[X&Y] The #1 Way Men Screw Up When They Meet Their Dream Woman

Published: Fri, 07/28/23



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IN THIS EDITION: How about we completely re-arrange some
established "meet women" advice?  

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READER QUESTION: "SHOULD I PUT ALL MY EGGS IN
ONE BASKET?"


Hi Scot,

I've got a question.

I'm currently "casually" seeing a girl from home. I go to college
in a different place to her so I only really see her at the
weekends.

Although we are not exclusive, since I've been with her I find
that I'm not really interested in any other girls.

There are a few problems with this because I know the wisdom in
not putting my eggs all in one basket.  

I am wondering what to do because I am also finding my confidence
reduced and my insecurity about this situation increased--although
I know enough not to act needy or anything like that, even if I'm
feeling it.

I think from her end, she probably thinks that everything is fine
and it's just fine and casual.

But do you think I should end this relationship if it's causing
internal (and imagined) distress even if I like her and she likes
me?

It's probably not far off from "one-itis" (shudder LOL) but the thing
is she likes me too.

If I am to end it I would want to do so in as masculine a way as
possible, if that is possible. How would that even be done?

There can be no reason to end a decidedly good situation except
for me wussing out!  That throws masculine out the window LOL.
 
Anyway, I'd appreciate any advice you'd have.


Cheers,

Gordon  (Cardiff, UK)



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OK, thanks for bringing up a great topic, Gordon.

Unfortunately, the objectively basic "paint by numbers" approach
of teaching beginners how not to screw up with women leaves very
little gray area (as does "paint by numbers" in real life, I suppose).
 
As such, the teaching includes such pearls of wisdom as "avoid
one-itis" and/or as you mentioned, "don't put your eggs in one
basket".  
 
All of this is nice entry-level advice if you are a supplicative
wimpy guy who tends to fall in "love" with anyone female who can
fog a mirror, whether she likes him back or not.
 
The problem arises when we take this kind of teaching in the
overarching, more general sense.

What happens then?  

A guy like you or me meets a woman we like very much.  Far more
than the others we've dated.  

And she likes us back...a lot.  

So we're under the impression, because of what we've read elsewhere
that we should BREAK UP WITH HER?
 
This is the part where somebody scratches the needle across the
record while the music's playing...bringing it all to an abrupt
stop with a "WHAAAT?"
 
Since your "main squeeze" lives where home is for you, and you see
her every weekend, I'm hard pressed to call this a long-distance
relationship.  So I think you should be GLAD you've found a woman
you can potentially keep around long-term.  

And she apparently likes you back.  This is not a bad thing.  

In fact, this is what most guys DREAM of.

And besides, whenever I've read about the condition commonly
known as "one-itis" it's usually in the context of a man falling
for a woman from afar, regardless of any real interaction with
her at all, let alone an actual relationship.
 
I mean, going to college and experiencing the feeling that the only
woman you really want is the one YOU HAVE?  That's about as good as
it gets, and almost NO guys ever get to have that in their lives.  
 
Why am I so sure about what I'm saying?  

Well, many years ago I was in your situation almost exactly.  

Instead of manning up, I broke up with the girl of my dreams
because my own weakness and jealousy pissed me off.  

Not only did some other guy snag her up literally the day after
we broke up, he married her.

That was a great woman...and I screwed up.  

So when I met Emily seventeen years ago, you can bet I didn't
make the same mistake.  

I let all the other women in my life go--by choice--and have not
looked back.  

After all, I dated enough to know who I wanted.  And when she showed
up, I didn't have room in my schedule anymore for the other women I
had been dating.

This is all about having 100% control over your dating life and
having the FREEDOM to make the decisions you WANT to make...
when and only when the time is right by your own standards.
 
Quote:  "There can be no reason to end a decidedly good situation
except for me wussing out!"
 
So thereby you have my support for an answer you've already
provided to your own question.

You don't sound like a man who is weak.  You sound like a man who
is hypersensitive about looking weak.  

Fair enough.  Why not LEAD as a man, then, and go make sure you
deserve what you want from your relationship with this woman and make
it happen?

If it doesn't work out, you at least exercised an option that was
uniquely YOURS.  

And my guess is that you'll be strong enough a relationship manager
to continue making long-term decisions from a position of strength
even if it's within the context of a long-term exclusive relationship.  


Be Good,

Scot McKay




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