[X&Y] How Do You Show Interest Without Looking Needy? (Reader Question)

Published: Sun, 11/05/23

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WHAT'S INSIDE:  You're interested in a woman.  How do you let her
know without coming off as needy or desperate?

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HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MEET HER?


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HOW DO YOU SHOW INTEREST WITHOUT LOOKING NEEDY?
(READER QUESTION)


Here's a great e-mail from Power Sessions inner circle member Dan
in Portland, Oregon that I wanted to share with you. 

This gets to the very heart of a quandary that so many of us as
guys face: How in the world do you show interest in a woman
without coming off like some desperado who has pre-approved
her, especially if your not "Mr. Extroverted Party Guy"?

I mean, if you shower her with attention she'll likely not see you
as much of a challenge. But then again, if you completely blow her
off like a rusty muffler you'll never get anywhere either.

Here's Dan's story and my response:



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Scot,
 
I've met a woman I'm interested in at a class I am taking (let's
call her "The Blonde").  I could use some advice on how to play
this.
 
We met after class one night, about 3 classes ago.  I find her to
be extraordinarily pretty--great body and with excellent style--so I
imagine she gets a lot of attention from guys.
 
We were leaving the building together one night and I struck up a
casual conversation with her, which ended with, "Will you be at the
class that starts Saturday?  Great - see you then!"
 
She seemed friendly, sweet, interested and interesting.
 
That first Saturday class she never really looked my way, and I
didn't go out of my way to approach her because I didn't want to
crowd her or give my past tendency toward neediness a chance to
take control.
 
It happened that another attractive woman in my class and I are
striking up a friendship too, however I'm not really interested in
this one (let's call her "The Italian").
 
The Italian and I made plans for coffee after class within earshot
of The Blonde.  Perhaps this might have increased my value in The
Blonde's eyes, maybe struck a chord of jealousy?
 
So at the second class (today) The Blonde and I do not make eye
contact again.  The Italian happened to end up sitting next to me,
and we were chatty.
 
After class, I'm on the street corner with The Italian, and I see
that The Blonde notices us.  She looks lonely.  I imagine that she
might be wanting some connection.
 
We have this unresolved tension, and anything would be better than
being lonely and bored.
 
Plus, she might even see me as attractive, especially since my
attention has been otherwise occupied and she is probably used to
guys being all over her.  I wish I would have approached her then,
but I didn't.
   
The third and final class is next Saturday, and I'm feeling a bit
in the corner if The Blonde and I are ever going to get anything
going.
 
I don't want to come out of the blue and be all "hi!" since then it
appears like I've been intentionally manipulative (kind of, but not
really... I'm just trying to protect myself and be more conscious).
 
But if I don't, then I run the risk of missing out on a chance with
her altogether.
 
I somehow need to work up to the chance to get her phone number
next Saturday.  Maybe I've already messed up by not connecting with
her these past two classes? 
 
Any advice on how to play this?
 
 
Dan (Portland, OR)



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Hello, Dan.  Thanks for writing.
 
Remember, despite what you (or anyone else reading this) may have
read elsewhere, women are actually human.

So let's address your dilemma by putting the proverbial shoe on the
other foot for now, which I often find is very useful to do.

What would you think if you saw a woman who interested you talking
and laughing with another guy quite a bit?  Would you think even
for a second that she was more interested in YOU than in that other
guy? 
 
Of course not.  You'd take the situation at face value, which would
be perfectly reasonable of you to do.  After all, we can only go on
the information we're given.  We can't read each other's minds.
 
As such, The Blonde is very likely thinking you like the other girl
better, and she's going to accept what she sees as the truth.

She's not about to make herself appear needy and desperate by
trying to horn in on things between you and The Italian.

So you see, if you want her instead you'd better make that known to
her somehow.  You can't ignore her into your life, man. 

Here's what you need to know.

Importantly, being interested is NOT the same as being needy, at
least not necessarily.  The teaching that we should be
"indifferent" toward attractive women tends to be taken way, way to
far to an extreme by most guys.

Really that strategy is only meant to serve as an objective "head
check" to keep us from handing over our power at precisely the time
when we need to be a confident, masculine man.

You just can't let the pendulum swing all the way in the opposite
direction.  Like so many ideas pertaining to dating and attraction,
you've got to find a balance.

The best place to look for that, interestingly enough, is in your
typical interactions with women you aren't so potentially hung up
on sexually.

Think of it this way, for example.  Whatever attention you're
showing The Italian is working. 

The only thing that keeps you from giving The Blonde a similar type
of attention is that you perceive the stakes to be higher.

You don't want to screw things up, so your mind is playing tricks
on you. 

Meanwhile, since you really are a bit more indifferent about how
The Italian responds to you, your flow is a lot more natural...which
is always a good thing.

Can you see that balance there between showing SOME interest and
boldly creating opportunities to interact with a woman, but at the
same time being genuinely okay with whatever the outcome is?

As it stands, however, you're just playing games with these women
in hopes of somehow increasing your social proof with The Blonde.

That's neither natural nor attractive. 

What's more, the main point is to get to know The Blonde, not just to
prove your social value to her.

As Stephen Covey once said, "the main thing is to keep the main
thing the main thing".  

I really think we very often "strategize" ourselves into thinking
stuff has to be WAY more complicated than it really is.

So go ahead and trust that your personality works and that you're
potentially attractive to The Blonde.  Then, keep it real. 

Demonstrate masculine, confident interest in her without going
completely overboard and gushing compliments, especially about her
physical appearance.

That's probably what you've done to intrigue The Italian, and
that's what's going to work for The Blonde also. 

One caveat, however.  Please don't simply drop The Italian like a
sack of potatoes.  You've got to be cool to her and continue to
interact with her in a friendly manner, even if she isn't your
first choice.

That way you don't hurt your goodwill with her and can remain
friends.


 
 

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