[X&Y] What To Do When You Run Into Your Ex...Unexpectedly
Published: Sat, 01/27/24
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Scot, have you done a newsletter that discusses how to behave if
you run into your ex in public? Other than "keep it brief", I'm
not sure what else should happen.
My first question is regarding an ex from last year, who broke up
with me. We were friends for 7 years before we dated, and it was
painful when she cut me out of her life. So when I saw a woman who
I thought was her at a store, my heart started racing, my mouth
went dry, and I got extremely nervous.
But it wasn't my ex, so it didn't matter. Needless to say, I was
alarmed at how I lost control over my emotions and saw such drastic
physical changes in my body. How does a guy deal with this?
On the other hand, if I were to run into the girl I broke up with a
few months ago, SHE would be the one who would likely panic because
I know for a fact that she's clearly still infatuated with me.
What would I do if I ran into her? I do NOT want to talk to her,
but I don't want to be mean either.
Thanks,
Sean (Duluth, MN)
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Hey Sean...thanks for writing.
I'm thinking I've never covered this issue before, but it's high
time I did.
And really...there are indeed TWO somewhat separate (but related)
items to address. There's the chance encounter with someone YOU
still have feelings for; and on the flip side, a scenario where you
suddenly find yourself face-to-face with someone who still has
unrequited feelings toward you.
How about if we cover the former situation first?
For starters, let's get serious, here. ANY time we as human beings
are suddenly faced with a "crisis situation" out of the blue, it
messes with our minds AND our bodies. That's only normal.
As you duly noted, you might actually experience a physiological
reaction.
And your thoughts race, quickly trying to collect themselves to
form a workable solution to the imminent issue at hand.
What in the world is going on here?
I mean, in the case of spotting your ex in public somewhere she's
just another HUMAN BEING. And she's one you already know, no less.
This isn't even an "approach anxiety" situation, for Pete's sake.
Or is it?
Oddly, I'd say it's a VERY similar deal indeed.
You're reactions are so keen because you immediately sense
something BIG is at stake.
That old, queasy feeling that the "contest" is on takes over and
you trick yourself into believing you stand to be either "accepted"
or "rejected" here.
Layer onto that the potential social confusion associated with
having to decide whether it's better to break the ice AT ALL or
pretend to ignore her, and things get even more complicated (yet
again similar to an "approach" situation).
Well, relax...take a deep breath.
Here's some great news. You don't HAVE to force the issue here if
you don't want to.
This may be a controversial opinion, but think about it first
before dismissing it: UNLIKE in an "approach" situation, you're
NOT necessarily a wuss if you opt out from going up to her and
starting a conversation.
The two of you are BROKEN UP, and if you've decided you're not
going to communicate with each other anymore then a deal's a deal,
right?
Yep...I said it out loud. There's no rule that says you have to be
proactive in the name of being "nice" here. Why not just save
both of you the awkwardness?
But that brings us to the real problem here.
It's altogether likely that you're feeling such a "rush" of emotion
and tension because deep down you actually WANT to talk to her.
You want to "seize the moment" and feed your intense desire to fill
the perceived emptiness she's created in your life--even if for just
a fleeting moment.
You wonder if by seeing you she'll suddenly feel positive
warm-fuzzies for you again. That would ROCK!
But then again, what if she openly expresses disgust and somehow
embarrasses you in public--maybe even calling security thinking
you're a stalker?
Man, what a tangled web we weave in our lives. Are you starting to
see now why my best advice here is to leave the whole thing well
enough ALONE?
Importantly, the way to chill yourself out in this predicament is
to remind yourself (perhaps for the umpteenth time) that it's time
to MOVE ON. You're after new options that do NOT involve this
woman.
In short, you recognize the "fight or flight" mechanism that's
kicking into gear, and you call it out as a function of misplaced
desire for approval from a woman who's already shown poor taste by
dumping you.
And that's EXACTLY what it is. The truth is that NOTHING is "at
stake" here...I mean, not REALLY.
Now, I'm not saying your nerves will immediately settle...but at
least your BRAIN will know the score. So at the cognitive level
you'll be equipped to reason away any desire you have to fall into
"contest mode".
But hey...notwithstanding that, she might notice you and make the
ill-advised move to talk to you first.
In that case, she'll most likely be friendly and cordial...if neuter.
Believe me, if she's anything close to a normal, well-adjusted
human being she will NOT go out of her way to go bananas yelling at
you and/or insulting you...especially if other (presumably also
normal, well-adjusted) human beings are around.
That only makes sense, right?
So then, what should your plan be? Simple: Be courteous and
neuter in return. Keep it brief as you already suggested, Sean.
Make your compulsory ten to twenty seconds of small talk and then
MOVE on.
Or more accurately stated, CONTINUE to move on.
And what about the SECOND type of scenario? You know, when a woman
shows up who YOU broke up with, and who may still have feelings for
you?
Well, when and if that happens you simply "reverse-engineer" what I
shared in the first scenario...only the shoe is on the other foot,
naturally.
That's right, remain cordial, and purposefully "neuter" so as to
minimize any chance of sending WRONG signals to her that she has
any glimmer of hope with you. Be sure to mix in some "nice" just
for good measure.
In other words, consciously do that which triggers the "JBF"
response in women...on purpose. How's that for an elegant and
concise answer outta me, for once?
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. 2024 is here, and Spring is coming.
Are you ready to cut through the confusion and frustration
and finally get the women into your life you deserve?
Right now I have two open spots in my popular Ten-Plus coaching
program. Drop me a note...
scot@deservewhatyouwant.com
...or talk to me in person on the phone:
https://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/calltoaction/
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