears she's so mildly interested that she has made
no effort to even remember what exactly you had planned--
assuming she could figure out the details, as mentioned above.
 
So how can you improve in the future?
 
Pragmatically speaking, here are several steps you can take
RIGHT NOW to project more confidence and leadership into your
e-mails to women. 

By the way, this all applies equally to live conversations,
especially when making the initial approach:

 
1)  Eliminate all doubt.  Replace it with assumptions of
acceptance until proven otherwise. 


Examples could include, "I trust" in lieu of "I hope", "This is a
great opportunity" instead of "There might be a good chance",
"I believe I'm correct in saying" instead of "If I am not mistaken"
(note the clear affirmative there as opposed to hoping to avoid
the negative), "Looking forward to meeting you there" as
opposed to "Hope you can make it". 

The examples I give sound a bit too formal or cordial in context,
but you can convey the same attitude in a more casual tone.

Whatever's congruent with your true personality.
 
However worded, be sure of the quality of your plans, and be
confident about the outcome of your live introduction to each
other.
 

2)  Remember that by "assumptions of acceptance until
proven otherwise" I'm essentially describing a BALANCE
between spineless wishy-washiness and a hard-sell tactic. 


If you tell her you need to know "ASAP" and talk about "giving
destiny a shove" at all, it's as if your impatience is driven by the
distinct possibility in your estimation that she'll change her mind
if left to think about it all long enough. 

In those cases the balance has swung the other toward the
"hard sell". 

Both extremes signal lack of confidence, but a balance between
the two is just right.
 

3)  No reiteration.  I realize this was mistaken in the case of
the "giving destiny a shove" line, but you've got to ride herd
on that. 


Ironically, you've just uncovered yet another great reason (among
many) to keep e-mails to women you've never met brief.

Talking in circles telegraphs that you are used to being ignored,
and therefore have fallen into the habit of feeling the need to
repeat things several times just to get your message across.

Leaders are used to having people hang on every word, and
therefore hardly ever have to make a point twice, unless for
dramatic or didactic emphasis, usually in the context of a formal
setting.  
 
By the way, this goes for announcing that you're repeating yourself
(e.g. "I want to reiterate", "Once again, I want to tell you", "In
case you forgot", etc.) or for when you simply say something more
than once "give destiny a shove".
 

4)  Never assume someone is thinking negative thoughts
about you.


Such is the habit of those who think negatively about themselves.

If you make a statement, assume it will be accepted as factual
based on your demonstrated level of character. 

If you tell someone you'll do something, assume they believe it
shall be done.

This is how you build a track record of character from minute one.

If you are used to being taken at your word, it will come through
in your attitude. This is like magic, but a very real phenomenon.
It's all part of inspiring confidence.
 

5)  Finally, don't be afraid to take the entire interaction less
seriously. 


Have some fun. Inject some humor. 

If she calls the event a "thingy" you may poke some fun by over
dramatizing the event as an intense, cataclysmic all-important World
Summit Of International Wine Tasting just to highlight the irony of
it all.



Remember, all of this is beside the point if you don't actually
HAVE the inner confidence you need. 

You can't "fake it 'til you make it".  That just doesn't work.


 



 
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