[X&Y] Are You In An Exclusive Relationship Without Even Dating Her?

Published: Wed, 10/04/23

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WHAT'S INSIDE: You're committed to her, but not actually dating her.
...What?

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ARE YOU IN AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT ACTUALLY
DATING HER?

There's an old, old stand-up routine that's been around for so long
that nobody can even remember who first came up with it. It goes
something like this:

"Ah, yes. Back in school there was a girl named Sally. She was

the object of every schoolboy's fantasy, including mine. I dated

her for a year and a half...without her even realizing it."

That's pretty funny stuff, thanks to a bit of comedic irony and a
twist toward the unexpected.

But what's decidedly NOT funny is that some of us actually DO
something very similar.

What?

That's right. Tons of guys all over the world find themselves so
obsessed over ONE woman that they willingly forfeit any chance of
meeting and dating someone else.

They spend so much time thinking and scheming about how to make
her their girlfriend--regardless of what she thinks of the idea--that
they overlook real possibilities with other women.

And sometimes that obsession is so strong that it drives fear of
even approaching her...resulting in a situation that's EXACTLY like
what the joke is poking fun at.

It's been called "one-itis" elsewhere.

And while I'm not quite ready to concede that we as guys aren't all
that likely to get the woman we want the most, I do think it's high
time to address the particularly dysfunctional ramifications of
obsession over one woman.

Clearly, if you're really, really into a particular chick so much
that she's all you can think about you're already on shaky ground.

After all, women are attracted to men who have ambition--men who
have a clear purpose for their lives.

But when any woman BECOMES that "ambition" or "purpose", you
can't expect her to get excited about it.

All of the sudden the weight of that is transferred back onto her,
as if she's responsible for fulfilling YOUR "life purpose"...as if
SHE'S got the masculine role of bringing it to fruition.

Imagine the similar effect of a black hole imploding upon itself
and you get the idea of what results. What gets sucked away,
ultimately, is her sexual attraction.

Notwithstanding that, if you're so crazy about a woman, you really
have to DO SOMETHING about it.

Ask yourself this simple question: What will ultimately hurt more
over the long-term, her potential "rejection" or the fact that you
never had the guts to find out what would actually happen if you
showed interest in her?

Now, as dire as the situations I've already presented sound, I
actually think there's an even more subtle form of this whole
"one-itis" bit that's particularly insidious.

Believe it or not, I've actually seen guys stay obsessed over one
woman to the exclusion of all others when she's clearly
UNAVAILABLE.

Heck, she may even KNOW about the dude's interest in her...but it's
still never going to go ANYWHERE, either for circumstantial reasons
or because she's flatly said so.

What in the world, right?

Actually, as cockamamie a scheme as it sounds, the problem creeps
in via one of two seemingly "logical" routes.

First, it may sound reasonable in the guy's mind to avoid showing
interest in other women (let alone dating them) in order to PROVE
to the woman how "serious" he is about his devotion to her.

Or second, he may tell himself he's got to keep from getting caught
up in a relationship with another woman so he can "be ready" when
and if she's single again, etc.

When you see this brand of "twisted logic" written in black and
white, you can readily see how silly it all sounds.

But this is what many of us as guys put ourselves through.

Why? Because we don't perceive ourselves as having OPTIONS.

We don't see ourselves as having CONTROL over our dating lives.

It's got to be that ONE woman, or nobody.

A man who is a "chooser" rather than a "chaser" has power over who
he is interested in and who he falls in love with.

Granted, he may find himself preferring one woman over others, or
encounter a situation where his first choice among women is
unavailable.

The thing is, however, that desire doesn't paralyze a "chooser".
He recognizes that options must be either pursued if available to
him, or let go if they're really not.

And if an option turns out to be a "non-option", then he moves on
to spending his time in more productive ways.

Yes, "one-itis" can definitely present itself in manifold forms.
But no matter what, a man with power over his dating life doesn't
fall prey to obsession over a woman overpowering HIM.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

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