[X&Y] This Time It's Definitely Her Fault, Not Yours

Published: Fri, 06/02/23



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IN THIS EDITION:  Lately I've been getting
emails from guys who are beating themselves
up over some pretty bad dates. Here's the
good news for them and for YOU too: It's not
always YOUR fault.

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THIS TIME IT'S DEFINITELY HER FAULT, NOT YOURS


A part of me feels seriously weird about writing this newsletter.  

After all, I'm the guy who usually tells you to ignore the marketing
hook that says, "it's not your fault."   

Feeling like a victim (and subsequently acting like one) is
decidedly NOT the way to improve with women, or in any other area,
for that matter.  A "big four" man takes responsibility and makes
things happen rather than waiting for things to happen to him.

But all of that said, there's another angle to all of this.  

Sometimes when we hang out with a particular woman and things don't
end well for us, it's easy to blame ourselves for whatever disaster ensues,
especially given the prevailing societal message that women are to be
placed on a pedestal and men are generally lousy at "behaving
themselves".

I'm sure you've felt that awkward twinge during a date and asked
yourself, "Is it me...or her?" Just about all of us as guys have been
there before.

Well here's the deal: Sometimes it really is her.  And no, "it's
not your fault".

So here we go with a light-hearted (read: "dust off your sense of
humor") look at six classic examples of dates gone wrong where
you can feel absolutely free to leave the scene of the infraction
feeling like an innocent man:



1)  The "Hidden Agenda"


As a man, you should show up for a meeting with a woman with a
well thought out plan of action.  

Obviously it helps if you've paid attention ahead of time and
figured out what kind of things she may like. Extra points if
you've got her security and overall comfort level with you in mind
all the while.

High quality women generally like it this way.

But sometimes, a woman will come along who wants to throw the
proverbial wrench in the works.

You show up and--surprise--she has her little sister tagging along.

Or you agree to meet for drinks. Then suddenly she announces she's
hungry and suggests you move to a restaurant, where she orders the
most expensive item on the menu only to have "forgotten her purse".

When she agrees to a date with you and then fails to respect what's
expected in terms of the plan, don't feel bad about failing to yield.   

Reasonable adjustments for good cause? (e.g. she's allergic to
Starbucks) That's fine. But when you feel like you're getting
played by the "switcheroo", not so much.



2)  Single-Sided Conversation


By now you've heard me suggest that getting a woman to talk about
herself is a great way to keep conversation from falling flat.

Typically, you should be able to ask an open ended question or two
and expect things to roll rather easily from there.

Except sometimes you're only going to need to ask one question.
Possibly even none at all.  

From there she'll just start talking. And talking.

If you are on a date with a woman and can't get a friggin' word in
edgewise with a crowbar, don't feel the need to be a martyr over it.

Dude...women talk about "communication" all the time. If she
dominates the conversation to the point where you're just
dumbfounded to the point of dizziness within ten minutes, then
that's just "uni-munication" or something.

Often this situation results in a man feeling as if the date can't
end soon enough. If ten minutes causes dizziness, a half an hour
of being subjected to this kind of torture could trigger a wanton
slaughter of brain cells by the millions.

Don't feel bad about ending the date in the name of salvaging your
intelligence.  It's okay.



3)  Failure To Excite


This one is sort of the opposite of what I described above.
Sometimes you can be your typical charming, easy-going and even
humorous self and all you'll get in return from her is stone-faced
silence.

When this happens your first thought may be to work just a little
harder to get her to "open up".

Well, take it from me...sometimes even the "Jaws Of Life" wouldn't be
enough to extract a personality from a woman like that.

You'll probably feel the dark, ominous cloud of awkwardness hanging
over the situation.  

Oddly, she probably won't. After all, she's perfectly used to this
stuff.

Given her apparent comfort with it all, you may start to feel 1000%
sure you must be messing up.

You didn't. She's simply boring you stiffless.  

And that's her prerogative, I suppose. But it's yours not to ask
for a second date.

Perhaps ironically, she'll probably have had a great time and be a
bit disappointed. Go figure.



4)  "All Men Are The Same", Etc.


Back in college I once met a girl on campus and took her out on a
date right then and there. She was terminally cute and very sweet,
at least at first.

Once I got her talking over lunch, she got on a roll that soon escalated
into an emotionally-loaded tirade about how 1)  all guys are jerks,
2)  I'm a guy, 3) therefore I'm a jerk, and 4) she's storming out and leaving
me alone to finish my cheesesteak.

Seriously, it was like watching a 100 lb., female, and much better looking
version of John Belushi perform a classic "but noooo..." bit from Saturday
Night Live.

I never saw her again, and really didn't give it a second thought. For what
it's worth, I finished her cheesesteak too. (Hey, I was 20 and about 130
pounds soaking wet back then.)

Gentlemen, you are NOT any random woman's ex-boyfriend, nor are
you any other creep who has done something evil to her in the past.

Therefore, you should not be expected to pay the price for some other
guy having messed up

If your intention is to be a "big four" man who treats women right,
then you need not subject yourself to unreasonable expressions of
jealousy, mistrust, bitterness toward men, emotional dysfunction,
etc.  

This holds true whether you are on your first date or 500th, by the
way.

You're not that guy, so don't let her get inside your head enough
to flip a switch that causes you to start thinking you are. Move on.



5)  Positively Negative


Some women hate all sorts of things. They'll spout off about
co-workers, family members, the economy and Donald Trump's hair.

Maybe she'll even verbalize how she expects the date you're on to go
badly, or that you probably don't like her or something.

When this sort of thing is going on, that urgent need for Pepto
Bismol you're feeling is perfectly natural. Don't blame yourself.

Now, you can feel free to alert such a woman that her negativity is
starting to get to you.  You can ask her to lighten up a little. And to
your surprise, she might.

But notwithstanding that, assuming you've led with a positive
approach to things, don't feel like you've inspired all this ill
will, let alone deserve to endure it.



6)  False Advertising


No discussion of this type would be complete without mention of the
most dreaded of all online dating experiences.

You know what I mean. She's not "as advertised" when you meet her.

Listen up, guys. If a woman misrepresents herself in any way
online and you're confronted by an "elephant in the room" when
your date arrives (or possibly two?), it's okay to deal with it in
any respectful manner you see fit.

Anyone who misrepresents him or herself online is going to have to
learn the hard lesson that one generally cannot get away with that
once the real-life meetings start happening.

So if you want to mercifully end the date then and there in such a
situation, go for it. All I'd ask is that you not completely BLAST the
woman.  

Sure, she wasn't exactly honest. But then again, you should read
the e-mails we get from people whose entire self-image has been in
the gutter for a full decade or more because of one bad experience.  

The date isn't going to end well, but don't crush her like an
aluminum can. That's both unreasonable and unnecessary.

Just tell her that having met her you were expecting someone a bit
different and that you think someone else will appreciate her
better than you will. 'Nuff said.

If you have planned a "date with a deadline", which you always
should when meeting someone for the first time, you may actually
benefit from going through with the date and learning what you can
from it with regard to how to relate to women, etc.

But whatever you do, don't let her manipulate you into a second
date. If you aren't attracted to her, it is what it is. You're not a
"bad guy" because of it.



I'm sure some of these made you smile, either because you can
relate or because, well, you've got to find humor in certain
situations in order to effectively survive them.

But each of the half-dozen points I shared are ones that Emily
actually harps on quite a bit with the women she writes to. Rest
assured, there's something to them.

So be on the lookout for these situations, realize that all women don't
necessarily have honorary doctorates in "dating science", and give
yourself a break.

Oh, and whatever you do, make sure YOU'RE not the perpetrator of
any of these faux pas...that is if you even realize you're doing so.  

Now go out and meet some women...and I'll talk to you again soon.


 
 



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