[X&Y] She's Angry

Published: Thu, 09/14/23


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WHAT'S INSIDE: She's angry at you
and she's venting, for sure. But what is
she REALLY saying?

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SHE'S ANGRY, BUT WHAT IS SHE REALLY SAYING?


This morning I received an e-mail from one of the guys who
has been getting great results from his Ten-Plus program. 

That message started such an interesting discussion that I had to
share the details with you.

Basically, my friend (let's call him "Mike") has been discovering
more and more of his own natural attractiveness to women and is in
turn becoming WAY bolder in his interactions with them.

This is getting more women into his life than ever, of course. 

I've lost count of how many guys I've talked to for whom THE major
issue is simply recognizing and believing that more women are
already attracted to them than they think.

They need to be confident of that, and LEAD.

You know, as in, "Relax and have fun...the girls love you."

Well, in Mike's case he has already gotten to the point where he is
approaching women and confidently starting conversations.  And he's
much better at figuring out when they're attracted.

The next step, logically, is to cut out any semblance of "settling"
and only allow the women he genuinely feels strong attraction toward
into his life.

Invariably, this means giving certain women the "just be friends
talk" or, as was the case this past weekend for Mike, telling a
woman things just aren't going to work out, friend or otherwise.

Unfortunately, Mike made a rather crucial error in judgment.

He updated his status on Facebook with "Just broke things off with
her...looking forward to what's next."

Suffice it to say one must never, ever hang one's dirty laundry out
to dry on Facebook or Twitter. 

You've got to remember that everyone can (and will) see what
you've written on there.

Seriously, if you've ever wondered if anyone really reads your
social media missives, all it takes is posting the WRONG one to
give you a lightning-fast reality check.

So, guess what?  One of Mike's female friends from back in high
school took the liberty of writing him and letting him know what
she thought of his "update".

Taking a good four or five solid paragraphs to make her case, said
former female classmate proceeded to tell Mike about how
"insensitive he has always been", leading women on at first only to
leave them hanging later. 

She told him he was self-absorbed and narcissistic, unable to tell
when a decent woman was in front of him.

And, of course, she was sure to throw in the inevitable zinger
about how Mike was clearly still too "picky", and how being "such a
perfectionist" was all but certain to guarantee that he'd die alone
someday.

Pretty heavy stuff for someone who hasn't been heard from for at
least a decade, right?

Well, in Mike's email to me he reprinted the Facebook message from
his high school friend and told me he was "pretty devastated" by it.

From his perspective, the message represented how he "still had a
lot to learn" about relating to women, managing relationships,
and--yes--even being a decent human being.

But all I saw, despite the unfortunate Facebook error, was overall
progress. 

I saw the difference between a guy who was blind to the attraction
he had sparked in girls back in high school and the "new look" Mike
who was now in control of his dating life.

The key here is that when YOU are calling the shots, there are
going to be women who aren't happy with your decisions. 

Let that sink in for a minute or two.

Then, recognize that this is a clear sign that you are a chooser
instead of a chaser. 

Perhaps ironically, if you chronically "fail to deploy" and never
ask any women out, you're still a chooser. 

"No decision" is still a decision.  It's certainly not chasing.

That was the "choice" Mike had made throughout high school.

But on the other end of the spectrum--with all the variations
of "chasing" women by seeking their approval, putting them on a
pedestal, etc. in between--is the guy who boldly engages women and
still calls the shots.

Amazingly, whichever of the two styles of "choosing" you're perhaps
currently engaging in, you're disappointing women--one way or the
other. 

Any time there's a particular woman who wants a romantic
relationship with you and that doesn't happen, there's
disappointment.

The fact that some women may be disappointed sucks, but that's just
the way the ball bounces when you finally stop being the one who
women "dump" and start choosing instead.

Think of it this way.  If you've ever seen the (hilarious) movie
"Fear Of A Black Hat" you're probably familiar with this line:
 
"The difference between a [be-otch] and a whore, is that the [be-otch
sleeps with] everyone BUT you."

Hello...everyone is human here. 

And just like YOUR attraction can quickly turn negative when YOU
feel rejected, women are no different. 

Isn't it amazing how strong positive emotion can be flipped over
suddenly with equally negative strength?

Well, when you're making the decisions about who stays and who goes
in your dating life, the truth is you've just got to be ready for
that.

And nevertheless, you've still got to make the hard choices. 

You'll want to be as respectful as you are direct when calling
things off with a woman (e.g. "I don't think we're a match, and
there's another guy out there who will appreciate you more than I
ever could."), but you've still got to endure that unpleasant
moment for the overall good. 

Otherwise, well...you "settle".



===ANGRY MESSAGES TO I/Js===



Here's a caveat though.  Not ALL angry messages from women are
rooted in disappointment, per se.

If you lie, cheat or play games with women in a manner that
disrespects them you may encounter well-placed anger and resentment.

If, in fact, that's the kind of angry emails and phone calls you
are getting then you've got to check yourself.

After all, we don't need any knuckleheads on this planet leading in a
manner that causes more and more perfectly decent women to become
jaded and bitter towards men in general, do we?

The first of two simple metrics I would use to measure whether a
guy has been an I/J ("Idiot/Jerk") to a woman as opposed to
disappointing her is this:  Is the message written TO him or AT him?

A woman who is disappointed because she wishes things would have
turned out better will be angry because you didn't choose her.

She still adores you and thinks you're great, it's just that she's
feeling besmirched, crestfallen and any other such appropriate
but underused twenty-five cent term you can think of.

So generally, she'll rant about your poor decision making skills,
"cluelessness" about "knowing a great woman when you see her",
chide you for "wasting her time", and likely take a decidedly
sarcastic tone in "wishing you luck at finding someone better".

Contrast that with a woman who sends you an itemized list of every
reason why you're the nastiest, slimiest, most evil sleazeball west
of the Pecos. 

The personal attacks on your character are a sign you may have
pegged the rev limiter on The Jerk-O-Meter.  Ouch.

Ultimately, though, women who really think you're flat-out evil
are equally likely to just slam the door (or the phone) and never
friggin' talk to you again. 

So you've got to have a read on a particular woman's personality
type here.

Since we're all individuals, you may occasionally encounter a
disgruntled woman who calls you names and stuff even when she's
VERY disappointed you no longer have romantic intentions. 

Remember this famous saying from 17th century poet William
Congreve:  "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor
hell a fury like a woman scorned."

Yeah well, look up "scorned" and get the nuances of the word and
you'll suddenly realize just how profound a thought that was.  Bill
clearly had some experience with angry women.

So the second yardstick by which I would measure where a woman's
sourcing her anger from would be this:  The more she writes, the
more she cares.

The longer the rant, the more emotion she had invested...and perhaps
the more she wishes things had worked out more favorably.

Take all of the ideas I've shared with you today and consider them
in the future as you hold any angry message you receive from a
woman up to the light. 


 
 

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