[X&Y] Sick Of Playing Games? Read This...

Published: Thu, 08/17/23


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IN THIS EDITION: Just about everyone who's
been dating for any length of time says, "I'm
sick of playing games"...but not everyone
defines said "games" in the same way. See
if YOUR definition of "game playing" matches
up with mine.

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SICK OF PLAYING GAMES? READ THIS...


Recently I received an e-mail from a woman that I found
particularly fascinating.

The gist of it was that she had met a guy she liked, and since she
really, really wanted to stop "wasting time" and find a "marriage
minded" man, she told him after a week or so that if they were going
to continue spending any time together he needed to make her his
steady girlfriend immediately.

The guy had flatly responded that he wasn't interested in rushing
into exclusivity quite that fast, and (basically) that she needed
to back off.

Yet she pushed...and not in a subtle way.

So ultimately, after another week or so had passed, the guy told
her that he had a lot going on with family, the Holidays, etc.; and
that he decided they needed to take a couple of weeks off from
seeing each other.  

He was clear that they were not breaking up, necessarily.  It's
just that he thought they needed some "breathing room".

The woman, clearly upset, mentioned that she was "sick of his game
playing", and asked me what to do.

And then, she closed her e-mail to me with the following:

"I am not contacting him and I'm busying myself as I wait for his
call--even though I'm planning to ignore his first call or txt at
least!"

OK, so here's a pop quiz:  Who's zooming WHO here?

If you happen to be thinking I've just asked you a "trick question",
here's a surprise.  It really isn't.

Intrigued?  Read on...

Here's the thing.  Yes, your first inclination may have been to
answer, "It all depends on how you look at it."

But let me give you a hint as to what I'm about to share with you:
If she's looking for validation, this particular gal just might
have asked the wrong person about her situation.

I happen to be from Texas.  And here we make it a point to be
honest about what we're thinking about doing, and then we DO
what we SAY we're going to do.

In other words, here in Texas we don't play games.

So then, let's break down what's going on here.

Now, it would appear that the woman who wrote me--either consciously
or not, mind you--has defined "game playing" as "not giving her what
she wants...right now".

So because the guy she's been seeing is NOT as interested in moving
as quickly into a steady relationship as she is, he's viewed in her
mind as "playing games" with her.

She might have all sorts of imaginative ideas as to what sneaky
things might be on his mind instead.

But the simple fact of the matter is that he has told her exactly what
he's thinking, and my hunch is that you can take it at face value.

Ironically then, how HE'S operating would qualify under my "working
definition" as the exact OPPOSITE of "game playing", huh?

About now it would be useful to share with you my definition of
what "game playing" really is.

Having thought about it plenty, I'm going with this:

 
  Game playing = behaving dishonestly in a dating scenario under
  the pretense that the "end" of ultimately getting what you want
  will justify the "means"


Go ahead and read that again...just to make sure it sinks in.  

How about some practical examples?

Okay, here's one.  If you believe you've got to go out of your way
to make sure you don't look "needy" or "desperate", you may
artificially become temporarily "unavailable"...even if you're not
all that busy.
 
Or, if a woman you're seeing does something irritating to you, you
may give her a "taste of her own medicine" in hopes of getting her
to "come to their senses"...thereby curtailing her behavior without
being bothered by a potentially uncomfortable verbal confrontation.

And then there's the classic "disappearing act".  You start seeing
someone, but THEN meet someone slightly more interesting shortly
thereafter. 

You leave the first woman hanging for a bit while you see where
things head with the second one.

If after a week or two the second one doesn't work out after all,
you call the first one back saying you've been "crazy busy" in
the interim, which is why you haven't called.

I think you get the idea.  And to be sure, even though I've made
the examples in the second person, women most certainly can (and
do) play similar games with guys...including us from time to time.

And YES, in my opinion it's the WOMAN who wrote me above who's
"playing games" as opposed to the guy she's been seeing.   He's
been upfront and honest, and meanwhile her plan is to be
pretentious with him when (or if) he finally calls her again.

When people "play games", at least according the definition I've
offered here, they're essentially manipulating someone they
allegedly have positive feelings for rather openly, aren't they?

This brings up the good old concept I like to call TGR-R, or "The
Golden Rule, Reversed".

If you're new to this newsletter and haven't heard me talk about
it, TGR-R is a great way to protect yourself from being manipulated.

It works like this:  Whenever someone seeks to "do something unto
you", ask yourself if you would ever in a million years "do unto
others" in the same way.

If the answer is, "Not on your life" then don't put up with the other
person's shenanigans.

For the most part, it's a simple, elegant way to keep from getting
played like a cheap violin.

But here's an interesting twist:  Apparently, only some people
genuinely prefer to be told the truth when that truth is hard to
hear.

As I alluded to earlier, we in Texas indeed tend to appreciate that
sort of "directness".

Others elsewhere, I've noticed...not so much.

So if The Golden Rule for you means that you're direct with people
instead of beating around the bush, then TGR-R would indicate that
you NOT tolerate others who'd "pee on your leg and tell you it's
raining".

Then again, if you'd rather be shielded from the facts that you
might find difficult to swallow, then you're going to have to
expect "games"...at least by my definition thereof.  

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.


 
 

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