[X&Y] What To Tell Her If You Lack Sexual Experiece [Reader Question]

Published: Sat, 10/14/23


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IN THIS EDITION: More guys than you think remain virgins well
into adulthood.  If not sexually experienced, how does a guy handle
the issue with women he meets?

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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
 
 
Dear Mr. McKay,
 
I'm pretty old (38) and still a virgin. This is for a number of
reasons. (Part of it is my past religious upbringing, which I have
since rejected a while ago.)
 
What do you recommend in regard to what to tell a woman about this,
when one is pretty old and still a virgin? Should one openly
volunteer to tell her that one is still a virgin? Do you recommend
lying and saying that one is not? Should one just not bring up the
topic? What if she brings it up and explicitly asks you?
 
In particular, if one is looking to meet women through online
dating, should one openly state that one is still a virgin in one's
first e-mail to a prospect (or even in one's profile summary)?
 
I'd like to know about the most effective approach. However, I
think that lying to get something you want from another person will
backfire in the long run.
 
Thanks in advance for any information you can provide.
 
 
Sincerely,
 
Rashid (Dubai, UAE)



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How's it going over in sunny Dubai, Rashid?
 
First, please call me Scot.  "Mr. McKay" is way too formal.
 
This is a question I get quite a bit, and my answer always
surprises guys.
 
Let's do some 'chick whispering' here.  Men tend to be pretty hard
on their peers who haven't been with a woman by a certain age.
This is precisely what causes guilt and shame for guys who remain
virgins into adulthood, I think. 
 
But women are wired very differently.  They typically aren't so
quick to judge a man by his sexual experience or lack thereof.  For
many, many women out there finding out you are a virgin would be
actually sort of exciting--especially if it's by choice.
 
Let me elaborate upon that last statement in two different ways.
 
First, it's my opinion that being a virgin is almost always 'by
choice'.  You didn't mention anything about why you've remained a
virgin even after your world view changed, but my guess is that you
could have had sex if you really, really felt it was the thing to
do.
 
Heck, you could have hired a prostitute.  But you didn't.
 
Even guys with severe social skill or hygiene issues can learn how
to relate to people, take a shower and brush their teeth. 
 
Women instinctively know this.  And as such, they can more readily
respect the fact that you haven't had sex than your buddies can.
For them, you may be a challenge (and that is usually a very good
thing). 

Plus, she'll look across the table from you and see a man who is
100% free of STDs and decidedly not a "man whore".  That's
something she'll feel comfortable in not having to worry about.
 
And make no mistake--the higher the quality of woman you are sitting
across said table from, the more likely what I'm telling you is
going to play out according to plan.
 
That all kind of casts a new light on the subject doesn't it?
 
For the second piece of the "big picture", let me ask you a
question regarding the very premise of what worries you.

You might want to sit down for this one, because it's likely to
rock your world a bit.  Ready?
 
If in a woman's eyes zero is an unacceptable number of sex
partners for you to have had thus far, then what IS "acceptable"? 

If the number could potentially be perceived as a large one, you'd
likely be equally if not more reticent to share that info with a
woman than you would that you're a virgin....right?
 
So how many women SHOULD you have slept with by now in
order to get all the women to love you?

Two?  Five?  No more than, say...seven?
 
Give me a shout if you can agree that's a preposterous concept to
even consider.
 
What I'd love to encourage you to do is be proud that you've
remained a virgin and kill the shame. 

Shame SUCKS. 

But identifying limiting beliefs and eliminating all of the sources of
shame in your life ROCKS.
 
I realize this isn't going to happen instantly.  There's a habit of
feeling sorry for yourself that has to be re-framed. 

But if you take what I'm telling you seriously to heart, I bet you
can revolutionize your outlook on all of this a lot faster than you
think.
 
And by the way, you owe no woman any personal information of any
sort in your very first e-mail to her (let alone in the profile
narrative).

In fact, even the first date should be devoted to simply measuring
whether you and a woman are getting along and having fun together.
 
I really don't think you need to ever force the issue. 

If it comes up naturally in the course of conversation after you
and she have known each other for a bit, then so be it. 

Keep your head up and speak about it confidently.  Don't overdo it,
or you'll look insincere.  But by no means hang your head
sheepishly as if ashamed.
 
One caveat here is that the woman may very well not want to pursue
anything further with you...not because of YOU but because of HER. 
 
Your virginity may be more intimidating that you've ever guessed to a
woman who is perhaps ashamed of her own sexual experience.  Have
you ever considered that possibility? 
 
Such is what begins to occur to us when we are able to get out of
our own heads for once.
 
I'm reminded of a guy I know who struggled with the same issue that
you are currently. 

When he summoned the courage to proclaim his virginity to the woman
he had been seeing for a few dates, he was pleasantly surprised to
find out SHE was one also.

From then on this amazingly sharp woman was virtually addicted to
him.  And that's a true story--and one that I've seen replicated
elsewhere, no less.
 
Deserve what you want, man.  Captivate a great woman with your
character.
 

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