=====

WHAT'S INSIDE:  Tyler was all set for a great weekend
visiting a woman in another city.  But then, THIS happened...

=====



OUTSIDE THE BOX


Obviously, if you're not attracting the women you want and
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want...all in as short a time as possible.



=====



READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS


Hi Scot,

This is an unusual question.

I recently reconnected with a woman who I know from my social
circle through Facebook. We started communicating a lot.

One thing led to another, and we made plans for me to come visit
her in Norfolk, VA - where she now lives - this Memorial Day
Weekend.

The closer that the date of my flight approached, the more cold,
bitchy and distant she got.

She never indicated that she was looking forward to seeing me,
asked about when I was arriving, where I’ll be staying, or any of
the normal type of questions you’d expect.

I’m highly confident that if you would agree that I did absolutely
nothing to bring about the change in her behavior towards me if
you read every text I sent her etc.

Then, about 36 hours before my arrival in Norfolk, I get this text
from her:

“I’m sorry Tyler I have bad news ... my uncle passed away and
the family is meeting at our home in Aruba to lay him to rest. I’m
not going to be in Norfolk. I’m so sorry.”

Of course I said all of the right things and said that I was sorry
for her loss and that she and her family have my condolences.

And I feel like you’re going to say that I’m a horrible self-
centered person for making another family’s tragedy about me
and that I need help etc.

But I’m dubious. Of course anything is possible.

If her uncle died, obviously he didn’t plan his death around my
trip.

But the whole family is flying to Aruba right before Memorial Day
Weekend to mourn his passing and lay him to rest there?

Do many Americans express a dying wish to be buried abroad?

She never even mentioned having a house in Aruba.

She also didn’t bother to ask how long I’ll be in town for. If she
had any desire to see me, wouldn’t she say something like,
“How long are you going to be in town for, perhaps you’ll still
be there when I get back?”

I know you’re probably going to say that she’s too grief stricken
to care about that. But is it completely wrong of me to even
think of that?

It could all be a really unfortunate coincidence. And I may be a
bad person to think it’s anything other than that.

However, it’s certainly true that if she wanted a bulletproof
excuse to not have to have anything to do with me despite
the plans I made to come and see her, and not have me
challenge her for the sudden change of plans, she now has
a perfect excuse.

Perhaps a little too perfect.


Your input please,

Tyler



=====



Hello Tyler, and thanks for writing.

The "family emergency" (aka "death in the family") routine is
absolutely, positively the "go to" excuse nowadays.

In fact, your letter gave me a great opportunity to write about
this sticky issue, as I've been meaning to for some time now.

This card is played whenever people want to flake vis-a-vis
relatively high stakes involved (e.g. plane tickets bought,
expensive non-refundable plans, leaving someone hanging in
an embarrassing situation to be solo, etc.)

The example you described fits the pattern to almost stereotypical
perfection, in that:


1)  The deceased person is just outside the immediate family, yet
close enough to warrant first priority.  Aunts, uncles and cousins
are typically cited.

Parents, grandparents, siblings and offspring are so close that
you might go out of your way to extend support, all the while
wondering how she held it together enough to even write you.

Now, were the alleged "family emergency" an accident, illness,
or some other sudden crisis, siblings or grandparents can
sometimes be cited...just as long as you do not have social
access to them.

But ultimately, "death in the family" works better to cancel
entire weekends, etc. that involve travel.  "Family emergencies"
of non-fatal consequence work better for canceling shorter
events like dates, meetings, etc.


2)  Out of town travel is involved.  After all, if it were local, you
could reasonably suggest a "break from the stress" that would
be more difficult for her to maneuver around.


3)  No names, exact locations or any other traceable details are
offered or given.


4)  There's no attempt to provide an alternate plan for the two of
you to see each other.


Really, this tactic has become so much the "new normal"
nowadays that it's on the verge of becoming a running joke.

The scheme is not necessarily a gender-specific one, but I have
noticed that women are FAR more likely culprits.

Not too long ago I hired four women to do an event for me.

All of them canceled on the day it occurred, and all four cited
some "family emergency" out of town.

Obviously, genuine family emergencies are thankfully rare in
most of our lives.

I can count the number of bona fide ones in our family over
the last decade or so on one hand.

Nevertheless, this tactic works so well because, as you've
experienced, it has the powerful psychological effect of
rendering the one who has been flaked on speechless.

There's no "nice" way to protest and/or express skepticism.

You'd feel like an Idiot/Jerk were you to even tacitly challenge
it, and you instinctively know she'd still have the upper hand
anyway.

It's pure genius, really.

After all, you'll excuse the absence of any clue this is going
on in her social media because her family must be concerned
about their privacy at the moment.

You're even left excusing her complete, utter lack of an
alternate plan suggestion because she must be "grief stricken"
and/or "all of that is insignificant in comparison".

It's not unlike the "I have a boyfriend" rejection when a woman
is approached by a man, only made weirdly perfect.

Now, exacerbating the real-world situation you presented is
the simple fact she had been growing colder, more distant and
less friendly toward you recently.

It's a safe bet she's been trying to figure a "nice" way out of
seeing you but you weren't helping matters by staying on track.

Ultimately, she hit the panic button--in the form of the standard
"family emergency" bit.

Yes, it's rooted in pure cowardice.

Yes, it's completely uncool and lacks character.

But it works...and it elegantly eliminates the probability of a
messy conflict over the matter.

Practically speaking, I'd let the woman you're talking about
make the next move in contacting you.

And I wouldn't expect much.

=====






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