[X&Y] How Often Should You Text Her? (Where's The Balance?)

Published: Tue, 06/13/23



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IN THIS EDITION: We hear a lot about the
dangers of calling women too much. But how
can you make sure not to let the pendulum
swing too far the other way?

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QUESTION FROM A READER


Hi Scot,

I don't think I'm taking enough advantage of the ability to ask you
questions as a Power Sessions member.  I've been thinking about
this one for a while now.

Most of the advice of all the dating gurus and even girls
themselves tell you that "you shouldn't be calling a girl all the
time".  I tend to heed that advice and not call a girl very often,
especially in the beginning of getting to know her.

It doesn't seem that hard for me to do because I usually don't feel
the need to call a girl everyday.  And I tend to be busy doing
stuff during "prime calling hours", so I have to consciously make
special time to be calling anybody during a weeknight.

If I didn't, girls would be getting calls at 11 at night, and I don't
think they'd be happy with that.

However, it often seems as though the relationship with the girl
just fizzles out over time.

So, as an experiment, the last girl I went out with I tried to call
her a little more often than I felt comfortable with.  I was
surprised when the result was actually positive.

And on top of that, even though I was calling her more often
than I felt comfortable with, she even told me that she wasn't
sure if I liked her or not because I didn't call her very often.

After I started going back to my pattern of not calling her very
often (and not calling her during the holidays), the relationship
fizzled again.

However, I felt less and less like calling her since she would
return my calls, but would never initiate a call to me.  I used that
to gauge how often she felt comfortable with me calling her,
therefore the calls were made with less and less frequency.

After getting a phone number, I'll usually wait around 2 days to
call her.  After going on a date, I'll usually wait like 4-7 days
to call or e-mail her again.  Subsequent calls/emails are usually
like a week or more apart.

I'm comparing this to other gurus' advice of 7-9 days between
calls, and I feel I should be OK.

But I'm starting to think that maybe it's too long.  Or maybe I'm
not waiting the correct amount of time at the right stages of the
relationship.  Too short and she runs, too long and it fizzles.

My question is, can you give me some guideline with how often I
should contact a girl (phone, email, text), and how that time
period changes as I get to know her better?


Thanks!

-Brendan  (Lake Elsinore, CA)



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Hello Brendan.

Yes...I recognize your name from the Power Sessions mailing
list and I don't hear from you nearly enough.  So I'm glad you
wrote me and you've brought up some excellent points.

First of all, let's level-set the calling timeline issue.

I don't agree with the 7-9 day waiting period.

It's an overreaction, in my opinion, especially if you don't have
needy, clingy tendencies.

And that goes for whether you've just gotten her number or
you've already been seeing her for a while.

Let's face it.  Most highly desirable women you happen to get a
number from will have written you off as too indifferent (or even
too scared) to call by then, if they remember you at all in this
age of Dating App Syndrome.

If you have already been on a date with a woman and would like
to see her again, then 4-7 days is similarly too long to wait.

It's going to come off as "game playing" to women even if you
aren't much into phone conversations.

As a rule, people put a higher priority on conversing with people
they are actually attracted to than that.

So then, how DO you figure out how much phone time to put in?

The other day I was reading something from a "lady guru" when
something caught my eye:  "If we like a guy, we're perfectly happy
to hear from him six or eight times a day.  If we don't, then if he
calls us even once a week we're creeped out."

It's really all about how much attraction you've created when you
were standing right there in front of her...even before the telephone
calls get rolling.

So here it is.  When you know she is interested in you, you've
got to give her a break and call her sometimes.  Otherwise, your
perception is dead-accurate:  She'll think you don't like her.

Imagine if the tables were turned.  If she was cavalier about talking
to you, wouldn't you begin to think she was somewhat disinterested?
Men and women are really no different in this regard.

Some mainstream men's dating advice talks a lot about guys calling
too much and being "clingy" because, truthfully, that's the best
"one size fits all" advice for most of the guys out there starting
from square one.

But if you truly have that part handled and have overcome all
symptoms of "neediness", then the right thing is to do your part
to let the woman know you at least like her back.

My thought in this case is that if you FEEL like it's starting to have
been a bit long since you've talked to her, you're probably right.

It's time to call.  Put it off longer and you risk disillusioning her.

Worse, that's when they'll turn their attention to the other guy out
there who gets all of this right without overdoing it.

By the way, if you aren't much into the phone, you're not alone.

Plenty of guys share your sentiments there.  In that case though,
it's all the more important to make doubly sure to inform women
about that up front and make sure she knows you aren't kidding.

"Set the expectation" as they say in the sales world.


 
 

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