[X&Y] Who Should Pay On Dates?

Published: Wed, 07/12/23

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WHAT'S INSIDE: Once and for all, let's answer
the question of "who pays" when you're on a
date with a woman.

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"GREAT NEWSLETTERS. WHAT ELSE IS
THERE? WHAT DO I DO NEXT?"


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See you there...



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WHO SHOULD PAY ON DATES?


In some ways, I wonder how the question of who pays on dates
ever got to be such a controversial one.

But having thought about it, I'm pretty sure it's all due to the
fact that there are three different factors that tend to influence
the discussion, at least from our perspective as guys.

Complicating matters is that each is only loosely associated to the
others, at best:


 
1)  We have no idea what women really want anymore


In light of so many women wanting to come off as "independent" in
today's society, would they actually be offended if we offer to pay?
Or are they more offended if we don't?  It seems like a "lose/lose"
scenario.


 
2)  We really detest the dreaded "gold digger" types


We've been coached by some alleged experts to never pay a woman's
way on a date...ever.   After all, if we open up our wallets we
simultaneously open the door to "gold diggers". 

So basically, we're taught that unless you want to become some
chick's "walking ATM machine" you'd better make sure she pays her
own way...always, no questions asked.


 
3)  We have this thing for taking women on dates that cost money


We're so firmly entrenched in the "dinner and a movie" meme that we
don't even consider that there are ways to completely avoid this whole
awkward mess that occurs when the check comes.



Notice that I didn't include "we're cheap" into that list of factors.

But whatever tends to go through our minds when planning dates and
when confronted with the resulting bill, one thing's for sure:
This has all become WAY more complicated than it ever had to be.

That's right...I said it.

The whole matter of "who pays" when a man and a woman get together
should be very simple to figure out.

Here it is:  Whoever invited the other to join him or her should
pay the bill, unless some other arrangement is agreed upon ahead of
time.

I mean, think about it.  This concept transcends the narrow sub-niche
of "dating" and covers just about any type of human social
interaction at any level, doesn't it?

Picture this, for example.  Your buddy calls you and says you should
join him for the MMA match on pay-per-view at his house tonight. 

When you get there he puts a cold one in your hand and you watch
the fight.

At the end, he says, "Yeah, uh...that'll be $32.99 for the event and
$6.99 for the brewskis.  Thanks for covering this one, man."

He's got to be kidding, right? 

Nobody should invite you somewhere and then blindside you with the
bill for the whole thing at the end.  Ever.

So what makes us think we should invite a woman out to some
national chain restaurant on a first date for a "nice dinner", only
to pause and see if she picks up the check at the end?

And here's a better question.  Why do we think she's a "gold
digger" if she doesn't?

I hear one of you asking now.  "But Scot, shouldn't you just split
the check?"

That's a fair question.

Let's answer it based on two different scenarios.

First, if you're still thinking you need to take a woman out
somewhere "fancy" (read: "ludicrously expensive") on a first date,
then sticking her with half the bill is really just as much of a
slippery slope as sticking her with the whole thing.

After all, it wasn't HER idea to go there if you invited her.  She
straight-up might not be able to afford her half. 

Don't laugh...this scenario really happens.

I've heard of more situations where the guy asked the waiter to
split the check on "shock and awe" dates than I have fingers to
count them with.

If you're still falling for the trap of trying to "impress" a woman
by taking her somewhere expensive, then you're going to need to
follow through with paying the bill for your (probably wasted)
effort...and you'll need to pay the whole bill.

OK, so how about a completely different scenario where you just met
a woman for coffee or a quick breakfast?  Should you split the
check then?

Let me answer the question by asking another question:  What would
you do if you were out with a friend or two?

Would you seriously get separate checks or would one of you just
pick that one up, and somebody else can get it next time?

Unless you and your friends are all uptight cheapskates, it would
be the latter.

Now, never mind the fact that if YOU suggested that a woman meet
you at Starbucks you should pay the ten lousy bucks for two
coffees.  (After all, the one who invites is the one who pays,
right?)

Think of it this way instead.  How dorky are both of you going to
feel standing there in line making "small talk" while paying for
your separate coffees?

Why do anything to create awkwardness when you're meeting a woman
for the first time...or for the fiftieth time, for that matter?

Keep it clean and neat.  Drop the ten bucks, for Pete's sake.

Otherwise, besides creating unnecessary awkwardness you really do
come off as a man who lacks the ability to handle a situation
effectively. 

The fact that you don't exactly seem like a man who knows how to be
a "provider" just adds insult to injury.

Remember, just because women are hard-wired to be attracted to a
man who is a provider doesn't mean they're money-hungry.

So as you pay for her coffee or breakfast, it's not really fair to
think of her as a potential "gold digger".  She may very well have
been willing to pay her share. 

The point is that by picking up the tab yourself you made sure it
didn't even become an issue to begin with, and that sends a
masculine message.

It's important also to remember that a woman is also NOT a "gold
digger" if she simply accepts your invitation somewhere and allows
you to pay the bill.

It is what it is: you invited her, and she decided to join you.
It's really just a social situation like unto any other.

Whoever invites should be the one who pays.  So it follows
logically that if you don't want to PAY for anything, invite her
somewhere that doesn't cost anything.

That's a "no brainer" if there ever was one.

And make no mistake, you don't have to pay to have a good time
getting to know a woman.  Be creative.  Think outside the "dinner
and a movie" box.

I do want to offer a couple of caveats here.

First, I'm not going to pretend there aren't any "gold diggers" out
there at all.  

If a woman makes strong suggestions that you take her somewhere
expensive (let alone take her on a "shopping date"), drop her like
a bad habit and run away.

Trust your instincts there.

Similarly, be careful not to fall into the trap of legitimately
starting off at an inexpensive coffee shop, only to have the woman
say something like, "My blood sugar is dropping, let's go to dinner
after this.  I'm craving [insert moderately expensive restaurant name
here]."

Should you agree to that, you can expect to pay the bill at the
restaurant also.  She'll tell you she didn't bring any money
because you invited her...which is really only half true at that
point.

Be the man.  Be the one who sets the flow for dates you invite women
on.  If it's meant to be a brief coffee date, stick to the plan.

If she plays the "I'm hungry" card then finish your coffee, tell her
you wish her well and free her up to go get something to eat herself. 

(By the way, are you beginning to see the "hidden" reason here why
picking up a woman for a date and asking her where she wants to go
is such a brutal mistake?)

Here's what it all comes down to, guys.  Taking women out should be
fun.  Why turn it into an "us vs. them" situation?

Keep your plans low-key and don't quibble over spending a small
amount of cash if need be. 

In turn, you do indeed have every right to guard yourself against
manipulative or self-centered women, even as you expect to meet
high quality ones.

And a high-quality woman will not only say "thank you" in
appreciation for your generous invitation, she may also invite YOU
out once she feels attracted to you and safe in your presence.

For example, she may say, "This was fun.  Next time I want to take
you to MY favorite place...my treat."

That's not only a great sign that she "gets it", it's also a solid
indicator that you've met a truly terrific woman.

And when she follows through, absolutely do let her have the joy
of treating you.  She'll appreciate that you know how to receive
such a gift from her without a fight.


 
 

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