[X&Y] On The Porch Waiting With A Shotgun
Published: Sun, 07/09/23
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WILL SHE BE YOUR DREAM WOMAN,
OR A NIGHTMARE?
What's the most important decision you'll
ever make?
Sure, figuring out where to go to college and
what career path to pursue are both pretty
major.
But both pale in comparison to choosing
which woman to spend your life with.
Think about it. Education is ongoing. And you
can change careers--which most of us will,
several times.
But when you get married, it changes your life
profoundly. And the ripple effects of your
selection go on and on and on, probably
FOREVER.
Marry the WRONG woman, and your life WILL
become a living hell--all the way until the
expensive and humiliating divorce finally
happens, and even beyond if you have
children together.
But if you select the RIGHT woman you'll
enjoy all the benefits of a blissful life with her
--including (but not limited to) amazing sex,
faithful companionship and a warm, inviting
home.
Studies even show that guys who are happily
married are healthier, wealthier and actually
live up to ten years longer.
Yes...this is the most important decision of
your entire life, yet--incredibly--most guys
make it blindly.
But what if you had all the wisdom and
"20/20 foresight" you needed to all but ensure
you chose the RIGHT woman?
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Or maybe you haven't ever been married
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You've GOT to make the right decisions.
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ON THE PORCH WAITING WITH A SHOTGUN
Not too long ago, while driving straight through overnight from
Memphis home to San Antonio, Emily and I found ourselves with a
straight highway ahead and calm, moonlit skies overhead.
So we started talking about our lives together, both now and in the
future.
And as we did, we played a random string of smooth, dare I say
romantic tracks over the sound system.
Somewhere along the way, after several classic "quiet storm" R&B
numbers had set the mood, John Mayer's amazing song "Daughters"
began to play, right as a brief lull in our conversation framed it
perfectly.
It had been a few years since I had actually heard that song, and I
had forgotten how much I liked it:
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
When you have a daughter someday, will you be one of those guys
who plans to buy a shotgun when she turns 14?
Or will you be confident that she'll have the skills and presence
of mind to make solid decisions and attract great guys to be her
boyfriends in school, and ultimately find a terrific long-term
partner someday?
Show me a guy who's shopping for firearms as a "boy deterrent"
and I'll show you a guy who pretty much views women as potential
sex objects and nothing more.
How's that?
Well, we as humans tend to project our view of the world on
everyone else...as if somehow that's "the way it is", generally
speaking.
So if we view women primarily as a means of sexual fulfillment,
we'll likely assume that every boy our daughter meets will be after
"only one thing".
And see, it's not that we won't CARE about our daughters.
It's just that John Mayer sort of hit the nail on the head:
Daughters will love like we do.
That goes for how they love THEMSELVES and how they love US,
as well as whoever it is they eventually fall IN LOVE with.
And they will DEFINE "love" as we do, and go about finding it
in the way we demonstrate.
This is for real.
For example, the truth is I don't really need to know if a guy's
packing heat on the front porch or not.
I can tell how guys feel about women in general by how their
daughters feel about them.
You see, your little girl will probably have no problem recognizing
that she's a red-blooded human being just like you are...capable of
bestowing any number of amazing gifts--feminine or otherwise--
upon this big, wonderful world.
But if you've been a primarily sex-focused guy, your worldview
won't only be projected onto the GUYS in her life, it just might be
projected onto HER.
And she'll resent you for that, realizing she has so much more to
offer.
Want a quick "head check" to see where you really are on this?
Ask yourself this question. Will your expectations for your
daughter's future success be any different than if she were your
son?
If so, it could be because when you get right down to it, you view
HER primarily in terms of her sexuality, as you have every other
girl you've known.
But since she's your daughter and you love her in a different way,
you think more in terms of "protecting" her from the "predatory"
sexual advances of all the boys out there.
Daughters will love like you do.
If, on the other hand, you have long-since recognized the
incredible depth that women can bring to your life beyond sex
itself, then you'll love your daughter perhaps no less or no
more...but DIFFERENTLY, indeed.
Your "big four" masculine presence will inspire her rather than
limit her.
She'll understand the power of her femininity from a more holistic
perspective--especially if you've been in her life all along to
MODEL how that works in your relationship with her mother.
You'll expect, encourage and indeed EMPOWER her to greatness
rather than causing her to feel she simply needs to stay away from
"getting into trouble" with boys.
In fact, if you've really got a solid handle on all of this, you
may even look forward to her experiencing a healthy sexual
relationship with a great guy someday instead of loathing it.
Look man, this may all sound preposterous, but if you've thought a
certain way your entire life, you can't expect to have the birth of
a baby make an overnight difference.
Meanwhile, why do some dating coaches recommend going after
women who had terrible or even non-existent relationships with their
fathers?
Because you can get them into bed FAST in many cases, that's
why.
Never mind the fact that such women often have terrible or even
non-existent self esteem. This is the "use 'em and leave 'em"
mindset I'm referring to here.
Sure, this may sound like the ultimate "get laid quick" genius plan
right now. But you may have a daughter someday.
And daughters will love like you do.
So what's it going to be? Are you going to view life as it happens
six inches away from your face, or are you going to take the
longer-term view of a much wiser man?
If the latter, your reward will be much richer...I promise.
On the other hand, women who love and respect their dads make
better long-term partners.
A BIG PART of why a woman would indeed love and respect her
dad is exactly because he didn't imply--either consciously or
subconsciously--by how he treated her that she was a "sex object".
Instead, he modeled what finding a great guy is going to look like
for her someday.
He brought the "big four" to the table instead of simply putting
food on it, like some dad's tragically believe is their only real
"job".
And in turn both the little girl AND her mom were simultaneously
empowered. Both were inspired to bring joy, love, laughter,
nurturing and caring into the circle.
So not only will a great wife bring happiness and joy to your life,
you can bet that your daughter will very likely always be a source
of great pride to you as well.
Don't kid yourself.
You may have heard the incredibly unfortunate news a while back
about a porn star who was beaten to within an inch of her life by
her MMA fighter ex-boyfriend who legally changed his name to
"War Machine".
My strong suspicion is that her Dad wasn't a strong positive
influence on her, if he was there at all.
No woman deserves to be treated so poorly...ever. And don't kid
yourself, a great father is the very best medium through which that
message is taught to a young girl.
Daughters will love like you do. Your influence means better
decisions on her part later.
Nothing breathes life into YOUR being, having effectively led as a
real "big four" man, than to have the women you love--be they your
lover or your offspring--lavish your world with feminine gifts:
Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart
Man, it's no wonder that John Mayer has a history of attracting
some seriously amazing women, right?
So if you are a father to a daughter right now, let this newsletter
speak to you. You MATTER...big time.
And if you're not a little girl's daddy just yet, you may be
someday.
How you view your interactions with women now will not only
decide what your long-term relationship with one (if any) will look
like, it'll shape what kind of father you are.
And it's a 50/50 chance that when you become a father, it'll be to
a daughter.
My wish for you is that you'll look forward to it rather than
dreading it...either way.
After all, as the father of both a son and TWO daughters now,
and step-dad to another son, I can tell you first hand that they're
all amazing and special in so many multi-faceted ways...as is my
relationship with each of them.
And the truth is, all four of them--regardless of gender--will
indeed love like Emily and I do, and that will be largely dependent
on my lead as the man of the house.
Indeed, as we motored into the moonlight somewhere between
Texarkana and Dallas our four kids--the two boys and yes, two
precious girls--were sound asleep behind us.
I couldn't help but think that with a pair of dating and
relationship coaches for parents they would each have every
opportunity to at least have a great shot at getting the male/
female relationship thing right in their lives...all four of them.
And we're certainly not only wishing the best for them, we're all
about actively demonstrating how to make that happen.
Who knows? Maybe at least one of them was just pretending to
be asleep, watching Emily and I share some quality "windshield
time" together...
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